My New Furniture Was Delivered Today

I bought this on ebay the other day. It's a barbie-sized living room set and it's for the new animated movie I'm about to embark on. Don't expect anything any time soon. These things take FOREVER. I'm thinking at least a couple of months before it's finalized.

On the art front, thanks to Stephen I remembered to submit my application to the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition. I always mean to and always forget and if it wasn't for a friendly reminder, I'd have forgotten again. It's going to cost a lot of money and be a lot of work to put on. It had better be worth it - or you're dead Stephen.

Attack of the Goat People

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog regularly is well aware of my complete disdain for the monopoly that is Bell Canada. After my latest call to them, I've decided that I could get the same amount of help from them if their phones were manned by goats.

Let me relate my recent conversation to prove my point. My part of the conversation is in bold, followed by the support agent's response, followed by a goat translation in parentheses:

Ring.. Ring..

Thank you for calling Bell Canada. My name is mpfrgghrp how can I help you? (Baaaa-a-a-a.)

Hi there. I'm trying to set up a new internet service but wasn't supplied with a username or password.

Ok, what's the B1 number for the account? (Baaa.)

I don't know, I wasn't given anything - just the modem.

Well if you could give me the B1 number then I could look up your account. (Baaa baaa ba)

Like I said, I wasn't supplied with any information. I don't have the B1 number, I don't have the username or password. That's why I'm calling you.

So you don't have one? (Baa.)

No.

And you need a username and password? (Ba).

Yes.

Oh, well you've reached tech support. You have to talk to the billing department for that information. Let me transfer you. (Baaaaa baaaa ba ba ba baaaaaaaa)

????????

As you can see, if you read the english or goat translation, you get the same end result. It's like reading a choose your own adventure book where every choice leads to your death.

I rest my case.

I'm a superstar

Today I tried out for my very first TV commercial. Buckley's had a booth at Yonge and Bloor where you could sign up and be filmed tasting their medicine. For those of you not in the know, Buckley's makes a cough and cold medicine that's tastes truly horrid. However, they have a brilliant marketing scheme and use that fact to their advantage. Their slogan is "It tastes Awful. And it works."

Currently they are going around the nation filming people making funny faces for their commercials and posting the vids on the web. People then vote for the one they like the best and the winner gets a 5 year supply of Buckley's. Yay!! Of course when you enter, you allow them to use your name and picture and sign away any hopes of financial compensation. Brilliant marketing for such little money. Oh well. I always wanted to be on TV.

So when the video is up, I'll post the link. Please vote for me. There's nothing I want more in this world than a lifetime of cough medicine.

CSI: WTF?

Last night we were relaxing in front of the TV after dinner, red wine in hand, and generally enjoying some downtime. We decided to watch CSI: NY. In one of the storylines a guy was murdered (surprise). He lived with his sister who also happened to be the only witness and described the attacker as being a woman fitting her own description. It was later revealed that they had both been in a car accident a number of months ago and she had moved in with him while recuperating. I immediately guessed that she suffered some brain trauma and as a result killed him, thinking that someone else was the murderer. Wouldn't you know it, at the end of the show they were interrogating her and she looked into a mirror and started screaming "that's the woman who killed my brother!!" How original.

However, in true CSI fashion, they discovered clues in the most fantastical ways. While sorting through hundreds of shards of broken glass, an investigator came across a teensy, tiny, pie shaped piece of material. It was at most half an inch long and a quarter inch wide at the edge. Using a hunch he took a blank CD and chipped out a piece the same size. He then stuck the evidence in that spot (which fit perfectly on the first try), taped it together, stuck it in a CD player and hit play. Magically a sample of the song came out of the speakers and using even more super duper audio analysis, he was able to pinpoint the song and album. I freaked.

Technologically speaking, this is impossible. A burned CD has an area on it with the table of contents as to where all the information is stored. Without that, the player wouldn't know that the data was there, let alone be able to decode it. Not to mention that the data for a song is not written sequentially, like on a record. Having a leprechaun being fucked by a unicorn jumping out of the speakers would have been equally as plausible (and preferable) when he hit the play button. I can only suspend disbelief for so long.

At 9:00 our phone rang. It was a telemarketer. They've been calling a lot in the past few weeks. I'd finally had enough. I picked up the phone and the poor bastard was only able to spit out a few words before I hit the roof.

Hello?

Hi sir, I'm calling from Rogers Telecom and -

Do you know what time it is? It's 9:00 in the evening! What the hell are you doing calling my house at 9:00 at night?

Well sir, these are the working hours and -

Well those aren't my working hours! I work from 9 to 5 and when I come home I want to relax and the last thing I want to do is be interrupted in the evenings by telemarketers. And it's valentine's day!! What the hell are you doing calling in the evening on Valentine's Day? I don't care what you're selling, whatever it is I'm not interested!

Poor bastard didn't know what hit him. Afterwards I felt a little bad. The guy was just doing his job, and it's a shitty job on top of that. But still, 9:00? Isn't that a bit late?

GOD wants you to listen to shitty music

Lovegodsway.org has some interesting theories regarding fags and how much God hates them (even though man was made in god's image in which case he must like it up the ass at least 10% of the time). They have a fantastic rehabilitation program called C.H.O.P.S. - Changing Homosessuals into Ordinary People. No, I don't have a clue what the S stands for either. The creator, Donnie Davies, knows all about the road of being gay and transforming into a beautiful heterosexual butterfly. He's been there. He's even, get ready for this, "been called a faggot." Wow. That's awful. I feel so sorry for him. That's almost as bad as being chased by a bunch of rednecks and having the shit pounded out of you.

There is also a list of Gay Bands that you should never ever listen to, including such staples as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Scissor Sisters, Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, The Village People and Boy George, just to name a few. Other no-no's include Ghostface Killah, Twisted Sister, The Doors, Metallica (because they touch tongues), Barry Manilo, Frank Sinatra, Clay Aiken (who should be on everyone's No Listen List) and Elton John who, according to the website, is "very gay". It goes on and on.

On the other hand it is officially OK to listen to a whopping 17 Bands (I love how they refer to everyone as "Bands"). Straight people can listen to Cindy Lauper (because she has absolutely no gay ties at all. Nope. None whatsoever), P.O.D, Evanescence, and 14 other "Bands" I've never heard of before.

Makes me that much happier to be gay. If I were straight I'd throw my iPod and stereo out the window. No wonder us homosexuals have such a hard time. All the straight boys are jealous that we get to listen - no - enjoy listening to music.

Have to give them props though, I do like the logo.

Oh, and one more thing. There's a link to Donnie's personal website. It's not exactly what I'd call butch.

HNT

Once upon a time I was in a resort in Panama. It was right around this time of year. God I'd kill for that pool right now.


Happy HNT!

Pointing out the obivious

Tornwordo's post today reminded me of the immensely unenjoyable time I spent in Winnipeg as a teenager.

The year was 1992 and I was 16. Canada was celebrating 125 years of being a whiny, yet progressive country, and as a special treat they were offering an exchange program free of charge. Anyone 16 and over who wanted to see another part of the country could sign up, though you couldn't choose where to go. It turned out that our school got paired with Winnipeg. Yay.

We had to host first, so at some point in the spring a group of students came over to stay for a week. The people in charge of the program at school organized lots of group outings and trips to keep everyone occupied. It was ok. Though I'm just realizing now that I have no idea what the person's name was who stayed with me, or even what he looked like.

A few weeks later it was our turn to go. Upon arriving we discovered, to our dismay, that we wouldn't be staying with the people who came to visit us - or even seeing them. In fact none of us were to be staying in Winnipeg at all. We ended up being dispersed across the countryside in different backwoods towns. I think I was somewhere outside of Rosenort.

Rosenort.

I ended up staying with a Mennonite family. They were very nice, very hospitable and very innocent. The daughter was all excited because she was going to Bible college the next year. The son, who was my age, was kind of geeky. He didn't have much in the way of social skills, his face was all pimply and looked like it had been run over by a tractor - more than once. But being a hard working farm boy (as opposed to the get-me-the-hell-out-of-here kind of farm boy that I was) he had a killer bod. I thought about putting a potato sack over his head and taking him out back behind the barn once or twice, but figured that might not go over so well.

They had barely scheduled any group activities and we had to complain a lot so that someone would make arrangements so we could see each other. The isolation was awful. We did end up going to a "social" at the local church hall one night. It was their version of a school dance except you could drink - and drink I did. The legal age out there is 18, and somehow I looked it and consequently got the drinking wristband. We also went on some river cruise. I drank a lot there too. We all did.

However I did have a point to this story. We had a few chaperone's accompany us on the trip, one of whom was the female gym teacher - a classic, stereotypical lesbian. I ended up getting into a car with her and a couple of other students when leaving the airport. Ms. Gym Teacher was sitting in the front passenger seat and our driver was telling us about Winnipeg and all the flooding problems they have and all the ways they try to combat it. She was pointing out some landmarks and things and nonchalantly motioned to the right and said "and there's the dyke."
I swear my tongue was bleeding and I almost peed my pants.

And that was my most memorable moment in the utterly forgettable city of Winnipeg.

I like big guns

I decided this after watching Future Weapons today. I'd like to get my hands on Mack's gun.

Since I'm going to hell anyways.....

Yesterday I was on a road trip to visit a client up in Collingwood. I stopped at a service center on the 400, around King City. It's a small, redneck kind of place. I went into the washroom and actually laughed out loud when I read what had been scrawled onto the toilet paper dispenser:

Turbin repair kit

I know I shouldn't laugh at these kinds of things, but it was funny. Not to mention it was obviously written by someone with a high intelekt. Reminded me of the time I saw a Nazi symbol etched into a stall with the slogan "white supreacy rules." I'm pretty sure there's an M in there somewhere.

IT'S ALIVE!!!

It's finally finished!!!!! I've uploaded my new site for all to behold.

I'm excited because it's the first site I've designed and created from scratch - no templates and no wizards. I even included the bullshit "Statement" that galleries love to see for some reason.

Take a look and let me know what you think - unless you're my evil twin and you have a better website but it's not on a computer and needs to be scanned in or something. I'll probably tweak it as the days go on, but I'm happy so far.

www.jbarrie.com

Almost Famous

I've decided that I want to be famous. Actually I shouldn't act like I just decided this, it's something that I've wanted ever since I was a child. Initially I thought that I'd accomplish this through acting and/or modeling, but after having just the teeniest, tiniest taste of the industry, I realized that I wasn't prepared for, nor did I want to take part in it. Instead I concentrated on getting my University degree and getting a steady paying job. Now I'm 30, I've got a job that pays well and it's one that I enjoy. I don't have any complaints really. It suits me perfectly. But I've gone as far in the computer field as I want to go.

I'm getting the feeling that in the next couple of years I'm going to need a change. Not just a new job, but a whole new career. After getting my degree, I was adamant that I'd never go back to school again (so young, so foolish). Now I'm considering going to Ryerson for photography and design, and leaning towards commercial product photography. This is where the famous part comes in. I going to be a famous designer or photographer. I want people clamoring for my designs and to be featured in magazines. I want the opportunity to say "No Madonna, I can't design your next album cover. I'm simply too busy. Maybe next time. AND STOP CALLING ME!!!"

My creative juices are flowing at an all time high. I'm having trouble sleeping at night because I keep thinking of ideas. I've been working furiously on my new website, which is hopefully going live tomorrow. I have a stack of photos in my head that need to be made, and the desire to put together a show. Poor Q barely sees me these days.

It all sounds ridiculous, but it's driving me in a way that I've never felt before to create and keep creating . Hell, I even bought a Mac.

Change is good.

Farm Sluts

Don't get too excited - it's not porn.

However it's a very funny short film about a guy who gets fired for inadvertently going to a porn site at work. Watch it when you have about 20min or so.

http://content.foxsearchlight.com/searchlab/node/598

Windows 386

I came across this ancient promo video for Microsoft Windows 386. Not Windows 3.1, but 386 - circa 1987. It's a 12 minute video, but worth it when you get to the 7 minute mark.

It really doesn't get any more 80's than this. I'm going to have nightmares. Brace yourself.

I Get Excited You Get Excited Too

(obscure Pet Shop Boys reference)

I'm excited. I've spent the last number of evenings recreating my website from scratch. It's almost done and I'm very, very happy with it. Hoping to have it finished this weekend.

Just had to share....

I'm old

I used to think that back problems were only for old people. Well, by my own definition I'm now officially old. After walking hunched over for days and being referred to as Grandma (and secretly wishing I had a walker a few times) I finally went to see a Chiropractor. After some painful prodding (and not the good kind) and X-rays, it was determined that I have a disc bulge. I don't mind having a bulge - but on the front, not the back. I was also told that I have the beginnings of arthritis between the two discs that are causing me problems.

ARTHRITIS!! FOR GOD'S SAKE I'M ONLY 30!

I've been told it's not uncommon though, and could have been caused by some back trauma from when I was a kid. I can't think of anything that would have caused any damage as a kid but there was that one night during Pride a number of years ago that left my back a little achy...

Anyways, the ice pack seems to be helping and the Chiropractic visits are doing their job. It's frustrating knowing that I can't lift a thing for the next few weeks for fear that I'll injure it again. I have to strengthen the muscles around the problem area to protect it first. Guess there's no other bigger incentive to get my ass back to the gym.

I'm saving up for a motorized scooter.

Slow News Week

Not much happening this week I'm afraid, so I'm going to toss out some old news. Anyone remember the Ikea dog-penis scandal? There is a fold out picture of a family and dog on the cover of the 2007 catalogue. If you look closely at the dog, it looks like it's been endowed with a rather large, circumsized penis. Ikea claims it's just a leg. I'm sure that's what the dog tells all the boys.

Anyways, here's a picture of the um, picture, followed by a closeup.

Bits

*Still cutting back on the smoking. Down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. This isn't fun anymore. Withdrawal is kicking in.

*Went to see my naturopath last night for some acupuncture. Explained that I'd had a nasty stomach flu, and that I had a couple of tender spots - one just below and to the left of my sternum, and the other was on my right shoulder. It was odd, but once the flu hit, it felt like my shoulder was bruised for some reason. He then proceeded to take a small statue off the shelf, which had all the pressure points labeled on it. The spot I pointed out below my sternum was related to stomach pain, and the exact spot I pointed to on my shoulder was related to the large intestine. Neat.

*Acupuncture is wonderful.

*He warned me that cutting back to just a few cigarettes a day isn't the best way to quit. What ends up happening is that those precious few smokes become a reward that you give yourself for doing so well on cutting back. In turn, smoking becomes a positive thing that you reward yourself with, and it makes it that much more difficult to give up. I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense.

What doesn't kill you just leaves you a little crippled.

Not much happening lately. Saturday we were out at Ikea looking at closet organizers, and I started feeling very ill. You know I must be sick when I want to leave Ikea. I came home, crashed on the couch and within an hour came down with the worst stomach flu I've ever had the pleasure of enduring. There's nothing like running to the bathroom and then running back to the couch, diving under the blanket and shivering for the next 10 minutes trying to get warm again - all while fully clothed. Had a high fever all night too, which I'm sure burned every bacteria in my body as I woke up feeling exhausted but no longer ill. Unfortunately all the shivering somehow screwed up my back so now that I feel healthy again, I'm crippled.

Shoot me.

However, on the bright side, I felt so nauseous with the flu that I didn't smoke very much. I decided that I'd keep on that track. I only had 2 cigarettes yesterday and 2 the day before. ZERO cigarettes today - so far. I already feel better.

*crosses fingers*

Also started working on updating my website yesterday. I've had an idea in my head for a while on how I want it done, and recently discovered how to accomplish it in Photoshop. However I still have to learn how to actually create the whole damn site from scratch. Learning curve here I come. I hope it doesn't turn out as bland as the rest of my work. ;>

My Evil Twin Brother

I received the following email in my inbox today:

Hey Jonathan

We share the same name. We also share an artistic interest with regards to action figures from our youth. I have to admit that I am not hugely impressed with your work (don't take it personally) but it is pretty bland.

You seem to be getting to exhibit it though so someone must like it (god knows who).

I have some (better) photographs that I took of certain of my favourite action figures around about 2 years ago now which I am going to send you.

Perhaps they will inspire you to produce something a bit more exciting?

Expect to see them soon, they are not in digital format so I will have to work out whether I scan them or get them converted....I don't currently know.

Regards

Your namesake, Jonathan Barrie

You know, I can take criticism. In fact I even welcome it. It makes one rethink and potentially improve one's work. However there is this thing called tact, of which he is sorely lacking. Art is all in the eye of the beholder, but I fail to see how this could be considered bland. The other collection was my very first one. Is it a little bland? Maybe. But it was also a starting point. Not to mention my work has a very different feel when printed, as opposed to when viewing it on a monitor.

You know what would have been better? Saying something along the lines of "I do the same subject matter as you and I feel that your work could use a little something extra. Here are some examples of my work. Maybe it will give you some ideas." It's essentially the same message, but minus the elitism. I don't take away the fact that his work could be good, but man, why so negative?

I'm still intrigued however.

An eye for a porn.

Yesterday I picked up an EyeTV for my mac. It's a little audio/video device that plugs into a USB port and connects to Cable or your VCR/camcorder allowing you to watch TV or a VHS on your computer. It also acts as a PVR and can record what you're watching and then burn it to a DVD.

Adding something like this to a Windows PC is annoying - install the CD that came with the device and pray the drivers got installed properly. Reboot. Plug in device. Wait for Windows to tell you it found a new device, then what it is, the it asks you if you want to look online for drivers or automatically look for them. Choose "look for them" and pray it finds them. If it doesn't, then point it to the CD and search for the proper folder and pray again. Possibly reboot.

With my mac I plugged the EyeTV into the USB port, and put the CD in the drive. A window came up and I dragged the icon for the EyeTV software into the Applications folder. Went into the Applications folder, clicked on the icon, typed in the serial number and I was instantly watching TV. Couldn't have been simpler.

One of the reasons why I got this is that I have some old home movies that I want to put on DVD. I thought I had found one the other day so was really excited to dust off the VCR, connect it to my mac and watch it. I popped in the tape, pressed play and waited for the video I made as a kid to appear on the screen. But instead it was porn. I should have known better. So I watched a little bit of that then grabbed another tape that I found in another box. The label read "The Best of Zak Spears". Hmm, not what I was expecting either, but I watched some of it nonetheless. I may make a copy of that one anyways. It's all footage of Zak Spears before he bulked up on steroids and began resembling a gorilla. In other words, when he was still hot.

So in my spare time I'll continue to go through boxes until I've gone through all the porn and finally find the tapes I'm looking for. Maybe, if I'm feeling like it, I'll even put some up on YouTube for all the world to see. Nothing like a bit of self humiliation.