Aquaman's a pussy

So, continuing on the Google theme, I came across Googlefight today.

As I had long suspected, Aquaman is a complete and total wimp. I pitted him against all the Superfriends and the only ones who didn't inflict mass damage were Gleek and Hawkman - a space monkey and a wussy bird.

I mean come on, it must be so embarassing to get your ass whipped by an indian chief (probably kept getting smacked with his giant dong), 2 teenagers whose idea of fighting crime is to turn into a dung beetle and an ice enema, an illegal immigrant, some weird black dude in a unitard and a back-alley boy toy.

As for me, I seem to get my ass google-whipped by almost everyone I know, but I can still kick Aquaman's ass any day.

Bring it on fish boy, I'm ready. You been served.

99 Things about me that I never knew

I've just discovered Googlisms thanks to Aaron who just discovered them from someone else.

Instead of posting all 99 entries that came back from my real name, I'll just post some of my favourites:

normlr is a hot tramp
normlr is a hunk
normlr is a dork
normlr is a christian organization
normlr is an unrepentant homosexural
normlr is in his fourth year of solitary confinement
normlr is a 37
normlr is a teenage boy who lives with his dad
normlr is a healthy 7lbs 3oz and 19" long
normlr is 20
normlr is such a handfull
normlr is in a new movie called "the right steps"
normlr is a young boy who has a form of muscular dystrophy called spinal muscular atrophy
normlr is a tree he can climb
normlr is also a founder member of the uk coloured pencil society
normlr is very artistic and draws elaborate robot men
normlr is the bass player for spank wizard
normlr is available by appointment
normlr is the sweetest and sexiest boy in the whole world
normlr is that you?
normlr is the president and co
normlr is now an old man of 10 with over $8000 in stocks from the sale of his works
normlr is even asked for autographs
normlr is tangled in a love triange
normlr is not a swot
normlr is finally believing what i've told him all along
normlr is currently working on a series of procedural videos on topics like "external wiring for pacemakers" and "how to tap knee fluid" which the site will
normlr is twenty
normlr is that brilliant
normlr is that brilliant
normlr is leaving

ebay exorcism

Just came across this fantastic toy today. I want to buy it.

Apparently a couple from Alberta bought a stuffed Stitch toy (from Lilo and Stitch) at a scary gift shop along some lone highway while vacationing in Florida. Turns out the toy is possessed. It keeps going bump in the night, knocking things over, breaking the TV, and even causing the family dog to pass out in fright. The owners keep trying to get rid of it, but it keeps coming back. They've buried it, chopped it up, pinned it under the tv, locked it in a safe but just like the bouncy ball in The Changeling (love that movie) - it keeps coming back. So this distraught, disshevelled, demonically-challenged family did the only thing that they could possibly do:

They put it up for sale on ebay.

I kid you not, and it's going for $135.00. Oh, and did I mention the part about the doll burning a priests hands? Next thing you know the room will fill up with flies and the walls will start oozing blood.

Jennifer Tilley call your agent. There's a new Chucky in town, and he ain't leaving.

***UPDATE****

The link seems to have gone dead. Luckily I made a copy of the listing.

Hair Pie!!

One of my favourite movies of all time was on last night. I don't even know how many times I've watched Revenge of the Nerds in my life. For some reason my parents saw fit to let me watch the movie, even though I was only 9 or 10 by the time it got out on video (bless them). Then it was on TV and we taped it and watched it over and over again. I swear, the musical number at the end sums up the early 80's music scene in just a few short minutes. I love it.

Speaking of hair pie, I stumbled across Rosie O'Donnell's blog yesterday. It's a bit weird, and she doesn't seem like a very happy person. Though I found the number of obsure Erasure references thoroughout the blog and her site a little facinating. Wow, I have something in common with Rosie. I also know someone who knows her and Kelly quite well. It feels a little odd to be one person removed from a celebrity because you want to ask them to invite you to some fabulous party so you can meet them (knowing full well that it would just never happen). Not that I'm in love with Rosie, just curious.
What's even stranger though, is some of the comments. Fans are fucking weird.

And continuing on the hair theme, I shaved off all my facial hair last night for the first time in about 4 years. I always have a goatee, and throughout the winter I typically grow a beard. I've been bummed out recently, and needed to do a little cleansing in the spirit of spring. I think I shaved about 5 years off my face. I used to look like I was in my 30's, but now I look late 20's again. Never noticed how red my lips were either.

When Q walked in the door after work, he was a little shocked, stepped back out into the hallway and checked the apt # to be sure he had the right place. Kinda freaked him out a little since he's never seen my face naked before.

I don't think Ill keep it naked though. I hate shaving my upper lip (always take off some skin somewhere) and this morning my chin got cold when I went to get my tea. I'm too delicate to have a cold chin.

Oh and Happy St Patrick's Day. A word of advice - don't go to McDonalds and ask for a Shamrock shake. When the barely english speaking person behind the counter doesn't understand you and you try to tell them "It's like a milkshake, but it's green!!" you'll get looked at like the crazy person you truly are.

Vroom Vroom Kaboom

I want a new car. I don't exactly know why. Q got a new one just before Christmas, which is all decked out and very nice. Usually I would just use that as a reason, but I don't think that's it this time.

Originally I was looking at the RAV4 Chili Edition. Sweet. I love sitting up high.
Then I thought about the Corolla Sport Edition - almost as good, but cheaper.
But then I came across the Mazda 6 Sport. I hadn't thought much about that car, until I discovered that it was available in orange - my favourite colour. Q and I went to see one last night, just before closing so that there was no way I could take it for a test drive (my idea). It's a very nice car. Did I mention the orange?

*Sigh* Back to reality.
Right now I have a 2 year old Toyota Echo. It's small yet spacious inside, easy to park, costs me $220.00 a month, cheap on gas and gets me to and from work every day (which is under an hour's driving time). It's also leased for another 2 years.

So I thought long and hard about it, and what it all comes down to is this: "Do I really want to pay twice as much (plus increased insurance) for a car that I'll drive an hour a day (sometimes more) plus a little bit of driving on the weekends.?

I can afford it, but I think the answer is no.

Goddamn it. Oh well, being a Gemini, something else will catch my eye and I'll forget all about this car nonsense in a few days. Meanwhile, I'm bummed.

Pea Soup is Sexy

Knottyboy's recent post reminded me of the time I went to see the Exorcist re-release in the theatres a number of years ago.

As we were watching the movie, I started hearing someone making grunting noises. There was a grunt here and there and at first I didn't think much of it. I thought that maybe there was a handicapped person in the theatre somewhere. Seriously. Then I realized that the groans were getting rhythmic, and LOUD. People started bitching and yelling at whoever it was to shut the fuck up. I finally looked around, and to the left of me

a man behind a row of young women was jerking off while Linda Blair's head was doing a 360 and spewing green shit on the big screen.

Eventually the guy got kicked out.

That little episode got titled "Jerking off to the Exorcist" and filed under "Things I thought I'd never see".

Crazy Like Patrick Swayze

OK, there are a lot of crazy people here in Toronto and they are doing a lot of crazy things. I don't think that the never ending winter is helping much either.

Sunday - a deranged man takes his daughter to a bridge over the 401 (Ontario's biggest and busiest highway), dangles her over the edge and calls his ex wife to tell her that he's going to kill himself and their child. Then he throws her over the edge and jumps a moment later. She survives and thankfully the bastard is dead. The poor child is still in critical condition at Sick Kids Hospital and they are unsure if she will make it or not.

Tuesday - a crazy pan handler decides to run around the intersection of Yonge and Wellesley waving 2 knives in the middle of morning rush hour. The police surround him while he taunts them to try to get them to shoot and kill him. They eventually pin him to a bike post with a cruiser, pepper spray and apprehend him. You can watch the video here (it's under March 8th).

Wednesday - Another crazy man drives up to a farmer's protest at Queen's Park (he is not a farmer) and start driving erradically. Police box his van in. Again, he taunts police to shoot and kill him, then proceeds to pour gasoline all over himself and set himself on fire. Police and firemen smash the window of the van, pull him out, and put out the fire. He is now in the hospital.

** Update March 11th ** - You can now go to the same spot and see the video filed under March 10th

What the hell is going on? Has winter really been that bad to cause so many people to snap? I can't ever imagine getting so low as to kill myself. I just don't get it. I know that there are many circumstances, some physical, which can push you to that point. But still. I feel sorry for them though (except for the child throwing bastard). It's too bad that they couldn't/wouldn't get the help that they needed.

How in the hell does somebody set themselves on fire? And more importantly, how does somebody kill their own child by throwing them off a bridge into oncoming traffic?

Unfucking believable.

*** Update ****

You know, I've been thinking and I've changed my mind. I don't feel sorry for these people at all. They put people's lives in danger, not to mention the lives of the police officers. That's a pretty shitty thing to do, and I have no sympathy for that whatsoever.

Random Thoughts

I was trying to think of something to write about today, but nothing really came to mind. I was thinking of compiling a list of my favourite LP's (The Pretty In Pink Soundtrack on pink vinyl being one of them), but that's boring.

Then I thought about mentioning the guy I just saw on the corner. We chatted at the Eagle a few summers ago, and then he emailed me cock shots and photos of him fucking someone. So when I saw him at lunch, I wanted to go "I've seen you naked! I've seen you naked! na na na na na na". Of course that was retarded, so that idea was axed.

Then I thought of responding to Snooze's comment on why Birdparty is so horrific:

Is it mean? - YES
Is it cruel? - YES
Is it humiliating? - YES
But is it funny? - well, YES

I really can't put it any clearer than that. I'm not totally disagreeing with you Snooze, I just like toilet humour.

I also put a counter on my page. It's been climbing at a decent rate. I didn't think that many people were reading my blog. Thanks everyone.

And finally, I'd like to thank Jockohomo for making my day with the link to this Super Friends/Office Space mashup. They took the audio from the movie and plastered it onto the SF cartoon. Enjoy.

Big Babies, Dirty Old Men, & Getting Fucked by a Dog - Just to name a few

Birdparty is my new favourite time-waster. She (he?) answers bizarre sex ads, and posts the best ones on her blog. Her photo is priceless.

I haven't laughed at such silly immature humour since I discovered Fat Chicks in Party Hats years and years ago. Yes it's cruel, but he makes fun of fags and I laugh at that too, so I'm allowed to like it.

SNAP! Part 2

I realized that I forgot one of the best moments of Thursday night.

Q and I were walking through a crowd of people, and we passed by someone who I instantly recongnized, and who recognized me. The difference was I knew immediately where I knew him from - he didn't:

Guy: Have we me before?

Me: Maybe

Guy: Did we meet at IBM?

Me: No (with sly smile on my face)

Guy: Are you sure? or am I mistaken?

Me: You must be mistaken.

He looked puzzled and we continued on our separate ways. Of course what I really wanted to say to him was:

"No you didn't meet me at IBM, but you might remember me from that time at the gym 5 or 6 years ago when you followed me into the change room, and then into the steam room and said "You're fucking hot!!" and then clamped your mouth down on my dick."

But I didn't say it. Just didn't seem like the right place or time. However, I did tell Q and a few other people I ran into because I found it so funny.

I talked to a few people, and some say I should have told him he was an old trick, and others think I took the right approach.

So that leaves me wondering, what you would have done in the same circumstances?

SNAP!

So last night was the annual SNAP! fundraiser for the Aids Committe of Toronto. It's a photo competition/auction that anyone can enter. Amateurs enter the competition part, which is followed by a silent auction. Other "established" artists donate work which gets auctioned off live.

I was pretty happy that both submissions made it into the auction. They only had room for about half of the 400+ entries, and I got in. I entered "Through the Drinking Glass" which is here on the website, and "Cruisin' in Memphis" which is here. Both photos were matted and the bidding started at $25.00. Last I saw, the first was going for $80.00 and the other for $100.00. Not bad at all! The 2 I entered last year went for around $40 and $75.

Before I go any further, I should explain something. All of the subject matter in my work are toys. Usually action figures that I had growing up, or that I've accumulated from yard sales, ebay etc. When I entered last year, it was great because my work was like nothing else there. It really stood out.

This year I was dismayed to find 3 other artists using toys as well! That annoyed me. The work was really good. That annoyed me even more. And one of the photos used an old-school GI JOE which really pissed me off, since that is the basis of my next series of photos. ARRRGGHH!!

It was even to the point that people I knew there initially thought that some of the other work was mine. I've always had people tell me that they find my work to be very unique. I guess that can only last for so long. If I can think of it, then I guess someone else can too.

But I've decided that I will take credit for being the pioneer of this current trend. It's so flattering to have all of these people copying my idea! Lights! Camera! Guest List!

Oh, and Wallpaper, I think that I will be able to fit you in for an introspective interview three weeks from Thursday.

There. Now I feel better.

Stop pissing in my cornflakes!!!

I hate it when people piss me off. That fact that someone pisses me off, gets me more pissed. It's like a vicious circle. I don't know if I am inadvertantly antagonizing people myself, or if it's just that my patience for people is at an all time low.

I came back from New York, all relaxed and freed from crap that had been bothering me from before. Just getting away can help put things into perspective. Then I had a conversation with someone on the phone and about an hour later I get an email from said person, detailing their thoughts on something that I was doing (or hadn't done rather) that was bothering them.

You know, they had me on the phone for 15 minutes talking about nothing and this couldn't have come up??

I can take criticism. I can take being told I've done something wrong. I can even take being told what I'm doing is pissing you off.

What gets me going is when I'm sent an email stating that I've committed some sort of impropriety with no means to defend myself. There are always 2 sides to every story, and it's rather unfair that I don't get to tell mine.

And it's cowardly. I've known this person for close to 20 years and it's disappointing that they can't just come out and say what they have to say to me. I understand why they are perturbed, and I'm not saying that I'm Mr. Clean or anything, but if they were to ask and find out exactly what's been going on in my life lately, maybe they would understand. Then they wouldn't be writing stupid emails, and I wouldn't be wanting to tell them to fuck off.

Is that so hard??

New York City Boy

Well Q and I just spent a wonderful weekend in NYC. My ulcer meds finally kicked in too, so I could actually enjoy myself. I brought my camera, but since I'd been before and will go again, I decided to take pics of things that interested me instead.


This was our American Ambassador who greeted us at Buffalo airport - it's much cheaper to fly from there.


This was there for a long time...


Then it mysteriously moved.


I swear this looked like a robot.


I'm really curious as to what happened here. Big splat + plus empty cup + two phones off the hook = ?


Then we went to see the gates.


I was going to buy a purse, but I've got too many at home already.


It still exists!!


Ewwwwwww. We don't have these in Canada either.


Something tells me that finding wigs in the gutter isn't out of the ordinary on Chistopher St.


Ahhhmmmmmm....


We could all give a little more.


Man if I got a POLYSTATION III, all the kids would think I was so k3wl!


Especially cuz it has Super 9999999 IN 1!!!!


When I was in NYC last, we spent some time every day at the Factory Cafe and loved it. I took Q and was really disappointed. The desserts sucked and the staff were clueless.


I loved the way this store was decorated. If I had a store, it would look like this one.


Thank you Mr. Bush.


These puppies were chilly.


I think that this is Billy Idol's sister. She had a matching belt to her bracelet, and even took the time to cut the collar off of her shirt. I had to take this photo from across a food court, while pretending that I was looking at my camera.


As usual, our flight home was delayed, so I had to buy a slag mag. This one had a very insightful article about killer vampire poodles. Hopefully our government won't get ahold of this and add poodles to pit bulls in their list of banned canines.

Well, that's my warped photo log of a rather tame weekend in NYC. It was exactly what Q and I needed to escape from reality for a few days. If only it was closer....

Acid Thunder

Well, turns out that I might have an ulcer and I have to take some pills for a month. So I guess that means bread can stay. The diet wasn't all in vain though, since my doctor would have had me do that anyways. I'm just relieved that the goddamn thing is over.

I'd still recommend it to anyone who is trying to quit a bad food habit or smoking even. I found it easier to be missing a whole bunch of things all at once. That way, you don't concentrate on just one vice and end up going back to it. But to each their own. It's a hell of a test of your willpower.

Guess I will have to find something else to bitch about. In the mean time, here's Howie watching me while I work.

1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10

Well I made it to Day 10. The last day of cleansing my body of impurities. After this I get to answer this trivia question, in the style of Jackpot:

"I can make you bloat, make you roll on the ground in the fetal position with gas pain, make you clear a room in a matter of seconds, or give you 60 seconds to find the nearest bathroom and make you not care if it's straight out of Trainspotting or not. What kind of food am I?"

I guess wheat. We'll soon see.

I must confess that I cheated last night. Q and I went out for chicken wings. Chicken is on the list of approved foods, however I would assume being deepfried in oil is not - even if it's not explicitly stated. But I didn't have any fries or beer. Really, there is only so much I can do as a human being. I payed for it this morning anyways. Apparently mounds of oil doesn't go over so well on a "clean" stomach. Still haven't lit up yet!

I also have to confess that I hate Roasted Soy Nuts. I bought them because I couldn't have peanuts. I've only been eating them because they taste like salt. I'm sure that if you took a handfull of small pebbles and dusted them with salt, you'd get the same experience. These might be easier on the digestive system.

On a side note, I got the Scissor Sisters DVD today. Hopefully I will be happier with it than with the remix CD. If the live footage is good enough, I think I'll iPod it.

99 Luftballons

Today's lucky number is 9.

9 days of no smoking, caffeine, bread, pasta, chocolate, VODKA, and other essentials of life.

Woke up in a very bad mood again today. Mostly because the cats were keeping us up all night by getting into everything they could. The kicker was when I discovered my eye drops wedged under the wine fridge. Howie learned to fly. Guess he was lucky we have soft furniture. Mabel is a little smarter than her brother and stayed the fuck away. I didn't even give them their morning treats. They looked very sad when I left for work. Guess I would be too if I ran up to someone in the morning to say hello and was met with a FUCK OFF!!

Withdrawl is a bitch. When I woke up the first time last night, I was instantly seething with anger. Pure rage was seeping out of my pores and through my veins. Not at anyone or anything - just all emotion. I also cherish my sleep and am very perturbed when it's disturbed. I've been known to whack Q or shove him rather harshly in the middle of the night if the poor guy inadvertantly wakes me up. This happens before I know what's going on or can stop myself. It's not a regular thing, but does happen from time to time.

So this morning all I wanted to calm my nerves was a cigarette, which of course I didn't have and wasn't going to have. But I was pretty calmed down by the time I got to work and feel better now.

I saw a friend of mine today who I hadn't seen in a few weeks. She noticed right away that I had lost some weight - especially in my face. I noticed too the other day when I put on a certain pair of pants. I quit smoking and lost weight. Who knew?

Is there a full moon sometime soon? The pets have been extra weird lately.

Oh, and a special shout out to everyone for their support with quitting smoking. I think I'll actually make it.

99 dreams I have had In every one a red balloon
It's all over and I'm standing pretty
In this dust that was a city
If I could find a souvenir
Just to prove the world was here
And here is a red balloon
I think of you, and let it go

UPDATE

My God I'm losing it. I've quoted Nena.

Day number ATE

Well, it was a week today when I had my last cigarette and ate normal food. Ever since then it's been up and down. Today is definitely a down. I am having the worst nicotine cravings and it's making me real bitchy.

It started last night when i wanted to eat every food that was on TV. Then Q would lite up a smoke and I'd stare at him until he finished it. This morning I could kill. I'd like to wear a sign that says "Get Outta My Way Bitch!" to give people warning, but I'll just have to clench my teeth and not kill them the old fashioned way.

This is weird cuz I thought that the worst of it was over. Guess not.

Give me strength not to strangle anyone.

Fire! Fire Where?? Fire There!!

So Q had to go to work this morning, and I'm laying on the couch watching Cruising. This has got to be one of Al Pacino's finest movies - ever. It's about 9:30 am and I hear our wine cooler making an odd sound and then I smell smoke. So I'm thinking "great. motor's burnt out. where the hell is the Home Depot receipt, how the hell am I going to return it, etc etc."

I pull it a way from the wall, but don't see anything and the smell of smoke isn't any stronger. The cooler is by the door, and on a hunch I open it. Smoke is everywhere, the hallway is filled . I'm only wearing my bathrobe, so I hastily grab the phone, dial 911 and try to get dressed at the same time,

911: Hello 911. Do you need fire, ambulance or police?
ME: FIRE!!
911: Hold on, I'll put you through. Don't hang up.
I get passed on to someone else
911: What seems to be the problem?
ME: Well, I am on the second floor and my hallway is filled with smoke!
911: OK, well we have someone on the way. Please go out and pull the fire alarm.
ME: I'm not going back out there! It's filled with smoke!
911: OK then, well someone is on the way.

Gee thanks a lot. So then my mind starts going over what to do in case of a fire:

Towel at base of door - check.
Keep all windows and doors shut - check.

My apt is still filling up with smoke and the alarm starts going off. I start on Mission: Find and catch the freaked out cats. I also call Q and let him know that the building is burning down. He stays calm and tells me to get the cats and if worse comes to worse I can climb down the balcony. Of course I know this already, but what the hell else is he going to tell me when he's an hour a way???

Eventually I catch both traumatized cats and shove them in their kennel, get my coat, shoes, cell phone, keys, ipod and camera (funny what becomes important), take a deep breath to hold while running down the hall and open the door -

Most of the smoke is gone, the door to the old man's apt across the hall is open and firemen and police are there talking to him. Turns out he set his kitchen on fire, but everything's ok now and I can go back inside.

And to answer everyone's first question: I don't know if the firemen were hot. They were all dressed up in layers of clothes, most had their backs turned to me and the one I did speak to was quite dismissive. I was also a little freaked out too. I wish I knew.

So I let the kitties out, opened all the windows and went outside for a walk. Called Bruce, let him know everything was OK, went to Tim Horton's, got my green tea and sat and listened to my ipod for a while until I had calmed down.

So much for a restful, relaxing Saturday morning.

Day 5 -Things I'd like to have right now, but can't

1. Dark, bitter, swiss chocolate
2. Oh Henry bar
3. Snickers bar
4. Ginger Ale
5. Beer
6. Red wine
7. Vodka martini, staight up, dirty, with olive
8. New York steak - rare please
9. Hamburger
   
10. Fries
    
11. Cigarette
12. Bread
13. Green Tea
14. Tim Horton's everything bagel double toasted with butter - on both sides
    
15. Pasta
16. A group of hot, hairy men to do with as I please, or maybe as they please.
    

I think this diet is starting to work, and if you'll notice, chocolate came way before cigarettes.

Sometimes I miss my slutty days like I miss my smokes.

Moses would be proud.

So I'm at Subway for lunch, wanting a sandwich really bad, but settling for a salad instead. I notice that there is this cute Jewish guy in front of me and begin to wonder if those Yamakas act like a cushion for when you're getting your ass pounded and your head keeps hitting the headboard. I then proceed to picture said activities with the aforementioned man until I realize that I'm having a sex fantasy in line for food at Subway. oops.

On a somewhat related note, our Government is now in the process of debating gay marriage. 4 years ago Paul Martin thought it was icky but now he tells us that butt blasting and clit climbing is the greatest thing since all those years he spent as an alterboy. Let's hope that he can convince enough people that the world won't end if I'm allowed to marry the one I love.