Happy HNT!

Black Eagle. Sunday afternoon. BBQ.

Way back Wednesday

Ok, so this was only a few years ago, but it's me and a freshly bathed Howard and Mable.
It's hard to believe that they were so tiny, and even smaller when they first arrived home. Size didn't stop them from being little hellians though.

 

Nine.

1. I used to have pictures of ABBA in my high school locker - in the early 90's.
2. I also used to dress very preppy in high school, but in a very gay way (surprise.) Paisley shirts and Florsheim shoes anyone?
   
3. I've had many pet cats over the years. Names included Mr. Orangey, Big Boy, Smokey, Ynnub, Gertrude (Gertie), Finster, Newton and most recently Howard and Mabeline (Howie and Mabel for short).
4. One of my all time favourite movies is Queen of Outer Space starring Zsa Zsa Gabor.
5. I'd love to build a huge collection of the worst(best) B/horror/sci-fi movies of all time.
6. In 1987-88, when I was in Grade 7, my voice started to change. It didn't mellow out until 2000-01, after I'd finished University. I spent over a decade sounding like Peter Brady - on a good day. I am not exaggerating. My voice was either on the extremely high or extremely low end of the scale, with nothing in between. Imagine possessing the complete inability to hit any note in the range of middle C and that was me.
7. I'm a closet Buffy the Vampire Fan.
8. Erasure was at a local radio station once and would be signing autographs after the interview. Instead of grabbing one of their CD's I brought my Upstairs at Eric's LP and had Vince Clarke sign an album from his former band.
9. I secretly want to try my hand a being a makeup artist. I'm not talking about the MAC counter, but for movies, stage, and photoshoots.

I love Family Guy

Where else on TV can you see two dykes walk into a sperm bank and say:

"We want to have a baby, so we'd like to buy some sperm and an applicator in the shape of Jodie Foster's knuckles."

Classic.

My latest & greatest idea (that I probably will never have time for)

I think I'd like to publish a book. A martini book to be exact. I've come up with a few of my own concoctions recently and would like to add more. There could be a lot of trial and error involved, and could take a lot of martini's but I'm up for it. Once I had the selection narrowed down, I'd have a martini tasting party to get other people's thoughts and come up with a final list for the book. It would also give me an opportunity to do all the photography, artwork, etc. I'd also put my own spin on it so that it's not just another martini book. Maybe half martini half art book. Or something.

Nice distraction from my other worries for the day.

UPDATE: I think I found a contractor through one of my client's. He's coming by on Tuesday. Stress free weekend for me! Yeah!!!

Kaboom!

I had a little bit of a blow out with Q over the phone this morning. This whole house thing is getting to be very stressful. We've had to nix the door from the basement to the backyard idea because of surveys and permits and crap, plus it seemed to scare away a lot of contractors. Instead we are going to widen the basement stairs to allow us to get appliances in and out of there.

I fucking hate dealing with contractors. I don't know why anyone would waste their time talking to me about a job if they're not interested. If you don't want to do it, or don't have the time, then just fucking tell me! I'm sick of being led on, and then suddenly not having any of my phone calls returned. We have been on a time constraint from the beginning, and didn't have the time to be dicked around. If I wanted to be dicked around, I'd go to a bathhouse where I'd at least enjoy the dicks.

To make matters worse, I'm the one who has all the contacts in the industry, so I'm the one who has to do all the phoning and planning. So when an asshole doesn't show up, then I'm the one left scrambling to find yet another person to call.

Thankfully all the paperwork will be going in tomorrow and I have contractor #4 coming by the house tomorrow evening. I got his name from my agent. He seems like a nice enough guy on the phone, and I've already explained to him my frustrations with the industry. He seemed sympathetic enough and assures me that he's not like that. We'll see.

I really wish the home renovation market would dry up a bit to get rid of the assholes. They've got so much work coming at them that they've become lazy and rude. It doesn't matter if they do good work or not because there's always a lineup out the door. Greedy fuckers.

One thing's for sure, if I haven't started smoking already by this point, I know I'm never going to start again.

Mr. Lunchtime Fantasy 2005/2006

I always go to a certain client's every Tuesday and Thursday. As such I usually go to the local sandwich shop on those days. More often than not, I see another regular customer there too. I've decided that he gets the honorary title of Mr. Lunchtime Fantasy. He's my type - big, burly, mid-40's, salt & pepper hair, goatee etc. , and judging by the advertising on his truck, I'd say he's a contractor.

I first noticed him a few months ago. Initially I would just sneek peaks out of the corner of my eye but then I decided to take a good look at him. His hair was always cut short and perfect, he had a perfectly trimmed and groomed goatee, and his nails were always clean - which is a little odd for someone in construction. The gaydar light switched from yellow to bright flashing green, I Will Survive came blaring out of nowhere as the disco ball dropped from the ceiling. Definitely a fag in blue collar clothing.

So I got a little braver and stopped pretending I wasn't checking him out. Instead I'd give him the full once-over, and maintain eye contact. No straight man returns eye contact and smiles - especially on more than one occasion. I'd never go so far as to give him my number, or even strike up a conversation, but it's fun to flirt and fantasize about jumping into his pickup and giving him a blowjob before heading back to work.

Last week while I was sitting at a table he came in, only this time he had a friend. Looked like some young guy, an apprentice maybe, but definitely straight (and a little dirty). Mr. Lunchtime goes up to the counter, orders some food and starts chatting with the lady behind the counter. I hear him mention that he's going away to Montreal for about 10 days. The lady asks if he's going with family and he replies "No, we're going to pickup girls!"

I almost spit out all the food in my mouth. No straight man talks like that.

As I was staring at him in disbelief (his back was to me), I noticed that he was wearing a ring on his wedding finger. That was odd since I would have noticed that previously for sure. As he turned to go back to his table, he looked directly at me. I don't know if it was from my eyes burning into the back of his skull, or the look on my face as he turned around, but he smiled sheepishly like he'd just been caught doing something naughty. Yeah - lying about carpet munching is one thing, but lying about it poorly is another thing entirely.

I'm half tempted to ask him how his trip was and if he got any hot french pussy in Montreal the next time I see him.

The Cleaning Hunk

This actually airs on TV. He is so coming over to clean my new place.

www.cleaninghunk.com

Brokeback Bunnies

Brokeback Mountain redone in 30 seconds by bunnies.

http://www.starz.com/features/brokebackmountain/index.html

A little something until I have more time.

Who knew that preparing to renovate a basement, cut a door to the backyard from said basement, widen the parking pad out front, put in a new floor on the main level and buy all new appliances would end being so much work?? And we haven't even closed the house yet! I just keep seeing $$$$$$$$$$ flying out of my pockets. On the flipside we'll have nice, dark brown maple floors, stainless steel appliances, front loading washer/dryer, and a proper office and laundry room when we're done.

Enough about the house, here's the Rolling Stones singing the merits of Rice Krispies:

I'm officially poor.

Crazy weekend filled with ups and downs. Had the electrician in the house and things weren't as dire as they once seemed so we decided to take it. We now officially own the house. As much as I would like to be excited, I'm really just terrified. It's been my nature for the past 10 years to move every 12-18 months. I can't do that now. We'd have to stay for 3-4 years in order to make money if we sold (this is after all the renovations). The only way out is to break up, and for the first time in my life I don't see that as an option in the future. So I'm stuck. It's not a bad thing at all, but try telling that to my anxieties.

On another note, I went to SNAP! last night. I had submitted 2 photos for the silent auction. They both started at $25. Answerphone went for $35 and Temperamental had a bidding war between 2 guys and it ended up going for $250!! Sweet.

More later

Inspector Gadget

The house inspection yesterday uncovered a lot of electrical problems in the house. Lots of knob and tube (which makes insurance companies run the other way), live wires poking out of the ceiling in the basement, poorly run wires in the kitchen and other fun stuff.

The listing claimed upgraded electrical, but I don't think that replacing a light switch constitutes an upgrade. So we've asked for less money to cover the costs, or for them to do it themselves, which we will have inspected. Apparently they aren't happy because they claimed to have spent thousands of dollars last year on upgrading the wiring. If that's true they got ripped off. Our home inspector described the wiring as very "amateurish". Yikes.

Back to the bargaining table. We're prepared to pull out of the deal if they don't budge.

Update: We've hit a deadlock and moved the final date to Monday at 6:00. No agreement by then == no deal. What a pain in the ass.

House Pics

Thanks everyone for the congrats. Here are some photos:

Simon Cowell Likes Young Boys

But before I get to that -

WE FINALLY BOUGHT A HOUSE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!

It's a semi, 2 bedroom with parking out front and a kick ass backyard with a huge 2 level deck that screams PARTY, HOTTUB, and HOTTUB PARTY. Hopefully we can put one in this summer. The kitchen and bathroom are new with a heated floor in the bathroom to keep your tootsies warm in the winter. The basement is very high so we are going to finish it, put in another bathroom and put a door out to the backyard. The basement stairs are too narrow and there's no way to remove the ancient washer and dryer or put new ones in. And yes Dan, I'll be building a special little room just for you.

Best part - no bidding war and we got if for under asking.
Not so best part, but liveable - it's out on Victoria Park which is farther east than we were originally looking. If we were on the other side of the street we'd be in Scarborough (ewww). Thankfully we are pretty far south and only a 10 minute walk to the beach so that balances out nicely.

I'll post pictures later.

So after all that excitement I was pretty tired and didn't have any trouble falling asleep. Didn't have any problems dreaming either. I dreamt that I was one of the last 4 contestants on American Idol. I didn't want to do it anymore so I didn't practice any songs for that night's competition. Instead I came out on stage and sang along to La Gloria by Erasure and totally flamed out. Paula liked my performance but Randy and Simon didn't I got kicked off.

Later I was back in my room and relieved to no longer be on the show. Then I decided to pull out a blow up doll I had recently purchased and try having sex with it. It was beginning to feel really good when Simon suddenly walked in. I said "Well isn't this embarassing" and Simon left.

Later he calls me to his office and tells me that he wants me to design a logo for him. Then, next thing I know we're driving around L.A. at night. He's driving and I'm in the passenger seat with the goddamn blowup doll. We drive past these 13 or 14 year old boys standing outside an Arcade and Simon slows down to take a better look. I call him on it, saying "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you like them young. Pervert" He just looked at me, looked at the blow up doll and grinned, as if to say "You're one to talk". Then I woke up.

I didn't know that buying a house could cause severe brain damage.

Question

How do bald/balding men keep Yamaka's on their heads?

Glue?
Duct tape?
Double sided tape?
Suction cups? Pop!

Or does it defy the laws of physics and somehow cling on to the few whispy strands of hair and not move?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Flashback Fridays

I used to love Fat Chicks in Party Hats back in the day. So mean. So very very immature. So funny.

Hey! that beanbag is not wearing a hat. I will give it mine. haha.

"oh she trys so hard to be pretty but the head..... it is..... tooooo heavy....."

Hooker Pig says "GRAVY PLEASE!"

it is the happyest day for a pile of chili! it meets a fag!
"FLAAAGGGGROOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"i love you to chilli pile!!!!!

Mr. Slap Happy

The other night we decided to sit in Tim Horton's while waiting to be outbid on yet another house. The large tea that I had just consumed was starting to work it's way through my system so I headed for the bathroom. I walked in and did a quick check - no one at the urinals and someone in the stall. Fine, just enough privacy to have a quick pee in peace. Then the door opened. A man comes in, walks up to the urinal beside me, unzips and begins to piss.

Now, to the majority of people out there this would be a common occurance. For me, it's a problem. As I've mentioned before I'm pee-shy. Now I was stuck standing at a urinal, my bladder turned off and I couldn't pee. Great, I think to myself, now I look like a bathroom troll because no one else stands at a urinal not peeing unless they're looking for some bathroom lovin'.

So I'm standing there, these thoughts are running through my head, I'm trying desperately to will my bladder to relax (which is not working) and my fellow companion finishes up. I see some movement out of the corner of my eye and think nothing of it figuring that he's doing the shake. Suddenly there's a loud SLAP! I can't help but look over. The guy is slapping his (good-sized) dick down onto the palm of his hand. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Then he holds his hand above his penis, palm still up, and wacks his knuckles from below. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
Flush. Zip. Wash. Dry. Out the door.

I was stunned. The only other time I've seen a dick smacked like that, it was on someone's face. I left the bathroom, unsuccessful in my attempt relieve myself. As I was walking back to my table I saw Mr. Slap Happy sitting at a table with his wife and 2 kids and had to turn away. All I could picture was him clubbing her across the face with his slab of meat. It was a long time before I could pee after that.

Bunny Killers

I got kind of freaked out reading about Syphilis testing in Eye Weekly yesterday:

In the past, the test used to detect syphilis in humans required the growing of specimens in live rabbits. Specifically, the syphilis bacteria were injected into the testicles of male rabbits, where it grew and multiplied. When the bacteria were of sufficient number, the testes were surgically cut off and the animal was killed. The testes were then ground up and the syphilis specimens were extracted to produce the test used on humans.

That technology, in wide use for decades, is still being used by government laboratories in Ontario. However, there is now a technique developed by a Toronto company that does not require the use of animals.

OMG, how many bunnies has the gay community massacred over the years??? I hope they switch tests soon.

(And no I don't have Syphilis, have never had Syphilis and don't think I have it at the moment either. Although, come to think of it, there was that one time....)

Homeless

Just call me the Gypsy Woman

La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da

Yet another bid on a house, yet another loss. People are crazy and the housing market's just completely fucked. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that I was never prepared to pay the kind of money that the house actually went for. Still is shitty though. But in the immortal words of George Michael, singing the words of the Rolling Stones, at the end of his song Waiting for the Day, from the Best Of George Michael album:

"You can't always get what you want."

Lather, rinse, repeat

Tonight we're bidding on house number 3. It's bigger, has more rooms, backyard, parking and is more expensive than the last. I'm not holding my breath though.

This is getting annoying.

Jesus Christ the Musical

I know what you're all thinking but there's no nudity, sex or violence. Sheesh.



Thanks to Robocub for this one.

This is why I love my boyfriend/husband/life partner

I had to work on Sunday afternoon so Q decided to do the laundry. We had planned on doing it after I finished but he decided to surprise me instead.

The laundromat was busy when he arrived - which lessened his already wavering excitement at having to wash, dry and fold almost 2 weeks worth of clothes. He finally found an empty 4 load washer and promptly stuffed in all the clothes. It wasn't until he had started the machine that a big black woman came rushing over to him in a rage. Apparently she was "reserving" that particular washer. There were no clothes in, on or in front of it but Q was somehow supposed to magically know that it was reserved for this very special lady. His response - "What am I supposed to do, stop it?" At that point the woman went on a tirade accusing him of stealing that washer from her because she was black!! He told her that she was being rediculous didn't entertain her after that. She muttered something about him being a white-something-or-other and stormed off.

When the clothes were done there were only 3 driers available. Q walked up to the woman with clothes in hand, looked her straight in the eye and said "I'm taking all three driers because I'm white."

She kept her distance after that.

Nothing to see here, please move along

We didn't get the house on Friday. I'm surprisingly relieved. We were up against one other offer which came in at the very absolute last minute. In fact they pushed the presentations back a half hour just to accomodate. Consequently we went in with our very best offer and refused to pay any more. They came back to us and said that the other offer was a little stronger and were we willing to up ours a little more. We said no. If the other offer was that much better than they would have taken it in the first place. It was clear they were trying to play us up against each other. The other people eventually got the place.

I don't know how to describe it, but the whole thing seemed a little fishy. Who waits until the last minute to put a bid in on a house. Did they forget or something?

Honey did we have any plans tonight?

I don't think so. Why do you ask?

Well I keep feeling like I'm forgetting something.

OH MY GOD!! WE FORGOT TO BID ON THE HOUSE!!!!!

The feedback we got from the selling agent was suspect as well. In a way I'm glad we didn't get it.

Anyways, I think we're going to put in a bid on another house on Tuesday. It's bigger and has 2 car parking. Plus there's a room in the basement that's filled with KISS memorabilia. Tons of figurines, posters, framed album covers, ticket stubs etc, but I don't think it all comes with the house. However, attached to it is a small, sound proofed room with a drum set. I can think of many uses for a sound proofed room in the basement, and I wouldn't have to worry about ruining the floor!

Jinkies!!

The offer goes in on the house today and I'm getting nervous. Beginning to wonder if it's too small, but then I think of our plans to dig out and finish the basement and that makes me feel better. Then I wonder when that will actually happen? Are we going to have to downsize even more to fit into this place?? Q has huge bedroom furniture and I don't know where we will put it all. My bed suits the exact style of this place and I'd like to have it as the master instead. Consequently Q's furniture would have to go into storage (aka my sister's house) where my bed is now. Is that wrong? Should I feel guilty? He spent a lot of money on his set, but I spent a lot on my bed too. The frame alone is worth $3600, but I got it half off cuz it was a floor model. I don't pay full price for anything. But I digress, all those problems can be resolved - if we actually get the place.

I thought this morning that I would go to the gym to work off some of the stress. I got there, went into the change room and discovered that I'd left my shorts at home. Fuck. No workout today. So I came home and bought tickets to see BodyWorlds instead. This is the last weekend and tickets are almost all gone. Consequently they are running the show 24/7 starting tonight. I was only able to get tickets for Saturday night at 12:30 am, which is fitting I guess for seeing dead people.

Blargh.

2:28pm: Ugh. It's only 2:28pm. Haven't heard from my agent about any other offers, so that's good news so far. Can this day go by any slower????

Polish Movie Posters

Taken from Retrocrush:

"While most movie posters in the United States pretty much showcase the standard corporate style imagery to hawk the film, the fine folks in Poland have a brilliant dramatic license when marketing Hollywood's finest in their country, resulting in some of the most brilliantly surreal and amazing pieces of movie artwork ever created. Some of them are obvious, some seem to be crazy nonsequiters that have nothing to do with the original picture, while others seem to change the focus of the movie altogether. "

These are absolutely brilliant and wonderfully odd. Check out the poster for Weekend At Bernie's. How creepy is that? Does not look like a comedy. The one for Romancing the Stone is even weirder. They made it look like a Friday the 13th poster.

You can see more here, and if you want to see even more and buy them, go to polishposter.com.

Silly Polaks.

What the hell??

When I drive I always have my ipod plugged in and usually on random. The other morning, much to my surprise, a dance remix of Mr. Roboto came on followed by Corey Hart telling me why he likes to wear his Sunglasses at Night. I don't know how they got there or where they came from. I swear.

But I didn't skip past them. Instead I faithfully sang along to "Thank you very much-o Mister Roboto" and tried my best I'm-Canadian-but-I-really-want-to-be-Billy-Idol growl to "Don't switch the blade on the guy in shades oh no! Don't masquerade with the guy in shades oh no!"

I've decided to make those tracks part of the permanent collection.

Looks can be deceiving

Who knew that this



could look like this on the inside?






I'm completely in love. The floors are maple, the countertop is granite, the backsplash is glass but looks like tile, the appliances are stainless steel, the bathroom sink is fantastic and I love pot lights. There are 2 bedrooms, a partially finished basement with laundry, another bathroom and central air, plus a backyard.

The downside - it's small. Our main living space won't increase very much from our current apt. The bedrooms are small with only room for a bed and side tables - no dressers, but there are built in closets in each room. The basement needs to be dug down another foot and a half to make it full height since right now my head touches the ceiling. The backyard is very small with enough room for a BBQ, a table and some chairs. There also isn't any parking.

The upside - same living space as before but with a lot more storage. On site laundry. We only need one bedroom and can make the other an office and fill it with clothes. When we dig out the basement, we can move the office or second bedroom down there. Since the yard is so small, not a lot of maintenance is necessary which is good since we aren't home a lot. We can also BBQ again! Also, with the house being the size it is, our utilities won't be very high. Parking isn't a big issue since it's on a cul de sac, we shouldn't have a lot of problems finding a spot. Plus a lot of houses do have their own parking on the street. We will also see about adding a second story to the place in the future - if the city will let us.

The biggest and bestest reason of them all is if we get it at or around asking price, our monthly "rent" won't change. We could still maintain the same standard of living while having equity, and I could still continue to pay off my debts and save.

I wish it came with the flat panel tv too. The offer goes in on Friday.

Wish us luck!

Evil Dad

Some guy filmed his kid playing the scary maze game. Then he put it on the internet. Who in the hell (besides everyone reading this) would do such a traumatic, terrible thing to their own child?



Updated: For those of you who want to play the scary maze game, you can do so here.

Cold feet

Q and I were going to put an offer in on a house today. We met our agent at the house to take another look and sign the offer. As we looked around I got a bad feeling which steadily got worse and worse. The house was recently renovated, but poorly, and initially I was prepared to accept that, but as I looked around and added up all the little things that were wrong, it totalled the sum of one bad house. I hadn't noticed a couple of cracks in a couple of walls the last time - cracks in the brand new walls. The floors upstairs were brand new, but so uneven that the bottom of the closet door in the master bedroom had to be cut up on an angle. When closed it was over an inch above the floor, but when open it was only a few millimeters. One or two things like that I could deal with, but there were significant problems in every single room of the house, including the "finished" basement. The railing on the second floor wasn't properly attached, either and the banister - while stained - hadn't ever been sanded. I could go on and on.

Then there were the neighbours. On one side was a junky semi and the occupant had two large dogs which barked and growled at us as soon as we entered the backyard. On the other side, which is the other half of the semi, was a backyard full of huge mounds of dogshit I presumed were from yet another big noisy dog. No thank you.

Q was disappointed. The house is in the area that we would really like to be in, and we already go outbid on another house just up the street. He was willing to live with the problems and fix them as we went along but I just couldn't. It's one thing to live in an old house and deal with all the quirks, but in my mind it's entirely different to be in a newly renovated one and dealing with crap. My gut was screaming at me to walk away from this one, and I just couldn't ignore it.

Besides, we just got some new listings to check out on Wednesday and some of them may have potential. I'm not worried. I'll know the house when I see it.

28 Product Placements Later

Phil and I watched 28 Days Later last night. Not a bad film, but the relentless barrage of blatant product placements was very distracting. Within the first half hour there are a disproportionate number of cans of Pepsi being consumed, asked for, passed to someone, stepped on, tripped over or laying on the ground. Not to mention the Pepsi product vending machines in the backgrounds. the worst however was the box of Malteasers that was kicked along the floor and stopped right in front of the camera with the label clearly showing. In fact there was no other reason for that shot other than to place product.

I realize that film makers need all the money they can get, but that was just pathetic.

Which is worse?

OR

You decide.

Do You Take It? (NSFW)

Blockhead

This is me after spending the day setting up new imacs with built in iSight cameras and tediously downloading all the 100's of megabytes of updates. Photobooth is fun.

A case of Foot In Mouth Disease

Sometimes I can be bitchy. I know it's hard to believe, but it's true.

Sometimes when I'm stressed, I can get bitchy.

Sometimes when my blood sugar drops, I can get bitchy-er.

Sometimes when I'm stressed and my blood sugar drops, I get really really cunty but don't know it. Until this happens:

I have my own office at a client's and I'm there 2 days a week. This was one of those days.

(phone rings)Me: Hello?

Client: Hi it's Shelley. When are you going out to Ajax next? Can you fix Julie's wireless connection on her laptop when you're out there?

(This woman's laptop is not very good. A couple of weeks ago I spent 3 hours trying to get the wireless card working. That included installing Windows XP service pack 2, which works much better with wireless connections. , but didn't help much. It was an exercise in frustration. Not to mention the wireless card had to be in the slot in a certain way or it wouldn't work. You couldn't touch it at all or the connection would break.)

Me: Let me tell you something. Julie's laptop is a complete piece of shit and she'd be lucky if it worked for her 50% of the time.

Client: Oh my God! Why would you say that! Julie's right here in my office, you're on speakerphone!

At that point I had to back pedal and Shelley tried to smooth things over. After I hung up the phone I realized that I'd just had a stressed-out-low-blood-sugar diva moment. I quickly ran out, ate some food and came back.

Thankfully I ran into the 2 of them in the hallway. I apologized to Julie, but did reiterate that although her computer wasn't the best in the world, it wasn't a complete piece of shit (even if it actually was). They both laughed it off and took it in stride.

Sometimes a little warning about being on speakerphone would be very, very helpful. I also know better than to eat chocolate in the morning. It always throws my sugars way off kilter. But what else am I supposed to do when I get hershey's kisses first thing in the morning??? Not eat them??

Brokeback Grocery List

Got this in my inbox the other day:

Weekly Grocery List for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1962

WEEK ONE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK TWO
Beans
Ham
Coffee
Whiskey

WEEK THREE
Beans
Bacon
Coffee
Whiskey
K-Y

WEEK FOUR
Beans
Pancetta
Coffee (espresso grind)
Whiskey
2 tubes K-Y

WEEK FIVE
Fresh Fava beans
Jasmine rice
Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
Medallions of veal
Porcini mushrooms
1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
5-6 bottles good Chardonnay
1 large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
Yukon Gold potatoes
Heavy whipping cream
Asparagus (very thin)
Eggs
Lemons
Gruyere cheese (well aged)
Walnuts
Arugula
Butter
Olive oil
Balsamic vinegar
6 yards white silk organdy
6 yards pale ivory taffeta
Case of Chardonnay
Large tin Crisco

Looks can be decieving

Some things look better in pictures. The loft was nice, but nowhere near as nice as the picture made it seem. The tile in the kitchen was ugly too. And the "second bedroom" was a 6x8 storage room with pipes running about 1 inch above my head. It would make for a great walk in closet. However, if I was single it would have been the perfect place. Of course they're only accepting bids sometime next week which means another bidding war. It's not that nice. Plus I don't think that a loft is the right place for a couple. Sometimes no matter how much you love someone, it's nice to have your own space and privacy. How else could I look at porn while Q's sleeping and not wake him up?

Went and looked at other houses too but there wasn't anything special. Just have to wait I guess.

Crazy like Patrick Swayze

Wow. That was just nuts. 13 offers on one freaking house!!! 13!!!! The house was listed at $269000 and we decided to go in at $281000 subject to financing/inspection/termite inspection. Agents were going in one at a time and presenting their offer, and they weren't in there long. By the time our agent got in there, they weren't accepting anything under $300000 and were only taking firm offers with no conditions. He was in and out in less than 3 minutes.

No conditions??? Who buys a house without having a building inspector comb through it first?? Termites are also a huge problem in downtown Toronto. And as for financing, that's an issue because the CMHC and banks tend to appraise a house if less than %35 is put down. It's very possible that the bank could say that the house isn't worth what it was sold for, and refuse to give that much of a mortgage. The bank can decide this at any time before closing - even days.

We decided what we were willing to pay and stuck with it. I don't want to rip myself off and end up paying too much for a house that may have a ton of problems. Besides, being the Gemini that I am, I'm already totally over the house and am completely in love this loft. We'll be looking at it tomorrow.


We're a fickle bunch, us Geminis.

Homo sweet home

Q and I went house hunting on the weekend. We found a great place in the film district along Queen St East. We're putting a bid in tonight, but there's a bidding war so I'm not getting my hopes up. We've decided on the maximum that we're willing to pay and are sticking with it. I refuse to overpay, in fact we both do.

Wish us luck!

Why I hate technology sometimes.

Back in December I won $150 gift certificate for Yorkdale Mall at a work Christmas party. It was for winning the Dance Contest. Go ahead -insert joke here- I've heard them all already. Anyways, I wasn't sure what to spend it on until I was at the gym one day a few weeks ago. I was on a cardio machine when I moved my arm, caught the wire for the headphones and sent my ipod flying to the ground. Thankfully it was in it's rubberized, soft case. I'm a clutz and try to prepare for it. I decided right then and there to get an ipod shuffle - no finish to scratch, no display to crack, and no harddrive to break. It's also very light and I can throw it in my knapsack. So I got the 1GB Shuffle for $169 and love it. It was a great idea.

Today, only a few weeks later, Apple has announced the 1GB Nano -for $179. Now the 1GB Shuffle has dropped to $119. That's a $60 difference in only a few weeks! Just what kind of margin is on these things???? Arrgh!!!

I'm going to try complaining to see if I can get the difference back, since I love to complain and usually do it pretty well. I know they have some sort of price protection, but I'll have to check on when I bought it.

Bastards.

UPDATE: Apparently Apple has a 14 day price protection in place. Thankfully I qualify. No bitching necessary. Guess I'll have to put the claws away.

UPDATE #2: I got my $57.00 back! Woohoo!

Spazzy Day

I have a lot of work to do today. Too much in fact. That goes for yesterday too. I don't know how I'll get all my work done, but I guess the world will not come to a screeching halt if things don't go 100%

As such I decided to get a coffee this morning to give me the energy I need throughout the morning. I usually get a tall, 3/4 full Americano (2 shots espresso + water) from Starfucks. This morning they screwed up and filled the cup to the top with water (makes it too weak). So the guy simply poured it into a grande cup and added 2 more shots of espresso.

That equals 4 shots of espresso.

If any of you see someone in the next couple of hours bouncing off walls screaming I CAN FLY! I CAN FLY!! Don't worry, it's just me.

A Little bit of EVIL

Apparently Mr. Surly thinks I'm evil. He has absolutely no idea how evil I can be, but here's a sampler. If you totally, completely and utterly want to fuck somebody over, get them to click this link at work and make sure the speakers are on:

http://halflife2.zoy.org/?u=sam

But if you know what's good for you - YOU WON'T CLICK THE LINK!!!!

Seriously.

Don't.

Time gous by con loli

There are no words to describe.....

Week 3

It's been 3 weeks since I stopped smoking. Haven't cheated yet - but have wanted too. The worst part of the whole experience is the craving I get after eating a large, satisfying meal. Gum just doesn't cut it. I weighed myself at the gym yesterday and I hadn't gained any weight though - but hadn't lost any either.

Q is still smoking, but not in the apt and not in the car with me. I starting to become very sensitive to the smell of smoke now. I can definitely smell it on him after he has one. It's even getting to the point where it's actually starting to bother me. How I ever thought that I could smoke and not have anyone notice is beyond me. What a retard. Anyways, he's quitting in a few weeks. He just needs to get into a pattern at the gym so that he doesn't gain weight either.

Nothing too exciting happened on the weekend. We went to a course on how to use the new camera. Learned a lot which also help me figure out how to use my new macro flash. Went and saw Hoodwinked on Saturday night. It was cute, but could have used some more adult jokes like Shrek. Had some great sex, ate some good food.

Not a bad weekend at all.

Please pay attention

When you're running through the grocery store and you see szechuan sauce, don't just grab it and assume it's peanut szechuan sauce. Following that, please don't use it that evening as the main sauce for your stir fry. For that bottle you're holding isn't peanut, it's HOT. And instead of pouring 1/4 of the bottle on your food, the label recommends 1 teaspoon (or 1 tablespoon if you're feeling particularly brave). This will save you the tedious task of picking through a plate of hot lava looking for the shrimps because they're still edible since they were put in last and only have a hint of non-peanut-flavoured szechuan fire.

Back to life, back to reality

Yesterday I was feeling a little blah so I decided to go to yoga after work. The studio is just up the street from my apartment so I walked there, as per usual. On my way I passed a girl huddled in a sleeping bag, sitting in a storefront entrance. It was a cold night out, and she looked very cold.

After a great session, I was feeling all warm, calm and zen-like as I made my way back home. I passed this girl again and took a good look at her as I walked by. Her bright, blue eyes were wide open, full of sadness and fear and I could hear her shivering. She didn't look very old, possibly still in her teens - too young to be out on the street. The look in her eyes made me realize that for her, being out on the streets in the cold was better than the place she used to be. It made me sad. It pulled on my heart, bringing me back down to earth. I may have some issues I'm dealing with in my life, and some of them are not insignificant, but I still have a warm home and food in my stomach.

So when I got home, I decided to pack a lunch bag full of some things I had around the house - fruit, cookies, crackers and such - and was going to give this girl something to eat, buy her a coffee, and maybe get to know her story.

But when I returned she was gone.

I was kind of relieved.

Melancholy and the Infinite Blandness

Do you ever have one of those days when you stop, take a good look around you and think "Is this it? Is this what life is all about?" You see people working meaningless jobs, pushing meaningless pencils, typing meaningless memos, answering meaningless phones and having the most inane conversations about nothing. What's the point and how is that truly living?

It's times like this that I want to quit my job, hovel myself up in my apartment for a few weeks and just go crazy creating new pieces of art. It's only when I'm working on a piece that I really feel. These emotions get channeled through the camera lens, into a digital file and appear in front of me on a computer screen. But they're not done yet. They're obscured and muted due to the fact that a camera can only capture reality. It's only after peeling away the layers of normalcy that what I was truly feeling comes through.

If I had the space and money, I'd create huge loft-sized pieces to really get it all out. And I'd make sure they were seen by everyone. But I can't right now. So things stay confined. Not in me, but in a convenient array of 1's and 0's on a harddrive.

UPDATE
I guess what I was getting at in my rant is I'm bored with my day to day routine. I want to do something. I want to create something. And I want it to affect a lot of people's lives (in a good way)!!!!

Don't Forget To Vote!!!

If you don't vote, then you have no right to complain about the government.

I love to bitch, so therefore I must vote.

Make sense?

Illustrated Sex Facts Circa 1960

I'm particularly interested in the Pictoral Story of Woman's "SAFE" days. Click to enlarge.

 

From My Dukes of Hazzard Colouring Books

Where are their hands?


Please find the obvious


If Santa hasn't come yet he's sure to once Daisy gets home

Unhappy Day

Today is not a good day. Q has to take one of his cats to the vet to be put down. He and his ex rescued a little kitten 15 years ago and named him Spaz. They also managed to rescue 4 more strays within the next couple of years. Out of all his feline friends, Spaz was the only one to have never suffered any ailments. Then, just before Christmas, his kidneys started failing. They got him some medication which helped a little bit, but he never fully recovered, and there's no chance of that happening at all now. He's beginning to deteriorate even more.

So now Q is at his old house, spending time with the cats, and of course with Spaz in particular. He doesn't move much now, but still likes to sit on your legs and have his bum patted, and will let out little meows when you stop, until you start up again.

At 6:45pm, Spaz will take his very last breath and then go to sleep for the last time. I'm gonna miss you little guy. We all will.

Because I'm going to hell anyways.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?

A: The little boy in the trunk of my car.

You can thank b3ta for that one too.

How is the bible like a penis?

They're both shoved down your throat by a priest.

courtesy of b3ta

I'm Free!!!

That's right Captain Peacock. I can eat whatever I want cuz the diet is done. In fact I had a glazed chocolate doughnut as soon as I got to work this morning. I didn't really want it, but had been craving it for so long that I really just ate it out of principle. And I had Raisin Bran for breakfast, my first dose of wheat products in 10 days. It upset my stomach. The doughnut afterwards didn't help much either.

But still no smoking!! I think I'll continue to stay off the sugar, wheat, coffee and alcohol for little while longer. Or at least reduce it.

Went to Yoga last night and brought Q along with me. Poor guy, I wasn't sure he was going to make it all the way through. Ashtanga Yoga is not easy - especially your first time. It kills you. I'm not sure if he'll go back, but now he can't poke fun at me for going anymore because he knows.

You Never Knew #4

I've decided not to name any of my new pieces (other than numbering them), since they all deal with the frustrations of not being heard, not feeling important. To name them would be an act of acknowledgement, and that's what I felt was missing for so long in my life. I like them a lot. 

You Never Knew #3

That's right, I chopped off all her hair. Well, what hair there was anyways. Cheap dollar store barbies don't come with a full head of hair - just an elaborate comb-over.

It's been one week!!!

Since I last sucked a fag. Actually that's true on both accounts. I need to fix that.

The physical craving have pretty much subsided and now it's just the habit that I need to break. So I've been chewing a lot of gum, snacking on unsalted almonds and carrots, have gone back to the gym and started yoga again. My bathroom is also very clean. Idle hands are smoking hands!

Plus I can officially start eating real food again on Thursday. I may stay off of wheat for a while longer though. It's a great way to slim down and I'm finding that it can make me feel very bloated. If I start off by slimming down quickly, it will give me the motivation to keep going to the gym.

Speaking of which, Q and I went out to get some workout clothes on the weekend. Lucky for us, Winners had some sort of "athletic event sale" or something. I ended up buying almost $200 worth of pants, t-shirts and shorts - he bought a pair of track pants. It's hard to find clothing for yoga, and they had a lot of stuff for great prices. Plus I find new gym clothes can motivate me. I know that it's super duper faggy gay, but it makes me feel good to put on my new outfit and go workout. Plus I can mix and match! Is there anything more fabulous than that?

A True Rocky Horror

Dammit Janet - I will not go through this alone.
Safe for work. If watching fat hairy gay men pretend to be Susan Sarandon can be considered safe.

Stupid dog.

New Madonna Video

I actually recognized this. I've seen it before but with the original song - which I find terribly frightening. Of course it's going to bug the hell out of me trying to remember what it is.

(Not So) Silent Night

A few months ago some new neighbours moved in across the hall. They are a young couple (guy and girl) who like to have the odd party on a Saturday night, but are really no trouble at all. At least they weren't a lot of trouble before their love life started falling apart.

Now we get to listen to them fight and yell at each other every few weeks. And it's really stupid too. Yelling things like "I thought you loved me!!" and "Why don't you listen to me??!!" and "You're such a fucking asshole." I've never heard them have an argument about anything with substance.

Then last night at around 11:30 they started again. Only this time it was worse. Their fight spilled out into the hallway where they were yelling and screaming at each other. Then she locked him out of the apartment and he sat at the door whimpering "now you've locked me out of my own apartment, how could you do that?" whimper whimper sob sob. Then she opened the door and the screaming began all over again.

At one point this guy was really starting to lose control. He just began screaming and groaning over and over again (and not in a sexual way) and it sounded like he was revving up to cause some serious damage to someone. Of course then he started the dramatics again with the scream-as-loud-as-you-possibly-can "Your killing me!!! you're killing me!!! I thought you loved me, but you're killing me!!!".

What a fucking drama queen.

What started to concern me most was the level of escalating hysteria I was hearing. I'm all too familiar with that thanks to The Walrus and Psycho. This man was approaching Psycho levels and that was making me very uncomfortable. That's a place that I never want to go back to again, and this was starting to bring it all back. After about an hour of this we were so pissed off that Q finally called the police. Four of them showed up very quickly (we watched them come in on the lobby channel). Then we heard the knock on Mr & Mrs Drama Queen's door.

Silence.

They knocked again with a forceful (and kinda sexy) "Open the door!!"

Silence again.

The third time was met with a "This is the police, open the door!" That got their attention.

After 10 minutes or so, the police left and we didn't hear another peep for the rest of the night. I'm hoping they got the hint.

Some people may read this and think "oh that poor girl", but I really have no sympathy. We don't get to hear much of her side of the arguments because she doesn't scream as much, but I get the feeling that she isn't Miss Innocent either. Besides, having been in those situations in the past myself, I just don't have the patience anymore. Either break up, seek counseling, or just shut the fuck up and save us all the trouble.

This is why I loved the Amityville Horror movie

Beat me with that stick daddy!! Ooo I've been a bad boy!!!

Now punish me goddamnit!!!!!

2 things I want

A Tim Horton's glazed chocolate doughnut and a cigarette.

I think I want the doughnut more.

Ya ya I know. Not exciting. 8 more days.

It's the end of the day

And I want that End Of The Day Cigarette.


sigh.

Day One - Again

I decided to quit smoking today. It was around this time last year that I did the same thing. I lasted 3 or 4 months and then we went to Vegas. You just can't gamble and drink and not smoke in Vegas. It doesn't work. In fact I think they kick you out if you're caught.

I'm also doing an intense cleansing diet for 10 days to help ward off the nicotine cravings. No caffeine, sugar, wheat, alcohol, dairy and anything else that makes life worth living. You can't concentrate on a cigarette craving when your body is screaming bloody murder for other substances too. My body's already in shock and it's only 9:11am.

God help the poor soul who has the misfortune of pissing me off within the next 10 days.

You'd better play with me right now or else!

I came across this vintage doll while scouring ebay. Her name is Tressy. I wonder if she comes with a whip and a ruler to whack your knuckles with. What an absolutely bitchy looking doll. Who would want to play with that? I can just imagine it now:

Little girl: Oh Tressy, you are so beautiful.

Tressy: Shut up and fix my hair. There's a few strands out of place. And pull it back tighter!

Little girl: There, is that better?

Tressy: Now fix my dress. It's crooked and the buttons aren't done up correctly. Am I going to have to make you do times tables little girl, or are you going to pay attention? And who said you could call me by my first name?

Little girl: Yes Miss. Whatever you say Miss. Your buttons are fixed Miss.

Tressy: And look at you!! You're filthy. Go wash up before touching me again. You filthy little pig.

Little Girl: Yes Miss.

I've got you babe

Well Cher is officially mine. I just paid $18.00 for a Cher doll that looks like a man in drag.

If anyone can think of anything gayer, please oh please let me know.

Thanks.

Joke of the Day

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of
the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to
her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know
what,you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly".

Let's make a deal

When it comes time for a new project, I tend to scour eBay for 12" dolls that spark my interest. Given the subject of my new work, this Cher doll caught my eye. It started at $0.99 and I bid up to $4.00. It's now up to $4.25 US. Who in the hell could possibly be interested in this as well? Probably another fag.

The auction ends at 5:00pm tomorrow. I'm not sure yet how much I'm willing to pay. But I kinda want it.

Upcoming

These are drafts (or possibly final photos) for my next show. I've decided to call it "You Never Knew." The whole theme of the show will revolve around feelings of being stifled, unheard, and ignored. Something I'm all too familiar with. Imagine a whole room filled with large images like these. I'm thinking really creepy, and hope it turns out that way too.

I just love this new camera. I still can't believe the detail and clarity of the original images.

She left her boyfriend for Mr. T

That's T - as in Tits.


Yes, I was bored and playing with the new camera.

Is thing on?

Q bought a new Digital SLR camera and it's absolutely fantastic. I bought a macro lens for it and it's allowed me to do so much more with my photos. I've already got my next set of pictures planned out.

Happy New Year everyone!! 

You hoo! Mr Fireman! I'm over here! Put me out with your hose!

Q got a cast iron grill pan for his birthday a while back. We hadn't had a chance to use it yet so we decided to try it last night. Q had bought some huge pork chops (over an inch thick) just before Christmas so we figured they'd be a good choice. "Get the pan nice and hot" he says. "Cast iron needs a lot of heat" he says. So that's what I do. Turn the burner on and leave it for a few minutes.

When everything is good and ready, he takes them out of the marinade and sets them on the grill. That's when things started going downhill. They started smoking - a lot. We live in an apartment so there's no hood over the stove, the smoke just goes everywhere. I run around the place opening all the windows and balcony door in an effort to stop the inevitable, but it was of no use. The smoke alarm went off.

Now, just to give you a little background, we have 2 different smoke alarms in our place. One belongs to the building, and one is attached to our security system. It was the security one that went off. Q reached up and took it off the ceiling and I proceeded to remove the batteries. Then I turned off the alarm. A few minutes later the phone rings, "Hi this is Chubb security, I see here that your fire alarm has gone off." I explain to him that we were cooking food and it sort of got out of hand, but everything is under control. Then he says "Ok, so should I call the fire department and tell them that it's a false alarm??"

"The fire department?" I look at Q.

"They're on their way now. Should I tell them it's a false alarm?"

"WHAT!!!!!! They're coming now?" Oh shit, "uh ya, please tell them it's a false alarm." Nice to know they're promtp. At this point Q is heading out the door to meet them out front. At first I thought is was so nice of him to do that, then I realized it was just an excuse to go down and see if there are any hot firemen. Bastard!

Anyways he met the super and a fireman downstairs and straightened everything out. Turns out the fire department was led to believe it was a panel alarm (not a private one) and consequently had dispatched 4 trucks in total. oops. Only one made it initially so thankfully it prevented other firemen from wasting their time.

In the end everything worked out and we ended up with some very delicious chopped pig for dinner. I think we'll just put the pan away until we have a house with a properly ventilated stove. Until then, George Foreman it is.

If Benny Hill made The Passion of the Christ

It would have been like this.

Would you like some gay with that?

The other day Q and I decided to stop in the local flower shop to get some, well, flowers for the house. Actually, it was his idea.

"What kind of flowers were you thinking of?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replies "you're the artsy gay one who bought those vases in the first place."

"Really?" I shot back, "Well I wasn't the one talking the whole way down here about the fabulous fruit platters I used to make when throwing a party. All I remember thinking while you were talking was, that is the gayest thing I've ever heard. Fag."

"Whatever" was all he could come back with.

So I point to a bunch. "What about these?" I ask.

"Oh, you mean (insert name of flower here). Those are nice."

I begin to chuckle and select another bunch. "Do you like these ones?"

"Yeah, those (insert name of flower here) are nice too."

At that point I break out laughing at the man who was calling me gay, yet rhyming off the names of all the flowers in the shop. At that point the irony hits him.

"Hey! I can't help it! I used to work in my uncle's flower shop as a kid."

"Ya, right. How about we get some of these?"

"Those (insert name of flower here) are - goddamnit! Just grab them and let's go!"


I win.

Wow! You're 8!

Happy Birthday to Snooze.
Happy Birthday to Snooze.
Try not to drink too much boo-ooze.
Happy Birthday to Snooze!

So far so good.

Ok, so my holidays haven't been as bad as I was dreading. Had a nice time yesterday with my side of the family. Kids were pretty well behaved, and I just steered clear of most of them anyways, except the ones I liked. It was so cute, my grandmother knitted me a pair of slippers. I haven't had those since I was a kid. She even gave me a second pair for Q.

I was horsing around with my cousin after dinner. She was wearing a full length skirt which had a slit in the bottom that I kept sticking my foot in just to piss her off. She turned around and said "Get out of my skirt!" and then proceed to say in front of my father "Bet you don't hear that too often huh?" I was thinking it, she said it. My poor dad. He probably just pretended that he hadn't heard a thing. My parents have never treated me different since coming out, and they absolutely love Q, but it's just one of those things that is never discussed. I thought it was hilarious.

After dinner we went back to my sister's and did our gift exchange since I wasn't coming back down again today. I totally spoiled my niece Jessica. One of the things I got her was a whole bunch of plastic food (for the kitchen set she would be getting later) and a toy microwave. She just loved it. She played with it all night. Putting food in, pushing the buttons, watching the food turn for a few seconds and then beeping when it was done. So cute cute cute.

I did have an odd moment though when it seemed like things came full circle. When I was a kid I used to secretly love playing with Barbies. I'd play with my sister's when i could, and also whenever I played with my cousin. So last night Jessica opened a gift (not from me) and it was the Mary Kate and Oshley Olsen dolls. She then proceeded to sit on the couch with me and wanted me to help her dress and undress the dolls. Oh, so now it's ok for me to play with dolls, but it wasn't back then. One thing about those goddamn dolls though is that the clothes are skin tight. It was very hard for me to get the pants on and off - insert jokes here -, I can't imagine how a 3 year old could do it. What a gay uncle.

And yes, my mother loved the Kitchen Aid mixer I picked out for her and my dad loved the chainsaw that my sister and husband picked out for him. It's a gay stereotype Christmas!

Delerious

I just realized that I was wrapping presents while whistling along to The Hustle.

God help me.

Vindication

Back in July I bitched about staff at Tim Horton's getting my drink mixed up. I usually get the green tea, which is in a green box, but unfortunatley the peppermint tea also comes in similar green packaging. Consequently every once in a while an employee won't be paying attention and will give me the wrong one. I drink tea in place of coffee, so I'm less than thrilled in the mornings when I don't get what I want (need).

So I took it upon myself to bitch, as I love to do. I emailed their customer service and complained over the phone that they should make the packaging more distinct.

So imagine my surprise and satisfaction last week when I watched the person (as I always do now) reach for my tea, and saw them take it out of a brand new, clearly labelled box. I've since seen it in many different Tim Hortons across the city and it's the only one that's changed.

See? Bitching does work. And yes, I take 100% credit.

'Tis the Season

Merry Fucking Christmas Everyone. Can't wait till it's over.

I feel it can best be summed up with a saying I saw on a t-shirt this morning:

Jesus is the reason for the season!!


Let me rephrase that - a t-shirt I saw someone wearing.

I Think I Have a Problem

On Friday afternoon we had our Christmas lunch followed by a number of hours spent drinking martinis at The Four Seasons Hotel. Needless to say, after 6 martinis or something (not including the drinks at lunch) I was pretty hammered by the time I got home. As the night wore on I began to feel sicker and sicker due to the fact that I had mixed alcohol by having a couple of obligatory glasses of wine with my food. Everyone knows that mixing alcohol is bad bad bad. So at the end of the night I layed in bed, moaning and groaning and not knowing if I was going to throw up or not until I eventually passed out.

Saturday morning I woke at 8:00am only to find myself feeling refreshed, renewed and like I had got the best sleep in my life. I even got up and into the shower before Q got out of bed. That just never happens. It's always Q getting up, showering, then dragging my sorry ass out of bed, down the hall, and throwing me into the shower. That morning he was looking at me like I'd been possessed or replaced by a clone in the middle of the night.

Like I said, it had been weeks since I'd woken up feeling that fantastic and ready to take on the day. In fact the last time was after my last Christmas party where I indulged in countless martinis all night long. The next morning - boom - awake, happy, and ready to go. Same thing again a few weeks before that. No hangover - just the opposite. Also, the only other time that happens is after I go for acupunture.

Great, I thought, all I need to do is drink copious amounts of vodka until I pass out every night and stick myself with needles and I'll the most productive person ever!! However, after stockpiling the spare room with cases of Belvedere and going out to the free needle clinics pretending to be a junkie with a really, really, bad habit, it dawned on me that maybe something else was going on.

A collegue of mine suffers from sleep apnea (where you stop breathing multiple times throughout the night). In a drunken conversation on Friday, I discovered that I have many of the same symptoms - excessive snoring (I could wake the dead), night sweats, memory loss (some days it's really bad), a general feeling of lethargy all the time, low energy and never feeling rested in the morning even after a full night's sleep.

The only time I don't have these symptoms is after I get acupuncture for the night sweats, or after heavy drinking. My theory is both of these things somehow trigger my body into not relaxing the soft palette at the back of my mouth, and consequently not obstructing my breathing. It's a long shot, but it's the only thing I can think of.

Regardless, I'm going to make an appointment to get it checked out. Looks like I'll have to sleep overnight in a clinic so they can observe my patterns. I wonder if they'll let me bring porn in if I get bored? Or perhaps a conjugal visit by Q? It would be kind of hot with the cameras and people watching and all.

Was that politically incorrect?

Last night there was a knock on the door. I answered it to find a Friend of Jack Layton's wondering if I would be giving my support for the election. I figured what the hell. The Liberals are corrupt, the Tories want to take away my right to get married, and the NDP have been very vocal about protecting gay rights. Plus he's the MP for my riding anyways and looks to be doing a good job as far as I can tell.

Anyways, after checking off the little box on his piece of paper, he looks down at the name under mine and says "And what about Moustaff?"

WHO!!!!????

Umm, Moustaff ACHkbelchisblaghhck. (or whatever the hell his last name is)

"Oh," I replied, "You mean the terrorist that I'm hiding in the closet. He's not home right now."

At that point Jack's friend got the hint, snickered a little bit, and went on his way. I closed the door, turned around and found Q with a look of utter shock on his face.

Oops - Inside voice. Got to remember to use the inside voice.

Barbie's disabled friend

I was going through some old files from my old computer yesterday (aka: Jackpot! I haven't seen this porn in ages!) and I came across the Wheelchair Rebecca video. I used to love watching that. You get to learn how Barbie's special friend ended up in her wheelchair.

Again, I wouldn't advise it at work unless you can close the office door, and turn the volume down real low.

Pointing out the obvious

This is a book cover for some publication belonging to those junior girl guides otherwise known as Brownies.

What they don't tell you is the shirt the girl in the front is wearing says "Whities."

The Chinese book for Yellowies comes out next month.

Mahna mahna ..... de doo de do do

Here is the original muppet video in all its glory. I seem to remember Dan being obsessed with this a while back.

Sticks in your head slightly longer than Barbie Girl or anything by Ace of Base.

Dear Santa Pt 2

They actually sell these at Amazon!!

I'm adding it to my wish list right away, seeing as my old one wore out. I wonder if it connects to an ipod too?

I'm not dead yet!

Yeah I know I haven't been updating for a while. Been busy. In the meantime here's a blog written by some guy who fantasizes about his own suicide and puts up nude pictures of himself feinging death. Something tells me he finds it very, umm, "exciting".

I wonder who takes the pictures?

Definitely NSFW.

Moving on up

Q and I went looking at condos on the weekend. Just for fun. We aren't looking at moving yet, but I doubt I'll be in the same apt this time next year. I have a habit of moving every 18 months or so. Just call me the Gypsy Queen.

We looked at a new building that's going up in Yorkville. They only had a few very expensive units left, one of which was a 4000 sq ft Penthouse on the top floor. It was selling for a measly $2,000,000. The agent then proceeded to tell us that the taxes were $21,000 per year, and the maintenance fees were $0.40 per foot. All totaled, if you had the money for the place and paid for it up front with no mortgage, it would still cost you over $40,000 per year + hydro, cable, phone, internet to carry the place.

I still don't understand why it hasn't sold.

I think I've been spammed

Last week I posted this quote from Margaret Cho about George Bush :

I just think he's just fucked. He's so fucked. I want to send him some poppers and Crisco.

Much to my surprise, I got the following comment:

Cool blog! I was just reading about your mention of poppers. I'm a huge poppers fan!

Thought you and your readers would be interested in some fantastic poppers information. Anyone who uses poppers should check these out:

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Hope all this is helpful and of interest.

Keep up the good work!
Stephen Caliph

I was a little taken aback and so I visited Stephen's "website." For one minute, just one split second, I thought it was real and some guy had devoted a whole blog to poppers and their history!! It was hilarious. In fact it's still worth checking out just for a laugh. Just go to http://stone2005 dot typepad dot com. It's a must read with lines like:

"Have you ever wondered where the good old poppers from the ‘70s went? The ones that never gave you a headache, stayed fresher longer, and packed far more punch?"

Why in fact I was just asking myself that the other day.

You can read the original comment with all the links here. It's so outrageous that I just can't bring myself to delete it. Of course now I will probably get deluged with spam for poppers.

While I'm on the subject, I remember the time Psycho and I were at my parent's and my mother was making some appetizers before dinner. She goes downstairs to get something out of the freezer and returns with a box with the word "Poppers" written across in big red letters. We almost fell over in laughter. Of course they were jalepeno poppers, but just the sheer obliviousness as to what she was holding was too much.

Now I understand that poppers have their place in the world. I mean, how else are you going to shove that pylon up your ass? I've tried it a few times, but the residual headache isn't worth the 30 second high acheived. I don't understand why they are so much fun on the dance floor either. There's nothing worse than trying to enjoy yourself while this cloud hangs above the crowd from the idiot passing a rag around to his friends. It might as well be glue.

However, the one thing that I will untimately never understand happened to me a few years ago. I was at the first Folsom Fair North party in Toronto. It was held in a parking lot and had a few booths, food, beer garden, dance area, and of course porta-potties. I was waiting in line for one of said potties, when I see the guy ahead of me take a huge huff from a small bottle. Then he turns to me and says "Want some poppers?" I politely declined. Seriously, how can sniffing amyl nitrates while waiting in line for the bathroom be fun? How is that even remotely enjoyable?? Maybe it's to cut back on the smell, or maybe he had a dirty public toilet fetish. I don't know. All I know is that he went in by himself and came out by himself so he was left to his own devices the entire time. For all I know he was unbelievably constipated and had to loosen his ass so he could reach in and scoop out his shit by hand. It only makes sense.

Open for business

I just opened my new store at www.cafepress.com/normlr.

This is just my first try. I'll be going through a lot of revisions in the next few weeks/months.

Buy a mousepad!

Update:

Buy a t-shirt!!