Friday, December 29, 2006

Resolution

I stayed home sick yesterday and played with my toy new all day. I finally got all of my info moved over and all the apps I need - including something to replace DVD95Copy. It has to be the best DVD "backup" software I've ever used, and it's worth every penny. Yes, I even paid for it. I only wish they had a mac version. MacTheRipper and Toast work fine, but it's just not as nice.

I've said it before and I'll say it again - I'm never going back to Windows, which I think says something considering I've been supporting Windows for over 6 years. I'm simply telling everyone to get a mac now. My computer is fun again.

Since this will be the last post of 2006, I feel obliged to go on and on about all the things I've learned and not learned, done and not done this year. Suffice to say 2006 has been a pivotal year in my life. I've learned a lot about myself, been able to forgive myself and move on from the past and generally take back control of my life. I love my new home, Q and I survived the renovations and our relationship has become stronger through all our hard work at putting up with that, and with the new direction in our lives.

I have a lot of projects waiting in the wings for 2007. So many that I'm not sure how I can do them all. I want to have a couple of art shows, have a ton of new ideas for new artwork, Q and I want to start our own brand and see how far we can build it, I still want to take lessons to learn Japanese, travel somewhere, and I'm going to give more thought to leaving the computer business behind and lean towards a career in graphic design, maybe start taking some design courses too.

Things are generally going great. I've never actually looked forward to an upcoming year, other than for the fact that I can finally put another crappy year behind me. This time it's different. I'm excited. Things are going to happen, and I'm going to be the one who makes them happen.

Have a great new year everyone.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I had a headache this big......

I'm sick.

This is a picture of exactly how I'm feeling today.

That's what I get for playing with my nephew who had a constant fountain of snot running out his nose. It was worth it. I don't get to see them as often as I'd like.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

The iMac cometh.


I did it. I switched. I am now the proud owner of a big daddy 24" iMac. My Yuppie status is complete. Everything about this machine is so ridiculously simple and intuitive. I love it. No futzing, no "what the hell do I do now?", it all just works.

Case in point - I don't know if anyone out there has tried to pair their Motorola phone with their PC. It's a nightmare. First of all you have to buy Motorola Phone tools and install it. Then update and restart 20 times. If you're lucky it won't crash when you start it up. If you're trying to connect it with bluetooth, add in another dash of aggravation and increased complexity. Be sure to set aside an hour or more trying to get it to work. With the mac I opened the Bluetooth app, paired Q's Motorola Razr phone, then opened iSync, clicked on the picture of the Razr and hit Synchronize. End of story. Transferring pictures back and forth was a breeze too.

It wasn't without going through hell and back though. Q and I braved the Boxing Day shoppers to go to Best Buy and check out their deals. They had all Apple computers on sale (along with all others), along with a 24 month, no interest option if you use your Best Buy card. You still have to pay the retarded $99 "administration fee" but with the sale price it mostly balanced out. If I tried to finance it anywhere else, I'd pay a lot more. Let's face it, after the $$ spent this year on the house, it's my only option.

After hitting a Best Buy and Future Shop by our house, we headed down to the Apple Store in the Eaton Center to see if they had any Xmas specials on - which was a big, fat no. So we decided to go to the Best Buy around the corner. Let's just say the we were in there for hours. If you wanted a computer you had to line up for the service desk in the computer section. You couldn't just pick one off the shelf and take it to the cash. This meant waiting for over an hour because there was only ONE CASH REGISTER!!!!! Not to mention that everyone (including me) wanted to put it on their card which meant calling the credit department and verifying or upping the limit which meant the associate was waiting for 10-20 min (or more) on the phone. It was hell.

Eventually after children in the store had grown up, got married, had children of their own and died off, we got to front of the line. The sales person (who turned out to be a manager) brought me over an iMac that was in an open box. Normally I'm not keen on that, but considering he was taking $200 off the price, I went for it.

Of course I brought it home and it didn't work. The backlight didn't come on. So I called him and he was more than happy to replace it for me, even though they don't do exchanges until the new year. In fact it was 10 minutes before closing, but he said if I came within the next 30 min, he'd let me in and give me another one. It was another open box, he plugged it in with me there and all was well. That's what I call customer service.

Oh, and I almost forgot to mention, just to further my Yuppie Guppy Tuppy Dink status, I also got an espresso machine for Xmas. I'm never giving up coffee again. This thing not only does espresso, but also instant hot water (for my americano's) and has a steamer for frothing milk for the cappuccino's that I'm apparently going to be making for Q. I'm never going to sleep again.

Friday, December 22, 2006

Merry Freakin Christmas

It's that time of year again. As usual I can't believe it's here so soon. The lack of snow and cold weather doesn't help much either.

I wrote down paragraphs of dribble, but deleted them. Suffice to say that for the first time ever I'm not stressed about Christmas this year. I'm happy and even excited about it. It's been a tough year but I'm finally starting to see the fruits of my efforts.

Thanks to everyone for their kind wishes and cards. Hope you all have a great holiday, whatever it may be.

*Christmas Hugs*

Thursday, December 21, 2006

I'm a Yuppie

It's true. I read it in Details magazine yesterday. They had a whole section on the "new" Yuppie, and it was actually quite an interesting read. According to Details, my newly renovated house, iPod, flat screen TV, sushi lunches, preference of organic foods, love of martinis and addiction to Starbucks all confirmed that I was one of them. One thing they did omit however, was the fact the majority of people who fit into their Yuppie demographic are gay men, but it's an American magazine so I expected as much.

So I'm a Yuppie. I admit it. Now pass me the Belvedere and olives, I'm thirsty.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

Could've used a little sugar coating

Saturday night was spent running around the house trying to get ready for Vanessa's party. We had to make a fruit tray and a veggie tray to bring, and as usual we were running behind schedule. Consequently I was in work mode and my brain began dissecting our tasks into smaller ones so I could make sense of what we needed to do before getting out of the house. It's a method I learned from all my years of programming - take what you want to do and break it down into multiple tasks. Break those tasks down and repeat until you're down to the basics, then work your way back up completing all those small tasks and next thing you know, you're done. Or something like that.

Anyways, the day before, Q had purchased something from A&F which I hadn't seen yet and had completely forgotten about. So Saturday night I was in "the mode" and furiously ironing a shirt to wear. Q comes down the stairs all excited and says "what do you think of my shirt?" Then I, not realizing it's his new one, spewed forth:

It's all wrinkled and looks like it's been rolled up into a ball and shoved under the bed for a month.
It's misshapen.
The sleeves are too long.
And the horizontal strip running across your stomach is in a very unfortunate spot.

And I went back to ironing. 10 seconds later it hit me. That wasn't an old shirt from the back of the closet (which it looks like, it's that paid - for - frayed type of shirt), but his new one he was so proud of that he wouldn't let me see until it was time to debut. The look on his face confirmed. I felt really bad and apologized. And I still feel bad. Unfortunately he just caught me in one of those moments where I'm too busy to think before opening my mouth. Instead of thinking it through first, it all came out just as it appeared in my head. In a better moment I still would have told him what I thought, but would have been way more gentle in the approach.

Moral of the story - don't ask me unless you really want to know. I don't tell people what they want to hear. If you're asking, then it's my belief that you're actually interested in my opinion and I'll give it to you.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

My Biological Clock Is Ticking

As I've written before, I have weird dreams. Last night was just plain disturbing. David Cronenberg disturbing.

I dreamt that I had two infants growing out of my chest - but they were only from the waist up. Not only that but I was PREGNANT. So I was walking around with two infants fused to my chest like breasts and another in my belly that kept kicking out. If I remember correctly I ended up having a C-section to deliver the baby and after that the other ones were gone too.

I'm fucking scared.

'Tis the season to shuffle

The Ipod Shuffle is popular this year. I just received one as a gift from a client. Add that to the Shuffle I received last week, the original Shuffle I bought last year, and my 3G iPod and that makes 4 iPods in my possession. I can't even re-gift the new Shuffles because they're engraved.

I hope Q wants one.

I've decided that it's all a sign that I should by a Mac. Sounds like great justification to me.

Monday, December 18, 2006

Welcome to the Dark Side

I've given it a lot of thought and next year I'm taking the plunge. I'm buying a Mac.

I'm tired of the virus/spyware bullshit. I deal with it all day and when I come home I just want a computer that works.

I'll keep my current PC and I might throw windows on the Mac for those rare times when I absolutely must use Outlook, but other than that forget it.

Not to mention that the 24" iMac is gorgeous.

I just hope that I don't turn into some trendy, smug, hipster who desperately needs a haircut like on the commercials.

Friday, December 15, 2006

Problem? *hic* What problem? *hic*

'Tis the season to be drinking. This is what my week consists/consisted of:

Monday - Q and I opened a bottle of red wine and enjoyed it under the glow of the Christmas tree lights.

Tuesday - We enjoyed that so much that we did it again.

Wednesday - 1 beer with dinner.

Thursday - Client Christmas party at Caju (fantastic Brazilian bar on Queen West). Open bar. Lots of drinks that involved vodka or Brazilian rum and limes. Also had wine with dinner. I was only planning on having one glass, but every time I turned around it was full again. Couldn't let it go to waste. Continued with the vodka after dinner.

Friday - Company Christmas lunch party. The past two years have ended with hours spent drinking martinis at the Four Seasons bar and me seeing double, triple, quadruple or a combination thereof.

Saturday - Vanessa's Christmas party. I've been told I'm on martini duty. One for me, one for you.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

I won.

I just have to pay $100 for a part and the rest of the clutch replacement parts and labour will be covered under warranty - due to the fact that certain parts of the clutch are covered for 5 years. Funny how that never came up until now, isn't it?

Don't be afraid to stand your ground. If you feel you are being treated unfairly, you most likely are. Once they know you mean business, most companies will back down.

The fight continues

Yesterday I took my clutch to a transmission specialist and a mechanic who both agreed there was something questionable about the way the clutch wore out. In fact they both pointed to the same thing. Called the dealership and explained to them what I had found and that I have a specialist who is willing to come to court as an expert witness to testify to that fact. At that point they asked for the clutch back so they could take it down in person to Hyundai's head office for them to look at. A little fear is good. So I returned the clutch back to them last night.

I spoke with them again this morning, explaining that it's not a money issue, but a principle one and that I wouldn't stop until my point was made - no matter what the cost. We'll see what they come back with.

These are no idle threats. I am documenting everything and am fully prepared to take them to small claims court.

I don't like being screwed over.

Incidentally, I searched on the internet and found other people with the same complaints. There's also a class action lawsuit against them in the states from owners of Tiburon's who feel that their clutches wore out early. Apparently I'm not the only one who feels this way.

I'll update as I hear more.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

It's all my fault (as per usual)

It's my fault, you see
Apparently I can't drive;
Hyundai is perfect.

It's official. The clutch is worn out. One can normally expect around 100,000km before that happens, but of course that's not the case with my car. The service person at my dealership (who is quite sympathetic to my troubles) suggested that Hyundai Canada will not cover this premature deterioration under warranty, instead considering it normal wear and tear, and that I should try contacting customer service personally.

I took his advice, only I went one step further - I called Car Help Canada. For anyone who's not familiar with them, they are a service that's set up solely to protect consumers. They'll help you research any new or used car, and give you advice when you run into any sort of car related problems. They'll even give you a legal consultation if you end up going to court. The $50 membership fee is the best money I've ever spent.

I was told my rights, given direction in how to deal with this, and given contacts. I'm not feeling quite so spazzy about it anymore. They told me that if they don't find anything wrong with it, to ask for the clutch and take it to a transmission specialist (who's contact they provided). I had no idea I could do that!! This specialist will also go to court and testify if need be.

I was also told that they dealt with this same issue (different car) twice last week. At least I know I'm not alone.

Yet another fight. It's becoming a constant battle these days trying to get what you paid for.

I hate all this Adult crap.

Christmas music plays,
Drinking red wine in the glow;
Savour the moment.

I'm getting old - or is it called maturity?? Last night Q and I managed to find the time to at least put the lights on the Christmas tree. Then I fired up the laptop and played selections from the Ultra Lounge: Christmas Cocktails CD's (they really are a must-have if you're in the mood for Christmas music). We then turned off all the lights, opened a bottle of wine, and sat in the living room, relaxing, chatting in the multi-coloured glow and generally savouring the moment. This is the first Christmas in many, many, many years that I'm actually enjoying. Usually I'm stressed and not looking forward to all the family crap. This year I've taken control and put myself first and it's done wonders.

Lemon on wheels,
Does not like to go in gear;
Will be blamed on me.

This evening of relaxation was in stark contrast to the day a few hours earlier. I had to drive up to Newmarket to take my car in to the dealership because the clutch has been slipping lately. They're also finally replacing the parking brake cable. My car is less than two years old and this is what's been done so far:

Replaced faulty windshield washer hose
Replaced faulty mirror switch
Replaced tires after 36000km
Replaced parking brake cable + rear brakes + resurfaced rotors
And now the clutch - which I'm sure that they'll try to blame me for.

I'm beginning to think that I should paint it yellow and put a big SUNKIST sticker on the side.

At least the gave me a loaner for the meantime. I wanted a Tiburon, but was handed the keys to a 2007 Elantra instead. I now want to call Hyundai's designers and ask them just what the hell were they thinking? They took a decently designed (and in the case of the hatchback - sporty) car and turned it into Y.A.B.C. (Yet Another Bubble Car). I swear, this thing is now just a glorified Toyota Echo. It feels like it, it looks like it, it drives like it and it rides like it. Not to mention that they've completely eliminated any hope of legroom in the back. Echh. And it's an automatic. Echh Echh. There's also something else about the way it drives that makes me slightly nauseous. I can't explain what it is exactly, but it leaves me feeling a little car sick. If the Elantra's were like this when I was buying, I would never have bought one - let alone taken it for a test drive.

In any case, I turned my misfortune to my advantage and zipped over to the Upper Canada Mall to get some Christmas shopping done. Without having Q with me, I could actually browse and take my time finding what I wanted. I didn't find much at the mall, but did stock up on a lot of crap at all the big box stores up the street. I can't believe my Christmas shopping is almost done.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Was It Posted on Monster?

Same sex couples love
Canada lets me marry;
Harper didn't win.

The door has finally been closed on the same-sex marriage issue in Canada. I could go on and on about it - and I planned to, but much like the government debate, the issue is over. Needless to say we can now move onto topics like India's men having penis' that are too small to fit into the current internationally defined size. Someone actually measured the length and width, and photographed over 1400 hard curry cocks to research the issue. Which left me wondering - how did they found the test subjects in the first place? And can I get a job like that in Toronto? Only where I get to choose the men myself? Maybe someone needs to verify that we still fit into the standards, and that someone should be me.

Curry cock too small
Condoms fit like garbage bags;
Take my picture please.

Surpisingly Not Hung-Over Haiku

Christmas party drinks,
under vodka waterfall;
Coffee is my friend.

Don't ask because I don't know what the recent Haiku fascination is all about either.

Thursday, December 07, 2006

March of the Penguins

Tuesday was Q's official 40th birthday. We woke up to find our front lawn covered with 40 penguins, balloons and a big red Happy 40th Birthday sign. Q's father, brother and brother-in-law came down to our house at 4 in the morning to set it up.

Of course I go out there to take pictures, and also to take out the garbage and recycling and everyone who walked by was wishing me a happy birthday.

DO I LOOK 40???????
(no offense)




Morning Haiku

This morning as I looked around the disaster that is my kitchen, I was moved to write a Haiku.

Greasy wok, so sad;
Surrounded by friends of filth
No maid is coming.

Last night I joined Dickey, Peter, Jason and the smokin' red hot Madamerouge for some drinks. Peter was kind enough give me a sample of his facial fuel, along with a fabulous Xmas card from Ed and Norbert. He must have known that you can always buy friends with Kiehl's.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

My Spidey Sense is Tingling

Yesterday I was at a client's and stepped out to use the washroom down the hall. When I was done I stood up, turned around and as I reached out to flush the toilet I saw a green spider about the size of a nickle crawling around on the seat. Actually it was kind of running around in circles because I think I crushed a leg or two.

I'm glad I'm not terrified of spiders.

As I was walking out, wondering whether the damn thing had bit me or not, I started to feel a stinging on ass. Hoping it was all just a figment of my imagination I ignored it and continued on my work. About 15 min later it was clear that it wasn't in my head. The goddamn thing had bit me. On my ass.

So I spent the next few hours wondering if my leg would swell up, turn purple and fall off, or if I'd come down with some incurable disease due to the toxins in my system, or if I'd have to call Q and say I Love You one last time, before I perished from the unbelievably small amount of venom injected into my unbelievably not small ass. Secretly though, I hoped that I'd get some sort of super powers - though I'm not sure what kind of power one gets from a bathroom spider, or if I'd even want it.

In the end the bump went away and I was left relatively unscathed. I'm just going to make sure to look down first from this point on.

Ex-Gay

Peter's recent foray into the lives of ex-gays sounds very interesting. I can't wait to read about it.

I'm sorry to say though, this topic has already been covered before:

Church Group Offers Homosexual New Life In Closet

UPDATE: FYI - it's funny (at least I thought so)

Monday, December 04, 2006

I'm a really good BF

Q's birthday was a success. The room we had was extremely extravagant. The living room, dining room and bedroom (including king sized bed) were all bigger than those in our house. Having 3 bathrooms helped too, as one sink was filled with ice and used as the beer cooler. We were on the north-east corner of the top floor, which gave us a fantastic view of the city and water at night. We also had a fantastic dinner with his best friend and her husband at L'Auberge de Pommier. Possibly some of the finest cuisine I've had in Toronto. Who knew that smoked salmon and honey went so well together?

My plan was for us to go to the hotel in the afternoon, spend some "quality time" together, head out for dinner and come back for the party - all of which was supposed to be a surprise. I'd also arranged for all the glasses and such to be delivered to the room after 6:00 so he wouldn't see any of it. Unfortunately they brought the glasses up at 5:00 and instead of knocking, the bellman just waltzed on in. I had just finished getting dressed when I turned to see a small, old, Filipino man standing in the the living room doorway with glassware. I immediately ran and shoved him into the dining room, reiterating how this wasn't supposed to arrive until after 6! Thankfully Q stayed out of it, and didn't ask any questions. I thought these guys were supposed to knock! If he'd arrived 10 minutes or more earlier, we'd have been right in the middle of things, at which point I'd have been laughing my ass off and Q would have been mortified. Would have served him right.

The party ended up being a lot of fun. I was worried that there weren't going to be enough people there, but it ended up being just the right amount. However, the night wasn't without incident. I'd invited Q's ex, Scott, and their mutual friend Paul. Q and Scott may be exes, but they still have an amicable relationship and keep in touch (unlike how I make sure mine drop off the face of the earth). They acted strange all night. Paul was acting like a kid who was upset that all the attention wasn't on him, and Scott would join in from time to time, when he wasn't getting all touchy feeling with Dickey and making everyone slightly uncomfortable.

The thing that really pissed me off though, was that I had spent a few hours on Friday night creating a playlist of music on my ipod for the party. I put on stuff I liked, some generic stuff, some songs that would make people go WTF?, and most importantly, I included a lot of songs that Q liked. Those two walked in and immediately went over and began fucking with the ipod - skipping songs and searching for ones they found suitable. Not only that, but made numerous comments on me having an old ipod (it sits in my glove box 99% of the time, why should I care if it has a color display?) and repeatedly made comments about how the music sucked, or would roll their eyes as they reached over to skip yet another track. In fact, when Scott left he said something to the effect of "Thanks for the party. I'm going home now. I can't wait to get away from the music."

I'm sorry I left my copy of Circuit Party XXXIII at home.

You know, I'd do stuff like that when I was a teenager. It's not the type of behaviour I'd expect from a 30 and 40 something year old. I found it to be very disrespectful, offensive, immature and rude. To me, music is a very personal thing. If you don't like what I'm listening to, then I can respect that, but I do have an issue when it becomes derogatory. When I've gone to a party, I wouldn't dream of walking over to the stereo and changing tunes. For me, party music is more background noise than anything else. What's important is the people and the conversation, which leaves me wondering exactly why they'd focus on that? Not to mention they started throwing shit at Q while he was on the phone, like sugar packets, then coffee packets, then chocolates and nuts, then creamers, and then Scott picked up a lime and whipped it hard and it smacked into the window. It's like they took everything too far.

I've talked it over with Q and some other people they all noticed the strange behaviour. We all agree that it boils down to immaturity and jealousy. Q is very happy in his life right now - and it's not with either of them (Paul had a thing for Q for years) - and it appears that they don't like it.

I'm disappointed because I liked them both, and I especially considered Paul a friend. Q suggested that I talk it over with Paul, but the truth is I don't think it's necessary. To talk it over would mean I want to continue some sort of friendship, and frankly I don't want to be friends with anyone who acts that way, or makes me feel the way he did. He just went from friend to acquaintance and is staying there.

It's at the point where I don't feel comfortable inviting either of them to the house whenever we get around to having the housewarming. I'd hear comments about the music again, and then probably something like "Oh you have a plasma TV? Well I have an LCD and they're much better." At which point I'd snap and tell them that if they don't like it than get the fuck out. I don't have time for that kind of bullshit. It's not a big loss though, they've distanced themselves from Q in the past year. Scott's only seen the house once, briefly, and Paul has never come by, despite numerous invitations. They've known each other for well over 10 years, and I can't believe that two grown men would act like 3 year olds instead of being happy for their friend.

I don't want to make it sound like it ruined my night, because it didn't. It ended up mostly working out the way I wanted and I had fun at the party regardless (vodka helped that a lot) and I think everyone else did too, despite the music. It wasn't until the next day as I thought about what had transpired that I got pissed. They just won't be invited next time, and if I ever get asked why, I'll tell them - or Q will.

Waking Nightmare

This morning I woke up, showered, dressed, grabbed some cereal, sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. Twisted Sister were live on Breakfast Television singing songs from their new Christmas Album - it wasn't pretty.

It's one thing to glam up in makeup when you're young and it's the 80's. It's a completely different story when you try to do that again in 2006. You see the thing is, when you're in your 40's or 50's and you put on a wig and makeup, you don't look cool. You look like a transsexual. And an unsuccessful one at that.

As I watched in horror, I couldn't help but think that the lead singer reminded me of Mr. Drummond from Different Strokes - in drag.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Fantastical


Last year I had the pleasure viewing the work of Ray Caesar and meeting him in person. His work is like nothing I've seen before, being created first in 3D modeling software and then painstakingly digitally painted. It's a curious mix of classical style interjected into a brilliant, contemporary mind. His work is a perfect example of what I aspire to, but would never want to copy.


These pictures don't do any justice. Please check out his gallery.

Thursday, November 30, 2006

Vag The Beaver


Silly Germans! Don't they know that giving the name Vag to a beaver is akin to having a cat named Pussy? I think this has to do with water valves or something.

I'm a good boyfriend

Q's 40th birthday is coming up next week. So to celebrate the occasion I've rented us the "Chairman Suite" on the top floor of the Westin Harbour Castle for Saturday night. This room has a separate living room (with flat screen TV), dining room and bedroom - with a bathroom in each! Since I know a few people in the hotel industry, I was also able to get the hotel to send up complimentary wine and cheese. I also got a $1000+ room for $350. I love my job sometimes, I get to meet so many different people from different industries.

We're going out to Auberge du Pommier for dinner, where I also have a contact who's going to hook us up with something, just don't know yet. While we're out for dinner, the hotel's going to send up a bar fridge with glasses and some friends are going to set up the room for a small party. I'm hoping it will all be a surprise. I haven't told him a thing and he claims to never read my blog.

He's such a difficult person to buy for (I keep getting calls from his family asking what they should get him - I tell them I have no idea). He'll never tell you what he wants because he wants it to be a surprise. Me, I make sure everybody knows - I forgo the subtle hints. So since I couldn't think of what to get him, I thought a night out being spoiled would do just fine. Just have to find the perfect birthday card somewhere....

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

I should have been on FAME

Last night I had a dream that I was in a dance class. Me and 2 other people had to come up with an interpretive dance for a sappy, American Idol-esque song about the death of David Caruso. I woke up before the class was over, but I'm pretty sure mine was the best.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Do they sell a Hello Kitty Brand?

I know that it's illegal to sell cigarettes to minors, but is it illegal to buy them from the 12 year old girl working behind the counter at the convenience store? I wanted to ask the owner, but there weren't any adults around.

I guess if you can sell alcohol at the age of 18, but can't drink until 19, anything's possible.

Thursday, November 23, 2006

Happy FNT!!

Ever wonder what Survivor host Jeff Probst looked like naked? Come on, admit it. It has crossed your mind once or twice. Well wonder no more!! If I was stuck on a desert island with that man, I could survive for weeks on that slab of meat.

There's also a Survivor contestant who's done a little porn too.

Needless to say - NSFW.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Question

Why is "The War At Home' still on TV?? It's awful. It surpasses "Everybody Loves Raymond" in it's stupidity.

Ugh.

Rush hour

Q and I have a simple morning routine - the alarm goes off at some ungodly hour in the morning and he gets up. Before he leaves, he re-sets the alarm for 6:45. At 6:45 the radio starts blaring, I open my eyes for a brief second and fall back asleep. Sometimes it's for a few minutes and sometimes it's for 45min to and hour, which isn't good (with the radio still blaring a few feet from my head this whole entire time).

This morning was different. I woke up and it was quiet - too quiet. There was no radio. I turned towards the clock to face the inevitable - 9:00am. Jump out of bed, jump into shower, throw on clothes, throw food at cats, grab powerbar, run out door - 9:20. A new record! It usually takes me close to an hour to get my ass out the door.

Now normally I'd be pissed that he forgot to set the alarm, but I wasn't. It was beautiful and sunny outside for the first time in weeks and best of all, I had an amazing sleep. I feel great. It was just what I needed.

Though I think I'll dig out the other alarm clock anyways - just in case.

Monday, November 20, 2006

Urges

Today as I was standing in line at Starbucks waiting to order my tall, lactose free, no whip, (insert 20 adjectives here), hot chocolate, I had a sudden urge to turn and lick the cheek of the woman standing beside me. And not just a little lick, but a full-on, bull dog sized, big, sloppy sluuuurrrp up the side of the face. Just to see her reaction.

I didn't. I don't know what the hell came over me.

Friday, November 17, 2006

Therapy

Last night I started working on another photo to add to the others that I've been working on. After more than an hour I undid all the changes I'd made and was right back to square one. I'm beginning to think that the image is disturbing enough, and doesn't need any more help.

Click for larger image.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Unbelievably Helpful

I spend most of my days fighting with servers, computers, every single Microsoft Product out there and Bell. I also like to throw in a dash of Stupid User every once in a while too. Yesterday I was combing through the error logs of a server, trying to find out why Exchange (which runs the email) refused to start right away whenever the server was rebooted. This is what I found:

--------------------

Event Type: Error
Event Source: Service Control Manager
Event Category: None
Event ID: 7001
Date: 11/10/2006
Time: 4:12:24 PM
User: N/A
Computer: ******
Description:
The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the Microsoft Exchange System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following error:

The operation completed successfully.
-----------------------

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I have to deal with.

Blargh.

My brain's still fried. I haven't been able to concentrate on much, including blogging and reading blogs. It's been suggested to me that since I've released all the anger and resentment towards my parents that I may sub-consciously be looking for something else to be angry about to fill that void. Being angry is my safe place, and what I'm used to. Isn't that fucked? I'm not saying it's not true, and think it's quite possibly valid, but still.

Even with all of our "logic", humans are still complicated and messy.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Pass the Popcorn

Today I voted for Toronto's mayor and other municipal positions. I have to confess - I had no idea who any of the local councilors were (and didn't really care). On my way to the voting office I saw a sign that said Re-Elect Somebody SomethingOrOther for Ward 32. Sounded good to me. She got in once, can't be all that bad., so I selected her. When I got to the next box to vote for the school trustee, I chose the nicest sounding name. What the hell else was I supposed to do?

Then it was time for the most important vote - Mayor. There are a number of people running in Toronto, but only 3 are in the top contenders:

1. David Miller, our current mayor. He stopped the bridge to the island airport, which I supported, but he's putting a streetcar right-of-way on St. Clair, which I don't support. I work up there and trust me, the construction's a nightmare. He also had CCTV cameras installed downtown which proved successful with the Caribana festival. No one was shot for the first time ever. At least he gets things done.

2. Jane Pitfield, miss pointy pointy fingers. She seems kind of fake, and bitchy. Her campaign promises aren't anything special and she points all the time with her bony, witchy finger which I find bothersome.

3. Stephen LeDrew, aka Orville Redenbacher. A big part of politics is style and presentation. Wearing oversized, clear, plastic framed glasses (although recently he's switched to Sally Jesse Rafael Red), a nerdy bow tie, and having eyebrows longer than an 80 year old man's pubes just doesn't cut it. Would you want to see that face repeatedly on TV any more than we've been subject to? Please somebody attack his face with a pair of clippers.

So I voted Miller back in. I've seen the city change since he's been in and I'll give him another chance to make more things happen.

Do everyone a favour - get out there and vote. We're privileged enough to be afforded the opportunity and there's no reason why someone can't take a few minutes out of their day to exercise the right they've been given. Even your employer must give you a maximum of 3 hours to do it, so there's no excuse. DO IT!

Friday, November 10, 2006

You keep on pushing my love.....over the Borderline

At the advice of Ed, I looked up the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder online. Here it is and how it applies to Psycho:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

  1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5...........check

  2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation...........check

  3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self..........check

  4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5...........check

  5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior........surprisingly no, unless you consider emotional suicide.

  6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)..........check

  7. chronic feelings of emptiness..........check

  8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)..........check

  9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms..........check

So there you have it - 8 out of a possible 9 symptoms. I was, by definition, dating a wacko. I'd love to anonymously send this list to him, but it wouldn't be any fun if I couldn't see the reaction.

Catch up.

Last night I finally got to see Ed-blrblrblrble for the first time in about 2 years.

Ed and I met the summer that I left Psycho. In fact Ed was unwittingly responsible for my leaving the retarded bastard. But it's not what you think.

Ed was living in Toronto for the summer because of his job. Psycho and I met him during the last part of his stay and we all became friends (not to mention I was extremely attracted to him). Psycho was also drinking a lot during this time, and so was I - but not out of control. We were just regularly frequenting the bars and enjoying the summer. So one Sunday I went out of town to see my folks, and by midday the feelings of dread were setting in. By this point I had an uncanny ability to predict when Psycho was going to go off his rocker well before it would happen - kind of like when you have an old injury and it begins to hurt every time it's going to rain. When I got home that evening the house was empty. I knew right then and there that he was out drinking, would come home completely trashed, and all hell would break loose.

A few hours later the door opens with Ed trying to hold up Psycho as they walked through the door. Psycho was upset. He saw someone at the bar who did or said something or other to hurt his feelings. He started crying and explaining it to me and since it was something ridiculously stupid and he was drunk (which is putting it lightly) I had absolutely no sympathy for him. When he realized that I didn't really give a fuck if someone told him he had bad hair (or whatever it was) the switch went off. The moping turned to rage and he exploded - just as I knew he would. It got scary. The coffee table went flying. I left the house.

What made things different this time around is that Ed was there. Up until this point, no one had ever witnessed the hell that I was repeatedly put through. But Ed saw it. He saw it all. Then a very strange thing happened - so did I. For a brief moment I was able to take myself out of the picture and see the situation through someone else's eyes - for what it really was. I left the house and sat across the street wondering what the hell I should do. The gravity of the situation crushed me. The perfect life that I had built for myself was all a lie. A complete farce. I was living with a demon. Ed followed me out and we talked for a bit and he decided to go back inside to try to calm Psycho down. I told him it was fruitless. A few minutes later he came back out - you can't reason with a madman.

So here I was sitting outside of my house, knowing that I could never go back there but had no where else to go. Out of desperation I turned to Ed, a man that I'd only known for a few weeks, and asked if I could stay with him for the night. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd said no. I think must people would have gotten themselves as far away from the situation as quickly as possible, and rightly so. But Ed said yes and I stayed the night at his place.

The next day I came home after work and Psycho was hung over and as usual had completely blacked out and had no recollection of what had transpired. As usual I filled him in, he apologized and thought all was well. The next day I went to work, went to the gym, made up my mind, came home, packed my bags and left - much to Psycho's surprise. My friend Jennie had offered me a place to stay a few weeks prior and I decided to take her up on the offer.

In a strange twist of events, Ed called me to see how I was doing as I was walking to my car with suitcase in hand. I told him that I'd just left Psycho. Ed was out eating and drinking with some people and insisted that I join them. I did and I smiled. I smiled the whole drive over there. I smiled the entire time we sat there eating, drinking and chatting. I smiled because I was free.

I didn't end up going to Jennie's that night. I went and stayed with Ed. He was only in town for another week and we spent those last few days together. It was intense experience emotionally, physically and sexually for the both of us. He held me when the implications of what I'd just done, and what I'd put up with for so long came crashing down on me. My world had completely fallen apart (which in itself wasn't a bad thing in retrospect) and this man, who I barely knew, helped me through it all. We stayed close for quite a while after that, even meeting up a couple of times over the years, but eventually began to drift.

It had been almost 2 years since we'd last seen each other and had a real heart to heart talk. I was nervous last night. I've changed and grown up so much since then that I wasn't sure if we'd connect anymore. I'm not the same person he knew. Thankfully that wasn't the case. You know you've got a strong bond with someone when years can go by, but when you see them, it's like it was only yesterday. We had a great night.

When people ask Ed how he knows me, he sometimes tells them that he was sent down one night to be my guardian angel. It sounds corny, but I believe it's true. Without him I wouldn't have seen my situation through his eyes. I wouldn't have had the support I needed to see me through. I may have waited until something really horrible happened before leaving Psycho. I don't believe it was merely a coincidence.

Some things just happen for a reason.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Feeling better

Had an appointment with my therapist yesterday, who was impressed at my courage and honesty. Frankly, so am I.

One thing that's become painfully clear to me now is this - I was a good kid, never got into any trouble, did well in school and had a good group of friends. My parents figured that I had a good head on my shoulders, was a good judge of character and it never occured to them that I could get into any trouble or would run into any problems in life, or to even ask. Sad.

I guess they thought I was super human or something.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Uncomfortable

My parents now know intimate details of my life. I've kept my life so hidden from them for so long that it feels very, very uncomfortable. I don't like it. It had to be done, and I do feel better on some levels but I still don't like it.

I feel like there's some sort of void right now. There are walls missing and I'm not used to all the free space yet.

Ick.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Thank god that's over

Well that's over with. It went better than expected. I sat down and told them everything that I said I would. The reaction wasn't all over dramatic like I'd expected (and rehearsed in my mind). I basically sat and told them to listen to what I had to say and then we could talk. and they did.

My parents were under the illusion that my life was perfect, that everything it it was peachy keen and that nothing bad ever happened to me. It didn't even occur to them that anything like that could happen. Talk about a reality check.

In all it ended on a good note. I feel better but I also feel very strange. I've kept myself so guarded from them for so long that it feels foreign to have let them into my life. I also don't know what to do from here. Until this point I always had a plan. My secret weapon was "if they only knew what my life was really like." And now they know. I followed through and don't know what to do from this point on. One day at a time I guess.

I'm tired and going to bed. Hopefully this will be much clearer in the morning.

Thanks for all the support.

Warning - Long family rant

So the parental problems continue. They were supposed to call me on Thursday to let me know if they were coming up or not. Of course I didn't hear anything that night or Friday night, because I have nothing else better to do with my time than wait around for them. Friday night I went out with some coworkers for a few drinks at Devil's Martini. I had quite a few and got in late. So Saturday morning I peeled myself out of bed, slightly hung over with a headache, hadn't had my breakfast, coffee or cigarette yet and I found this message on my answering machine (picture it in a pathetic, self-loathing tone):

Hi this is your mother, I'm not sure if I want to own up to that but I guess it's the truth. I guess your father and I are going to come up tomorrow. Call me back whenever it's convenient for you.

WTF?? She doesn't want to own up to being my mother???? What an awful, hurtful thing to say!! This was completely out of the blue. As far as I was concerned we had worked through our last differences, came to an understanding and things were getting back on track. Now this - completely unprovoked.

So I called her back and asked her just exactly what did she mean by her message. Her response was that she was joking - she clearly wasn't. Then she said she was just in a bad mood and to forget about it. I said no. Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean that you can call me up and dump on me and try to make me feel like shit (Psycho used to do that to me all the time and I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again, so this was a real sore spot for me). To which she replied "Well someone's in a bitchy mood this morning"

WRONG. THING. TO. SAY.

I lost it. I saw red. I started shaking. I told her that she's been a miserable bitch lately and I was sick and tired of it. I called her selfish and childish, which she is. I said a lot of things. I said everything. I don't even remember all the things I said.

At some point my poor father walked into the house, completely unaware as to what was going on, only to find my mother yelling on the phone. She pulled her usual trick of running away in the middle of an argument except this time she just handed the phone over to him. Poor guy got an earful from me before I even knew he was on the phone.

Once he was able to calm me down, I explained to him just what had transpired this morning and how unbelievably hurt and upset I was by it. He understood. For the first time in my life he actually listened to what I was telling him. He didn't defend her at all. He actually said some very nice things that I've wanted to hear from them for quite a long time. I feel like I actually got through to him - for the first time ever. He said that they were still coming up, but I told him not to bother. I didn't want to see her if she's going to treat me like that.

After that I called my sister, who was also upset by what had gone on. Q and I went down to visit her and the kids and we were able to talk it out and make me feel somewhat better. Of course she didn't take it to well and went down last night to talk to them. As usual my mother couldn't look past herself to see that she'd hurt my feelings. Only that I'd hurt hers and that I owed her an apology. However she owed me nothing. Again, my father didn't defend her and is starting to come around.

Last night I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was how unbelievably selfish and self centered she is. And how I didn't understand how she could go around spewing venomous things at her children and not only be surprised at the reaction, but also feel like she didn't deserve it and she's completely innocent. What has become abundantly clear is that she hates herself and has no self esteem and is lashing out at everyone else. Furthermore she's quite comfortable living in misery and having shit to complain about. What she isn't comfortable with is that we are no longer having any part of it and are fighting back. She's losing control and freaking out and blaming everyone else for her problems.

I decided that I'm going down there tonight in a final effort to get her to come around. They don't know how to communicate so consequently they know nothing about my life. In fact it's safe to say that they don't even know who I am at this point. So I'm going to go down and tell them everything. They think that dealing with problems means not talking about them and hoping they go away. I'm going to show them exactly what that does to a person.

I'm going to start off by telling them I'm gay and how difficult it was for me growing up knowing that. It's not like they don't know, but it's never been openly acknowledged or discussed. So I'm going to throw that out on the table. I'm not going to keep silent anymore. For them to deny that fact is to deny a fundamental part of who I am, and I won't do that anymore. I'm not going to pretend or act like I'm not a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l from this point on, and tell them how denying that fact has impacted my life.

I'm also going to tell them about The Walrus, and how extremely jealous and possessive he was. And how after leaving him I still felt like shit but never talked about it. Instead I turned to partying and doing drugs to try to make me forget and feel better.

I'm going to tell them what they didn't know about Psycho. How he was emotionally and verbally abusive. How he put me down every chance he got and how I was always to blame for his mistakes. Then I'll tell them how it progressed and he started drinking a lot - to the point that he would black out and lose total control. How I not only became the recipient of his spiteful words and actions, but also the recipient of his fists as well. I'll tell them about all the times I had to run out of the house at 3 am fearing for my life while he hurled awful insults and hate at me. I'll tell them I could still hear him yelling at me from 3 blocks away.

Then I'll continue with how I left him and everything I had and how I had to start my life over again, but because we never talk about issues in our family I couldn't turn to them for help. Furthermore since I still didn't deal with things and I felt a lot of guilt and shame for being a victim of abuse, I started toying with drugs again.

Then I'll explain to them how when I met Q, things turned around. He was different than all the rest, respected me and made me feel good about myself. However the events of the past left me with a lot of anger, which caused me to be angry all the time. I used to frequently get upset and storm out of the house for a walk, because I didn't think that Q deserved to bear the brunt of my anger. Given my history I knew how unfair that was. Then there was the time I got sick. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me, yet I was overwhelmed by this unbelievable pain and discomfort in my stomach all the time. I felt like shit and I looked like shit and anything I ate made me feel worse. The only thing that began to help was seeing a naturopath and getting herbal medicines and acupuncture.

Then I'll tell them about going to see a therapist and how it turned my life around. How working through all the shit I had never dealt with before made me feel better not only emotionally, but physically as well. Those months where I was sick was all due to stress and keeping things bottled up for so long. Now that I'm talking through my problems, my life has turned around and I feel so much better about myself. It's given me the courage to stand up for myself and decide what I will and will not put up with.

I just want them to understand that they way they've been dealing with things doesn't work and that getting help isn't such a bad thing. And also that unless my mother has an attitude adjustment, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I wouldn't keep any friends around who acted that way, and just because she's my mother doesn't give her the right to do it either. She has a choice and it's up to her to decide if she really and truly wants a happy family (which we never really had in the first place) which also means taking other people's feelings into consideration, or if she just wants to put herself first as usual and be a miserable old cow for the rest of her life. And in all honesty, being miserable and crying the victim is what she's used to and what she's comfortable with, so I'll see just how badly she wants this.

/RANT

*update* I just called me father to tell him I was coming down after work. There's no turning back now. I need a drink - or ten.

Friday, November 03, 2006

Smoking is bad for you

Lighting up the filter and trying to smoke that is even worse.

Coffee hadn't kicked in yet.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Shut in

Last night I locked the doors, closed the blinds and turned off all the lights. I didn't feel like giving any candy to the greedy ghetto children in my neighbourhood. I realize that there are lots of perfectly nice, candy coated kiddies in the 'hood too, but too bad for them. Call me a grinch. Instead I sat on my computer, organized my music collection and did my expense report. How exciting.

Later I was watching the news and CityTV had their super annoying weather man dressed as the Count from Sesame Street stationed in Church St. Nothing like hearing the weatherman scream out "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12!! 12 Drag Queens!! Bwah ha ha ha ha!" in an awful Transalvanian accent. Or to hear him say "Look at all the people dressed as soldiers in support of our troops!" Clueless.

I had completely forgotten about the Church St Halloween Street Party. I think this is the first year that I haven't gone down. No big loss. I usually get bored pretty damn quickly anyways. It's not like it used to be. I remember going when there were plenty of fabulous costumes to be found wandering the road. Now it's all suburbanites who come down to view and take pictures of the freaks. "Look! I got a picture of a gay!" Fuck off. I'd guess the number of people watching verses the number of people dressed up was somewhere around 10 to 1.

Organizing mp3's was way more interesting.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I'm a dirty, dirty boy

I think I posted this once before but I don't care. I want any of the guys from cleaninghunk.com to come over to my house, clean it, and then dirty me up and clean me from top to bottom. Pun intended.

But they can't talk, dance or wear silly little gladiator outfits - unless said outfit comes off immediately.


Sunday, October 29, 2006

Calendar boy

Once upon a time I went to the Black Eagle for a fundraiser with my friend Chris - since his boyfriend was helping to organize it. They were selling raffle tickets and you could buy an arm or leg's length of them. Of course I went for the leg length. Chris bent down to carefully and thoroughly measure my inseam and someone took a picture. A few weeks later I'm walking past the Eagle and the bouncer (who I knew) grabs me and pulls me in.

"Have you seen October's calendar yet?"

"No. Why?"

Then he handed it to me. I'd unwittingly and officially become October's Calendar Boy.
Please note the Bare Chested Sluts written across my chest.


Thursday, October 26, 2006

It's the little things in life


Yesterday I was at the grocery store and saw that pomegranates were in a big display. Being the un-neat person I am, I usually shy away from such fruit. For me, eating a pomegranate usually results in me getting the juice on everything within a 10 foot radius, not to mention covering my clothes, hands and face. However, the display had instructions on how to eat it properly:

1. Cut off the top.
2. Score the skin (into quarters or what have you)
3. Submerge in a bowl of water and proceed to break apart and pick out the seeds.
4. Separate the seeds and water with a strainer.

What do you know? It worked! When in the water, the seeds sink to the bottom and the skins float to the top, making it very easy to separate the two.

I was actually able to daintily eat my pomegranate without leaving the place looking like I'd committed a mass-murder and then eaten the bloody, raw flesh with my bare hands.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

No Thank You

While I was waiting for my lunch today, I noticed a ballot box on the counter for a contest to give away a Hummer or $12000 cash. I picked it up thinking I could use either right now (or at least the money from the Hummer) and almost filled it in - almost. My intelligent side kicked in (it does that now and again) and I thought it odd that they were giving away these prizes without having to buy anything. So I turned it over to read the fine print:

This contest is being used for the purposes of solicitation for future giveaways and vacation packages and to become a member of the Vacation Club.

Or something like that. I put the paper back down. I then stopped a woman from making the same mistake I almost did. Just goes to show that nothing in life is free.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Home Sweet Home

I was bored so I looked up my hometown of Port Hope in Wikipedia. Here's what I found.

""Ganaraska" was the name attributed to the area by the natives of the region and is the name of the river that flows through the town. The name originates from "Ganaraske", the name for the Iroquois village which was located at the current townsite."

The Ganaraska Hotel is the name of a bar/"hotel" downtown that features Recycled Beer on it's menu.

"Port Hope is celebrated as having the best preserved 19th century streetscape in Ontario."

That's because the economy was so dead for so long.

"Downtown Port Hope is well-known as a shopping destination for antiques and other specialty items."

You wouldn't believe the number of retired faggy old men that live there now and run antique stores whose prices rival anything you could find in Toronto.

"Unfortunately, Port hope may be the most uranium contaminated community in Canada, next to Blind River. Port Hope's uranium refinery produced the uranium used in the nuclear bombs dropped on Japan in WWII."

On the east side of the plant is the harbour. On the west side is the Water Treatment Plant and beside that, a public beach. These are all right beside each other. It must explain the constant proliferation of mullets. But don't worry, it's perfectly safe. However it makes me wonder why I've never needed a nightlight. I just have my own green glow that surrounds me when it's dark. Doesn't everyone?

Monday, October 23, 2006

I don't make these things, I just post 'em


Click for the animated version.


Kick Ass Radio

I recently came across a new Internet radio station at www.pandora.com. What sets this one apart from any other is that they have created what they call the Music Genome Project. Essentially what they've done over the past 6 years (and continue to do) is create a sort of DNA for music. Each song is not only defined by genre, but by influences, instrument, tempo, singing etc. I think that there's over a hundred attributes for every piece of music in their database.

So what you do is type in an artist or song that you like and it creates a radio station based on the attributes of your selection. When a song plays you can either tell it that you like it or not, and over time it will fine tune the station to your liking. They've got a great selection too - I heard tracks that I wouldn't expect any station to have. The sound quality is excellent too. Had it hooked into my stereo and playing all weekend.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Old friends


Busy week. Not much time to post things.

I recently connected with my friend Sally who I'd lost touch with over the years. She sent me a picture of us at a party 5 or 6 years ago. Where does time go? And why does it make you get bigger as it goes by?

11:25am: As I look at the picture, I can't help but think back to how crazy, fun, awful, scary, exciting and difficult my life was back then. I felt so completely lost for so many years. These days, I feel more grounded. For the first time in my life I'm in a stable relationship, with a place to live that I can completely call my own. With the stability has come an increased self-awareness: what I'm about, what makes me tick, what I like about myself and what I don't and how to change it, some goals and direction for the future. All in all it's a much more fightening a state of mind than being lost ever was.

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Toilet Sex 101

Hi there! Thanks for coming! In this course you will learn the fine art of Public Toilet Sex. After following these simple steps, you too can fuck all you want in any toilet in the world without ever alerting anyone to your activities:

1. Find your trick and walk nonchalantly down to the furtherest, most remote basement washroom you can find in a downtown city center. Preferable the one located three levels below, down a long, narrow hallway, behind the service elevator.

2. If no one's in there, walk to and enter the last stall - hopefully it's the handicapped one. If there are other people in the room, have your trick enter the stall first. Wait 30 seconds and then walk innocently into the stall.

3. Do your business and keep as quiet as possible. If there are automatic toilets, let them flush 7 times before stopping your activities to place a piece of toilet paper in front of the sensor.

4. When finished, let your trick leave first and make sure he has a really guilty face. Leave your jacket hanging in full view on the door when it opens.

5. Wait thirty seconds, then descreetly reach out and pull the door closed.

6. Wait another thirty seconds, walk out of the stall and straight over to a urinal.

7. Pretend to pee and look around for any other potential clients.

8. Walk away from urinal towards the door. Look for any other potential clients.

9. Stop at the door and make a face that says "Oh stupid me! I forgot to wash my hands!"

10. Walk towards air dryer. Look for any other potential clients.

11. Stop and make a face that says "Oops! I'm supposed to wash my hands first!"

12. Approach sink and begin washing hands. Look for any other potential clients.

13. Wash face and rinse mouth. Look for any other potential clients.

14. Proceed to air dryer and begin drying hands. Look for any other potential clients.

15. When finished, stand around with a blank look on your face. This will distract people from knowing that you are actually looking for any other potential clients.

16. Continue to alternate standing at urinals and washing hands repeatedly while looking for any other potential clients.

17. When next trick is found, go back to step 2.

There! Now you've completed your training and are ready for some real world action!

Good Luck!

Note: If you happen to be in the washroom below the food court in Scotia Plaza in downtown Toronto, just ignore the steps above and join in whatever group activity is taking place. Alternatively you can also join the others who sit in stalls, peek through the cracks and sniff poppers.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

11

The PSB show last night was good. Not mind blowing, not super duper, not amazing, but just pretty good. What killed it for me was the volume - it was too quiet. The result of which was that the music sounded flat, and it was hard to really get into it. I think I've had PSB playing louder in my car. The Hummingbird Center has decent acoustics, so I blame the sound engineer for that one. Have to give props to the set designer though, he/she did a wicked job.

The mix of people was interesting - ages ranged from 20's all the way up to 60's and possibly beyond, with the majority being 40 and over. Ran into my ex, J, then my ex-neighbour who introduced me to an ex-trick who said "I remember you from the gym" as he shook my hand. Oh I remember you too. I got you off in the whirlpool, was what went through my head, but thankfully only a "hello" escaped my lips. Turns out my ex-neighbour is getting married to his partner in 2 weeks. I'm so happy for the both of them, they're great people.

All in all it was a good night, even if I didn't buy a $40.00 PSB t-shirt or a $30.00 program.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm an East End Boy

Going to see Pet Shop Boys tonight! Hopefully it's better than Wicked.

Ghetto Brats

Last night at around 9:00pm there was a knock at the door. I opened it to find two little boys around 8 or 9 years old. The one with the afro asked "Do you want to buy a chocolate bar to help our school?" The other held out a Caramilk bar.

First thought: It's 9:00! Isn't that a little late to be out fundraising?? And where are the parents?

Second thought: Caramilk? Since when do schools sell Caramilk bars? It's usually those chocolate almonds that are so extremely addictive. Something tells me that that chocolate bar is so hot it's probably melting in his grubby little hands. Somewhere a convenience store is missing some inventory.

Third thought: Ummm... No.

So I politely said No Thank You and closed the door. I few seconds later I looked out and they were still standing at the driveway. They saw me watching and went over to the neighbour's. At that moment Q came storming down the stairs (he wasn't in a good mood to begin with). He'd been watching them from the bedroom upstairs and saw the little bastards spit on my car!

I jumped out of the way as he stormed out of the house, marched across the lawn and into the neighbour's front entranceway.

"I SAW YOU SPIT ON MY FUCKING CAR!! NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!"

They didn't stand a chance. He marched them out of the house, heads down, tail between the legs and down the lawn to their bicycles where they silently got on and rode away. As we were watching them go down the street our neighbour came out of his house in his robe wondering what the hell just happened. He didn't seem to mind.

Don't these kids have homework? Bedtime? Parents?

Very sad.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Back to the grind.

Well, vacation time is over and I'm trying unsuccessfully to get back into work mode. We stayed in town for a few days, then headed over to Montreal on Thursday, came back on Sunday and then prepared a Thanksgiving feast for Q's family on Monday. Making food for 15 people is a lot of work. I can't take all the credit though, I stayed mostly out of the kitchen while Q and his mom took charge of the food. I know when to stay out of the way.

Here are some things I learned while on vacation:

  • It's useless to attempt any problem resolution with my parents. They simply are not capable of listening or communicating. The best I can do is let them know how I feel and leave it at that. To expect any sort of resolution or apology is an exercise in futility. They prefer to drop it and pretend like nothing ever happened.
  • My asshole brother (who I haven't spoke to in almost a decade) isn't just being an ass. He really doesn't understand why my sister and I are pissed at him. My parents have given in and pretend like he didn't do horrible things to them and the family, thus not showing him how his actions have impacted their (or anyone's) lives. If they aren't mad at him, then why should we be?
  • My parents have never been able to control my brother because he's learned all his traits from my mother. She'd have to come to terms with her behaviour before dealing with his. That's never going to happen.
  • My parents know nothing about me. In thier minds I left their house, moved to Toronto, finished University, moved a few times, got a house, left that house, moved a few more times, bought a new house and go to work. I also travel from time to time. I lead a simple life and have never experienced any sort of difficulty. That's all they really care to know.
  • It's going to take us the better part of a year to get the house set up, clear the "upstairs basement" of all the boxes and turn it into a proper guest room.
  • We need a cleaning lady.
  • When driving to Montreal, it's a good idea to stop and fill up the car in Cornwall before crossing the Quebec border. Gas in Quebec is expensive.
  • I'm over my "fear" of Montreal. Psycho was from there and he used to drag me down to Montreal all the time to go stay and visit with his friends. They were all losers who did a lot of drugs, had no real jobs, and no direction in life. A lot of the trips weren't all that fun and left me with an uncomfortable association with him, his friends and the city. It took over 2 years before I finally felt comfortable enough to go back there. Even then I didn't relax until the second day.
  • The bridges in Quebec are in a very sad state. We saw far too many with screening bolted on them to stop the concrete from falling.
  • It is possible to have bad food in Montreal. Le Faubourg ain't what it used to be.
  • The bathrooms in downtown Montreal are just as cruisy as the ones here in Toronto. No - I did not do anything naughty. However I'm pretty sure the two guys coming out of the handicapped stall at the end were. Especially when one walked over to the sink afterwards and rinsed out his mouth.
  • I have not lost my french. In fact I was surprised at my level of reading comprehension. It took a few days for my brain to kick in to french mode and process the language at the same speed as english. I was able to hold a conversation much better by the time we left. I'm just out of practice, but if I was immersed in it for a few weeks it would all come back.
  • With a little help you can go away for 4 days, come home and prepare to have a large amount of people over for dinner. Though I wouldn't recommend it on a regular basis.
  • 14 pounds of potatoes for 15 people is a little much. That's almost a pound of mashed potatoes per person. Not my idea.
  • Grape pie sounds really weird, but tastes really delicious.
  • I like the new Scissor Sisters album. I gave it a second chance and let it grow on me. Sure there's a blatant rip off of Elton John's "I'm still standin' ", and songs from the Muppet Movie, but I'm over the shock now. Usually albums that I hated at first and then grew to love become my favourites (ie. Behaviour - Pet Shop Boys). This will probably end up being one of them.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Time Out

As of tomorrow I am on a much needed and deserved vacation. I'll be back after thanksgiving - which will not be spent with my parents. We're having Q's family over instead.

Last night I woke up at 4:00 am to the sound of voices - and not the usual ones in my head. They were coming from downstairs. For a minute I lied there, trying to listen to what the intruders who'd just broken into my house were saying. I got very confused when I heard someone say "Dude, where'd you learn to surf like that?" and then some kid say "That was awesome!" Small children don't typically break into homes and discuss surfing techniques. Slowly, in a post-sleep haze, I came to the realization that it was coming from the TV downstairs. The cable box had taken upon itself to turn on in the middle of the night. Unfortunately for me I'd left the stereo on too, so all the sound came blaring into the living room. I somehow managed to make my way downstairs and turn it off.

I'm going to have a stern talk with our poltergeist when I get home. It's one thing to stack all the dining room chairs in a pyramid when I turn my back or slide me across the kitchen floor on my ass, but it's an entirely different story to be so inconsiderate and interrupt my sleep. If this keeps up, someone's getting an exorcism.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Cliffhanger

If I was in the highly unlikely hypothetical situation of being out on a hike with my brother, and he slipped and fell down an embankment and was left holding on by a few fingers as he dangled precariously over certain death, I don't know how quickly I'd react to help him - if at all.

Isn't that awful?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Must be something in air

I know of a few people that are having parental issues these days. It must be that time of year. I just joined them.

My brother Jason is a good for nothing, free loading, lying, manipulative asshole. He's never been able to (or had to) fend for himself or take responsibility for his actions. My parents have always bail him out of everything. Neither my Dee, my sister, or I have spoken to him in about 10 years. We simply refuse to have anything to do with him. He's done some truly awful things to my parents, the whole family in general, and to his own children. He's never apologized for any of it. Not to mention his bitch wife is one of the most disgustingly evil women on this planet.

Back in May he decided to leave the festering cunt for the 143,596th time and showed up on my parents' doorstep. He's been there ever since with no plans to leave or even look for a place of his own. Consequently his 11 and 12 year old emotionally damaged children come down to visit him every other weekend. His little girl is an absolute sweetheart, but has problems, and his son will end up in jail before he's 18. Fun. It has completely disrupted my parents' lives.

Up until this point, my parents had been able to keep his life separate from ours, but would bitch about him from time to time. Now that he is permanently there, it makes it difficult for me to visit, or for my sister to drop by with her kids. Sunday night my mother invited Dee down for dinner. When she arrived Jason was there and the table was set for seven instead of six people. He does tend to just disappear from time to time, so Dee agreed to go thinking that he'd be gone. The shit hit the fan.

Jason didn't want to join them for dinner and my mother threw a fit. Dee then joined in, had words with the both of them and told my mother that she didn't appreciate being ambushed like that. My mother then proceeded to tell her that she has to deal with this (which my parents haven't done) and not to ignore it. Then she proceeded to throw down her oven mitts and storm upstairs. A typical hypocritical action from her. Dee packed up the kids and went to McDonalds. Then she called me when she got home.

I'd had enough by this point anyways and I proceeded to call them and got my father on the phone. I told him what I thought of the whole situation, what I thought of my brother, and that they needed to fix this by making Jason own up to it. It wasn't my job or Dee's to fix this problem. Then last night I got my mother on the phone and asked her what the hell she was thinking asking Dee down to have dinner with her brother. Of course I got the sob story about wanting a whole family again, which i didn't buy because it was just another one of her schemes, and then I got the "Fine, we just won't have family get togethers anymore. Your father and I will just go away at Christmas." To which I replied "That's typical. Run away from the problems instead of fixing them like you always do." That didn't go over so well.

Anyways the conversation ended with me being the ungrateful one who doesn't do enough to help his parents, (because doing things like booking them hotels at discounted rates through my connections every time they travel, and getting them out of a legal mess a few years ago on top of loaning them the money for the legal fees is such an ungrateful thing to do) and how it's just awful that my sister and I gang up on them and attack them. All of which was followed by an over dramatic "I can't take this anymore!!" CLICK

Typical.

Monday, September 25, 2006

Static

On Saturday I dragged Q back home for a first birthday party for Matthew, my cousin Jenny's baby. I went to high school with her husband, and he had invited a few of his friends who still live in the Port Hope / Cobourg area to the party. I last saw these people in 1995, and they hadn't changed at all!! I swear they were plucked out of that decade and plopped into the present. Gerry was still wearing a sweatshirt, jeans that were frayed at the bottom and sandals. Jason was still in his striped polo shirt.

I don't get it. How can 10 years go by and a person look exactly the same? It must be what happens when you never leave a small town. Neither of them recognized me (thankfully), until we started into a conversation. I swear I'd have a fit if someone said I hadn't changed a bit in over a decade. I'd probably run home screaming and shave my head or something.

Friday, September 22, 2006

Red Rubber Boots are Sexy


Just ask this man (safe for work).

Semen

Yes. Semen. Ever wonder what the definition of Semen is? Well the all knowing, community created Wikipedia has the answer - and a shot of it dripping off of wallpaper to boot.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I win!!

I win! I win! I win! I didn't lose! I win! And I didn't have to get all super cunty bitchy either (damn).

After having my rear brakes replaced and the rotors machined because my parking brake was faulty, and having to pay for it, I wasn't a happy camper on Saturday. Initially I was told that the parking brake cables would be replaced under warranty, but the other work may not be covered.

On Wednesday I was told that Hyundai Canada agreed only to pay for the brake pads and their installation - and only the dealer cost at that. They wouldn't pay for the rotor machining. Of course I said that was unacceptable.

This morning I placed a call to the service manager, and left a very pleasant, professional message asking him to call me about the situation.

At 8:00 tonight I recieved a call from the dealership that Hyundai had also agreed to pay for the rotors (at cost of course) but not to worry, the dealership would cover the difference and I'll be getting all my money back. The guy (who was not the service manager) told me that this was a first, and he didn't know what strings I pulled, or who I spoke with to make it happen, but he was going out an buying a lottery ticket! Of course I hadn't even begun my crusade yet, but I admitted nothing.

Imagine, a car dealership that admits fault, then does the right thing and stands behind their customer AND GIVES MONEY BACK. Quite honestly, other than showing some determination that I wouldn't take no for an answer, I didn't have to fight for my money.

Who knew?

Cheer Up

Everyone in blogdom (including me) seems to be down today. Just be thankful that none of us are forced to wear v-neck sweaters with yellow trim and flowers (not to mention the 3/4 cut sleeves), white capris and blue platform boots.

Go Chavez!

I say good for you! Bush deserves to have that ridiculous religous crap thrown back in his face.

And he does talk and act like he rules the world.

Mush

Last night we watched the season finale repeat of Grey's Anatomy. Actually, I watched it while Q fell asleep on the couch. I have to admit that I cried a little when Denny died, and I don't make a habit of getting emotional with TV. It was obvious that he was going to go at some point, but it was still a heart wrenching scene nonetheless.

Later, it left me awake in bed, thinking about what I would do if anything ever happened to Q. Would I lie in bed with his dead body like Izzie did? Probably. Would someone have to physically remove me from the bed too? Most likely. I'd be devestated. It would take me a long time to recover, pick up the pieces, and move on with my life. In fact, the only reason why I'd move on is because I'd know that that's what Q would want. I've heard first hand from someone that when you lose a loved one, that pain never goes away. It gets easier as time goes by, but it never, truly, completely goes away. I believe it.

This is new for me. I've never felt this way about anyone before. If any of my other exes had died, I'd probably have been relieved more than anything else. In fact I'm sure that there were times when I wished they were dead so I didn't have to put up with the bullshit anymore. But this is different. Q is so ingrained in my life, and so fulfulling that I simply cannot imagine a world without him.

I used to think all the emotional stuff on TV and in the movies was just over-dramasized fluff, but it's not. There's a grain of truth there, and it's just a question of whether or not you can relate. I guess that's why it's so compelling.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

You know what's not a good movie?

The Killer Klowns from Outer Space.


The plot - Killer clown shaped aliens land their circus tent shaped spaceship in a small town and start killing people by shooting them with a laser gun, which wraps them up in a cotton candy cocoon. Then they stick a swirly straw in it and suck out the juice. Of course they do this to everyone except the heroine who, for some unknown reason (other than to further the plot so she can be rescued), they put in a giant balloon. Add "teenagers" who look like they're in their 30's, an old cop who inexplicably hates those goddamn teenagers, a makeout point, two comic relief idiots who'll stop at nothing to get girls and boobies, a dash of 1987, and you get a film that's marginally better, yet still more enjoyable, than Hostel.


Monday, September 18, 2006

Another chapter in Shit Management

Continuing my rant about shit quality from a few days ago, I took my 1.5 year old Hyundai Elantra in for it's 36000km oil change/service on Saturday. It had been there for about an hour when I got THE CALL. Problem #1 - my front tires were worn out and needed replacing - and they aren't rated so there's no type of warranty on them. These tires, which I had rotated regularly, came with the car, and no, there is no alignment problem either. At least the guy was honest and apologetic when he told me that the stock tires are crap. But still...

Problem #2 - my rear brakes were completely worn out, just down to the last 3%, but before the squealing starts. Considering that this is a front wheel drive vehicle and the front brakes were fine, I found that hard to believe. It seems they wore down because they weren't releasing all the way (so I was driving around with rear brakes on - but lightly enough that I wouldn't notice), which in turn caused the rotors to get overheated and require machining. Long story short - need new rear brakes, brake adjustment, and rotors machined. Needless to say, I wasn't too happy at this point, but opted to get the brakes fixed since it's just a wee bit important to have proper brakes. For the tires I'm going to shop around.

When I went to pick up the car, the service guy informed me that he'd done some investigating and found out why my rear brakes weren't releasing as they should - there is a problem with my parking brake cable. Now get this - this is the real kicker - the parking brake cable replacement is covered under warranty, but the resulting damage to my rear brakes is not! Now, this guy did not have the authority to override this, nor was there anyone else in the dealship at the time who could. The best he could do for me is place a call to Hyundai on Monday and see what they say. If they don't agree to pay for the repairs, then he'll have to talk to the Service Manager to see if the dealership will cover it. In the meantime I had to shell out almost $500 to get my car back. Not happy, not happy at all. I didn't take it out on the service guy though, since it wasn't his call to make, but I did tell him that I wouldn't take no for an answer, and I'll await his call.

I'm already in a fight with Bell that's gone all the way up to the President (and now I'm winning). I have no problem doing the same with Hyundai. I'm prepared to take them to small claims court if necessary. Even if I don't win there (and I can't see why I wouldn't) I'll have at least cost the company more than my measley few hundred dollars to send a lawyer. However, the service level at the dealership is great, so there's a good chance they'll come to the table. Otherwise they'll wish I'd never bought a car there.