DeadRobot just alerted me to the fact that I was - once again - a poster boy for The Black Eagle Toronto. You'd think they would have found a clearer picture to use. You'd think I'd get paid or at least a free drink. Not to mention that site looks like utter shit. A direct product of Dated Websites for Dummies Using Frontpage 2.0 for Windows 95. Hell, even I could have done better.
Poster:
Me (I'm having my leg measured for raffle tickets):
What happens if you wear it and you're not gay?
These chicks are into hot bareback action.
A. It's O.J.
B. He has a third leg. Literally.
Jump Suits Ltd. 'Nuff said.
<-- Not Sexy ..... Not Sexy -->
Levis. For little boys who dream of swinging alone to the pink tiger.
Going to be creating some pictures along this theme. This is just a rough idea, not sure what the final product will be like. Just wanted to put it out there. Aiming for the fall.
As if the Olympic logo wasn't hideous enough, it's now come to light that the promotional video for it can cause seizures. Even people who hadn't had them for years were being triggered by this awful piece of promotional trash. Talk about adding insult to injury - or in this case injury to insult. It has since been taken off their website, but you can still find it here.
WARNING - If you are prone to seizures and Dickeybird THIS MEANS YOU, don't watch it (unless you want the rest of the day off). I did and even I had to avert my eyes a couple of times - especially the part when the diver jumps in the pool. It even left me feeling a little odd for a minute or so after watching. I find it hard to believe that no one noticed anything unusual during the screening process (assuming there was one of course).
You know, the more I think about it, the more I have to give kudos to the agency that created it. It's definitely unique, it's recognizable, it's unforgettable, everybody's talking about it, and even though it doesn't look like it has much to do with the Olympics, thanks to the media everyone knows that it's associated. I'd have to say that they did their job well - hideous or not.
I'm going to go take some Advil now. I've got a headache. You've been warned.
This is the official logo for the 2012 Olympics. I may be an artistic hack, but I know shite when I see it. Florescent pink and yellow? Hello? 1988 called and they want their logo back. Ech. Apparently it hasn't been well received.
Best comment I've read so far:
"Lisa Simpson giving head is the official 2012 London Olympic logo!"
Didn't see it until I read that - and now it's all I see.
Thanks to Knife Writer for the quote.
1.The phone rings, who do you want it to be?
A representative from The Daddy Institute telling me that I've won the grand prize and can choose to be the boy of any one of their hot, rich Daddies. I also get to be the beneficiary of their will (not that there'd be much money left after I was through).
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
Yes. Q always makes a point of it because god forbid he lose twenty five cents.
3. If you had to kiss the last person you kissed, would you?
If I knew his name, what he looked like and could find that dark alley again.
4. Do you take compliments well?
Yes, but I don't take lack of them very well.
5. Do you play Sudoku?
Sometimes. It makes my brain hurt after a while. Thinking is hard.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, would you survive?
My Daddy would never abandon me. I'd sue the Institute.
7. Do you like tongue rings?
Eh, whatever.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, I went to Quin-Mo-Lac! Just like Dickey! I also remember there being a couple of hot counselors there who were identical twins. Made me tingle in a pre-pubescent way. One was our group leader and I remember peaking at him at night and watching him change.
9. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs?
Yes I could and I have. His being Jewish bothered him a lot more than it did me (I didn't care).
10. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
Definitely pursued. This bitch don't like to work.
11. Use three words to describe yourself at the moment.
Bored and horny.
12. Do any songs make you cry?
Only when I'm relentlessly subjected to the same 5 top 40 songs on the radio. I don't listen to the radio anymore.
13. Are you continuing your education?
I learn something new every day - another way to hate Windows.
14. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
I had a pellet gun as a kid. Does that count?
15. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you grabbed?
My cats - who would be all freaked out and run away from me.
16. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Q.
17. Favorite children's movie?
I prefer childish shows for adults - South Park, Robot Chicken, Harvey Birdman, Drawn Together etc.
18. What color are your eyes?
Blue / Green / Hazel. It depends on the day. Makes filling in government forms a crapshoot.
19. How tall are you?
6'1"
20. If you could do it over again, start from scratch, would you?
Definitely.
21. Any secret admirers?
Too many to mention. They're so secret I don't even know they exist.
22. Taken a picture in photo booth?
Yes.
23. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
The last time one was open in Toronto - 1999 ish.
24. Favorite ex?
If I liked them, they wouldn't be an Ex. Though J was fun.
25. Do you like mayo?
All over my body.
26.Do you like mustard?
Yes I do.
27. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
Both, but if I had to give up one it would be sleeping.
28. Do you look like your mum or dad
I kinda look like my mom's brother.
That didn't come out right.
29. How long does it take you to shower?
10 - 15 min. Depends on how many songs I sing.
30. Can you do the splits?
God no!
31. What movie do you want to see right now?
There are a couple, just on the tip of my tongue, but I can't think of them now. Spiderman 3 is NOT one of them.
32. What did you do for New Years?
I can't quite remember, but it was quiet.
33. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
Never saw it but want to.
34. Do you want to have sex right now?
Yes, but not with anyone in the immediate vicinity.
35. Do you own a camera phone?
No.
36. Did you have a crush on any teachers?
Yes. in high school. His name was Mr Clapp.
That sounds wrong.
37. Was your mom a cheerleader?
I highly doubt it.
38. What's the last letter of your middle name?
D.
39. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
Around 7.
40. Do you like care bears?
I did when I was little. It frightens me that they are popular all over again.
41. What do you buy at the Movies?
Chocolate, sprite and eat Q's popcorn.
42. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope.
43. Do you wear your seatbelt?
Yes, although mine currently has a big red blood stain on it from the Evil Dead Musical.
44. What do you wear to sleep?
My birthday suit.
45. Anything big ever happen in your town?
Port Hope - nothing ever happens. Toronto - I guess SARS was a big deal.
46. Is your hair straight or curly?
Straight and messy.
47. Is your tongue pierced?
No. Not interested.
48. Do you like Liver and Onions?
Why would I choose to eat the body's filter? Love onions though.
49.Have you ever been in love?
Currently am. Thought I had before, but looking back I wasn't really. Not like this.
50. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny.
51. Ever been to L.A.?
I think we went there on a family trip to California when I was 10.
52.Do you like the rain?
Yes. Especially if it's a warm rain.
53.Ocean or pool?
Ocean, then pool in the afternoon.
54.What’s your favorite drink?
Belvedere vodka martini, straight up, dirty, with olive.
55. Do you hate chocolate?
That's like asking if I hate water, air or any other necessity.
56. Are you a gullible person?
Yes - I mean no, I mean why do you ask?
57. Do you need a bf/gf to be happy?
No, but it helps.
58. Do you have socks on right now?
Yes.
59. Are you easy to get along with?
I always thought so, unless no one has bothered to inform me otherwise.
60. What is your favorite time of day?
11pm
61. Do you like PINK?
I have a pink shirt that I look good in, and a pink t-shirt. As for the artist, she's not too bad.
OK, so I know most (if not all) of you are not tech junkies like myself, but you have to see this for yourself.
I
Want
One
Now.
This is what happens when you make special brownies, eat too many of them and call 9-1-1.
Wait, there's more...
Last night Dickey, Q, Scott and I went out to see Evil Dead the Musical as part of my annual birthday celebration. I made sure to get us front row center blood seats. All of us except Scott had seen it before. It was funny and campy - just like before. And we all got spattered with blood - just like before. I think I got it the worst out of the four of us. Somehow they must have known it was my birthday.
I hate to admit it, but I've been watching American Idol. I've come to the conclusion that a large number of the voters are idiots. Melinda was voted off this week. It's insane. That woman can SING and has amazing stage presence. Blake should have been booted off. He's cute, sings well, but the Larvell Jones-esque noises get tired very quickly.
It should have been Melinda and Jordan - with Melinda winning. That's all I'm sayin'.
Sorry I dropped off the radar. I've been retardedly busy. Work has been unbelievably stressful and I pretty much reached my breaking point last week. Having a better time this week, though I'm floating just under the surface of breaking again. Anyone out there looking for an entry level technical support position? We're hiring - without some help I'm going to snap one of these days (again).
I've been working very hard at turning my life around these past few weeks. I've take account of all the things that I am not happy with and am working towards fixing them. It's extremely exhausting and time consuming and the only thing that's keeping me going is the end goal - more free time to enjoy my life and to be able to relax more. We spent all of last Saturday unpacking the house - after being in there for, oh, only a year. It's such a relief to walk down the stairs in the morning and not be greeted by boxes waiting to be unpacked and stressing me out. There's still some work to do, but my goal is to get everything done and finished by the end of May so I can enjoy my summer.
I've also been working hard on other projects too which I'm not able to blog about. Very time consuming and energy draining, but will be worth it. Who knew that taking control of your life would be so difficult? No wonder a lot of people don't do it and just settle for whatever. It's tough.
Had some disappointing news yesterday. I had applied for a booth in the Toronto Outdoor Art Festival in July. It's a 3 day event which you get to promote and sell your artwork and keep all the profits. I thought for sure I'd get in, but apparently that's not the case. It's disappointing enough to be rejected, but here's what really pissed me off. When you apply you have to pay a $300 application fee plus a $10 paypal fee - but if you are rejected, they keep $40 as a non-refundable service charge. So I only got a cheque for $260 and was out 50 bucks. I felt scammed. It's posted clearly on their website, but still it just feels wrong. According to the letter they had over 1200 applicants for 500 spots. That's at least 700 rejections x $40 = $28000! Talk about a cash grab! Fundamentally I think it's a great cause and I support the effort, but at that cost I just can't support the event. It's for the same reason that I decided not to do SNAP! this year. I realize it's a charity event, but after paying for the materials, paying the application fee and then paying again to get in, it ends up costing me well over $100. It's like if you're willing to give a little these art organizations just grab whatever they can get.
In the end it's not a bad thing. Q's big family reunion and his parent's 50th wedding anniversary were on that same weekend. We hadn't told them I wasn't going yet and thankfully don't have to now. Plus it was going to cost me $1500 - $2000 to get all my prints made. Money I just don't have right now. So I'm disappointed at being rejected, but I'm relieved I don't have to do it now. Everything happens for a reason.
Oh and Dead Robot - let me know where and when you're exhibition is. I'd love to see it.
Today marks the 3 year anniversary of when Q and I "officially" got together. We were friends, then roommates before that, and everyone saw it coming - even my boyfriend at the time. It's been a whirlwind of craziness, but in a good way.
When you talk with people who have been together forever, they sometimes talk about the moment when they just knew that "this was it." Before I never understood how someone could just arbitrarily decide that one particular person was going to be their partner for life. Now I know what they are talking about. Up until I met Q, I was just going through life figuring that I'd be with whoever was convenient at the time, and that the relationship would just eventually end and I'd move on to another. The thought of being with someone forever was unfathomable.
However, after a short few months with Q, things were completely different. I started thinking about us and the future. And I knew - without a doubt - that he was the person who I wanted to spend every waking moment with (but not in that clingy way - I still cherish my independence). I'd even like to get married one day.
He's unbelievably kind, generous, supporting and understanding. In return he makes me want to be a better man. There's something to be said for that.
We have our ups and downs like anyone, but more ups than downs, which is nice for a change. We've both been through rough times with other people, and as a result when we do disagree we have never resorted to yelling, name calling, saying cruel things out spite, violence or anything like that. If I ever got to that level I'd simply walk out and spend some time alone until I calmed down. No one deserves that - ever - and I won't let it happen again. Thankfully those moments are few and far between. We both prefer to listen and discuss, rather than argue. It takes more effort, but reaps bigger rewards.
I'm just looking ahead to more fun times in the future - and maybe a ring goddammit. It's getting about time. I know that I could just as easily ask him, rather than wait for him to ask me, but I just want him to do it. Don't know why. Guess I'm just a big ol' girl after all.
When my grandmother went into a nursing home a few years ago, I had the opportunity to raid the closets of all the boxes upon boxes upon boxes of 35mm reels. I managed to scan some in a while ago (a tedious task at best) and was looking over them again. I found this one picture of my grandmother (on the right) and her sister Marnie. Aunt Marnie was one of the most amazing people I ever had the pleasure of knowing in my life. She was about 5'1" and full of energy and an unbelievably positive person. Unfortunately she lived in California so I only got to meet her a few times. But those precious few time left an ever lasting impression. She passed away a few years ago and was in her early 90's. Always independent, it wasn't until her last few years that she had a nurse come to her house to help her out. It's funny, she always looked just like she does in that picture.
I used to opportunity to practice my photoshopping skills and remove the dirt and scratches. Not a bad job, if I do say so myself. Of course you can't tell unless you click on it for the full picture. I may even print it out and hang it in my office somewhere.
Before:
After:
Q's parents live in a senior's complex. It's pretty much condos for old people - not that his parents are decrepit or anything. Anyways, we visited them on Sunday and when we pulled into the parking lot I noticed a couple of new signs, and promptly almost peed myself. As you enter the driveway you see the two signs, one above the other. This is how they read:
Senior's Residence.
No Exit.
I've got to go back with my camera.
And I don't mind sayin'. Probably wouldn't be half as popular now if Scissor Sisters hadn't blazed the disco/Bee Gees/Elton John/Queen/pop/ballad/insert-influence-here trail first. The whole album is pretty solid too.
If you don't like it, well I'll just chalk it up to being a hack when it comes to art and music.
Grace Kelly
Love Today
Helped Dickey move in to his new apt on Sunday. It was a rather uneventful (thankfully) but long day.
The cats seemed oddly pleased with their new surroundings. Usually cats don't take to change well and take a few days to acclimatize. Andy in particular was the most affectionate I've ever seen her, considering she's prone to hiding when people are around. Maybe they were looking forward to it? They can sense tension.
New diggs are nice. Glad to see him in a good place. Can't wait to see it with furniture.
I received this comment from "A" yesterday:
I see your internet site, and now I see your blog. I am sorry, but I have to say I think it is terrible your art. Really bad, no one will ask you to paint inside of church, that is for sure! But it is good that you try, I can see you try. So I say this, why do you do nothing with yourself? I read some of your blog and it is boring, all you seem to do is complain about life and shop in malls for Ipods. Isn't Toronto a big city? Isn't there lots of things to do? I think if you do a lot, maybe things will get better. I do so hope, you look a very nice boy, but you sound so sad.
Well A, while I appreciate the feedback, let me clear a few things up for you:
1. Art is subjective. You can love it or you can hate it. Personally I hate those airbrushed pictures of Wizards that I see at flea markets, but there seems to be no end of them and I can only assume that people still buy them. Especially if you are my old superintendents. Same goes for floral oil paintings in oversized golden frames, those pictures of mexican kids with big, sad eyes, and velvet paintings.
2. I don't have any plans to paint the inside of a church, nor do I hope to be asked to. It would probably end up being something like a Last Supper Super Orgy; Jesus getting whipped on a St Andrew's cross or Moses in a sling getting horn fucked by Unicorn. I don't think it would go over very well.
3. I don't recall shopping in malls for iPods lately. In fact I'm in no hurry to replace the one I've got. In addition I don't recall shopping in a mall for iPods and posting about it recently at all - except the time we took Q's nieces to the Eaton Center as a Christmas present. But what I do want is an AppleTV. Feel free to donate to the cause.
4. I may be complaining a lot lately (am I?), but exciting things are happening in my life right now that I can't post about yet and that's frustrating. I've been down lately but hey, shit happens. Once I get things happening, there will be more ups than downs I can assure you. And I love complaining for christ's sake! If I couldn't do it on my blog then what would be the point of even having it?
5. Toronto is a big city and yes, there's lots to do. The problem is I've done so many things and so many men in the past 10 years or so, that I'm in no rush to do any more. I'm quite content to be at home for those precious few hours I am a day and enjoy it. There's a reason why I moved out of the downtown core.
6. I am a nice looking boy, thank you. And like I said, maybe even a little down these days but I feel it's warranted and am taking the steps to rectify the situation.
Thanks A. You gave me something to write about today.
Just read that flavoured meth has hit the steets. Delicious tastes include strawberry, chocolate, cola and of course, original. Soon it will be followed with Meth Zero, Diet Meth and Caffeine Free Meth. A revised formula of Meth will soon be rolled out to improve on the original taste, but due to a consumer revolt, will most likely be consigned to the name New Meth and be sold alongside the original Meth Classic.
What's next? Glade scented Poppers?
Sniff your rag and be enveloped in the rich scent of lavender, taking you back to those warm summer days spent in the country - just before you get that fist shoved up your ass.
My old friend Eeyore is back visiting today. I wish he was somewhere else. The clouds that follow him are currently sitting right over my head. The feeling is frustrating yet comforting and familiar at the same time. I've spent a lot of time with Eeyore over the years, and also spent a lot of time with distractions in an attempt to ignore him.
for the past couple of years I've been trying to distance myself from his company. I don't think he likes that very much. He's not going away easy. It's a hell of a lot of work - more than I thought it would take. Just when I think he's gone, I have a day like today when I'm feeling tired, frustrated, stuck and generally fed up with everything and next thing I know he's right by my side.
I think he'll be here for most of the day.
Me: Do you see the PCanywhere icon?
Client: Yes.
Me: Are you connected to the internet?
Client: Yes.
Me: Now click on the company icon.
Client: Ok it says "PCAnywhere initializing".
Me: Good.
Client: Nothing else is happening. It still says "initializing".
Me: Are you sure that you're connected to the internet?
Client: Yes - oh wait. I have to be connected to the internet first?
Me: (sigh)
Last night I had a dream that I got my ass tattooed. Not just a picture or two, but the entire thing was completely covered - and I don't have a small ass. In fact I remember at least a third of my left cheek being covered in blue, and the rest a collage of pictures.
S wasn't around to do the tattoo so I went to this other guy. His booth was covered in bright coloured pictures, which was exactly what I was looking for. We discussed what I wanted and he tattooed away. I realized when he was done that it had covered much more than I'd anticipated, but what could I do? I'd just have to get used to it. So I ran out, found all my friends at a bar and brought them into an empty room to show off my new tattoo.
After the crowd had gathered I turned around, undid my pants and dropped them. No one seemed impressed. In fact Dickeybird looked miffed. I think it was because I didn't get S to do it and I didn't bring him with me. His response:
"It's great - if you want to show your proctologist how depressed you are."
I thought "What? I'm not depressed! I'm happy, that's why I wanted a fun tattoo!" It was then that I took a good look in the mirror. The tattoo was bright and colourful at first glance, but when you looked at it closely, the images were quite sombre. My next thought:
"I can't have someone who's fucking my ass looking down and getting depressed! It would totally ruin the mood!"
Priorities.
I started to think of ideas on how to cover some of the images, including making Hitler's face green and changing it into the Hulk, and went back to the artist to talk to him about what he'd done. It turned out that he'd ignored most of our conversation and put in his own images (including a creepy clown graphic) because he'd drawn them earlier and his girlfriend thought they were cool. He gave me a revised sketch to change it, but it wasn't any better.
I started looking for S to see if he could fix the mess, but then my alarm went off. I woke up with a start, wondering what the hell I was going to do about my multi-coloured ass. Until, of course, I realized it was just a dream and I wasn't running the risk of depressing my boyfriend.
I should use this as a premise for a new Broadway play - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Ass. Anyone have Andrew Lloyd Webber's phone number?
Today I was thinking of that old saying "if everyone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?"
Well imagine standing at that cliff with all those people around you. Only they have you harnessed up with saftey equipment, there's a big cushion below waiting to catch your fall, and they'll be down there waiting for you when you land. Walking to the edge you stop, peer over, and look down. What you see is a huge canyon and at the bottom that big cushion, only it looks tiny because it's such a far way down.
Even with all the safety nets around, the thought of jumping off that cliff is still ultimately terrifying - even if you know that you'll be better off for it.
That's exactly how I feel these days. Love to elaborate but can't yet.
My nephew is almost 4 years old. He's reached a point in his life where everything is MINE MINE MINE! Even if it's a toy that's shared with his sister, it's MINE! We're trying to teach him to share, but he has no desire to and it's difficult. If he doesn't get his way he screams and yells, throws temper tantrums and gets so worked up that he'll even make himself sick. But we don't give in. If you reward behaviour like that, then he'll grow up thinking that's how he'll always get his way.
South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker were asked to make a promotional video for Universal Studios. So they did, and got Stephen Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone, Michael J Fox, James Cameron, Debbie Moore, Tracy Lords and others involved. The studio didn't like it (I can't understand why) and it got shelved, but somehow it ended up on the web anyways.
Now I want a porcelain deer for my house and am craving a Seagram's Wine Cooler.
Enjoy.
Because buying a house last year just wasn't enough, I'm contemplating another big life change. Don't worry, it's a good one and looking back will probably be one of the best things I've done. Change is good, change can be scary, change is necessary. Change won't happen for quite a few months though.
I'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet, but just had to put something down on my blog. Nothing kills me more than having big news and having to keep it a secret. I'm not very good at it.
We came home yesterday evening to find yet another "present" from the cat. Q screamed like a little girl and ran up the stairs (option A). I repeated yesterday's steps and threw the mouse away. Judging by the fact that they were scattered across the floor, I'm pretty sure that the mouse spent some time in one or more of my shoes. We've taken to shaking out our footwear lately, like we're in the desert and watching for scorpions only instead of a desert it's a frozen city and instead of a scorpion it's a dead rodent. Same difference.
Part of me is concerned that there are mice. The other isn't so concerned since they're being caught by the cats. At least it gives them something to do.
You're midway through eating dinner and you hear lots of noises coming from the next room. You put down your food, walk into the dining room (because you're eating in front of the TV again) and see that you're cat has just caught a mouse. He's picking it up, throwing it around, batting it, growling and carrying it around in it's mouth. All the while you hear little squeaks as the mouse is dying a slow, brutal, painful death. Every once in a while you see a little leg twitch.
Do you:
A) Freak out, jump up on a chair and scream like a little girl.
B) Try and get the mouse away from the cat in mid kill, hoping that the mouse doesn't bite you when you pick it up - provided that you can even get it away from your extremely excited kitty.
C) Sit back down and finish your meal. Pick up the phone and call a friend while you're waiting for it to be over, and periodically dump the mouse out of your shoe because the cat likes putting it in there and then diving in after it. Then, once the mouse is dead and the excitement's over, wait for The Kittenator to come over to you for approval and praise, pet the kitty, and remove the lifeless body with a grocery bag and throw it outside in the trash.
I chose C. What else was there to do?
Well I'm back from a much needed break from both blog and work.
I was outside my office this morning and our local crazy homeless person was pissed off because somebody stole his milk crate. Apparently he turned his back for two minutes and it was gone. Just like that.
Mondays suck for everyone.
I bought this on ebay the other day. It's a barbie-sized living room set and it's for the new animated movie I'm about to embark on. Don't expect anything any time soon. These things take FOREVER. I'm thinking at least a couple of months before it's finalized.
On the art front, thanks to Stephen I remembered to submit my application to the Toronto Outdoor Art Exhibition. I always mean to and always forget and if it wasn't for a friendly reminder, I'd have forgotten again. It's going to cost a lot of money and be a lot of work to put on. It had better be worth it - or you're dead Stephen.
Anyone who knows me or reads this blog regularly is well aware of my complete disdain for the monopoly that is Bell Canada. After my latest call to them, I've decided that I could get the same amount of help from them if their phones were manned by goats.
Let me relate my recent conversation to prove my point. My part of the conversation is in bold, followed by the support agent's response, followed by a goat translation in parentheses:
Ring.. Ring..
Thank you for calling Bell Canada. My name is mpfrgghrp how can I help you? (Baaaa-a-a-a.)
Hi there. I'm trying to set up a new internet service but wasn't supplied with a username or password.
Ok, what's the B1 number for the account? (Baaa.)
I don't know, I wasn't given anything - just the modem.
Well if you could give me the B1 number then I could look up your account. (Baaa baaa ba)
Like I said, I wasn't supplied with any information. I don't have the B1 number, I don't have the username or password. That's why I'm calling you.
So you don't have one? (Baa.)
No.
And you need a username and password? (Ba).
Yes.
Oh, well you've reached tech support. You have to talk to the billing department for that information. Let me transfer you. (Baaaaa baaaa ba ba ba baaaaaaaa)
????????
As you can see, if you read the english or goat translation, you get the same end result. It's like reading a choose your own adventure book where every choice leads to your death.
I rest my case.
Today I tried out for my very first TV commercial. Buckley's had a booth at Yonge and Bloor where you could sign up and be filmed tasting their medicine. For those of you not in the know, Buckley's makes a cough and cold medicine that's tastes truly horrid. However, they have a brilliant marketing scheme and use that fact to their advantage. Their slogan is "It tastes Awful. And it works."
Currently they are going around the nation filming people making funny faces for their commercials and posting the vids on the web. People then vote for the one they like the best and the winner gets a 5 year supply of Buckley's. Yay!! Of course when you enter, you allow them to use your name and picture and sign away any hopes of financial compensation. Brilliant marketing for such little money. Oh well. I always wanted to be on TV.
So when the video is up, I'll post the link. Please vote for me. There's nothing I want more in this world than a lifetime of cough medicine.
Last night we were relaxing in front of the TV after dinner, red wine in hand, and generally enjoying some downtime. We decided to watch CSI: NY. In one of the storylines a guy was murdered (surprise). He lived with his sister who also happened to be the only witness and described the attacker as being a woman fitting her own description. It was later revealed that they had both been in a car accident a number of months ago and she had moved in with him while recuperating. I immediately guessed that she suffered some brain trauma and as a result killed him, thinking that someone else was the murderer. Wouldn't you know it, at the end of the show they were interrogating her and she looked into a mirror and started screaming "that's the woman who killed my brother!!" How original.
However, in true CSI fashion, they discovered clues in the most fantastical ways. While sorting through hundreds of shards of broken glass, an investigator came across a teensy, tiny, pie shaped piece of material. It was at most half an inch long and a quarter inch wide at the edge. Using a hunch he took a blank CD and chipped out a piece the same size. He then stuck the evidence in that spot (which fit perfectly on the first try), taped it together, stuck it in a CD player and hit play. Magically a sample of the song came out of the speakers and using even more super duper audio analysis, he was able to pinpoint the song and album. I freaked.
Technologically speaking, this is impossible. A burned CD has an area on it with the table of contents as to where all the information is stored. Without that, the player wouldn't know that the data was there, let alone be able to decode it. Not to mention that the data for a song is not written sequentially, like on a record. Having a leprechaun being fucked by a unicorn jumping out of the speakers would have been equally as plausible (and preferable) when he hit the play button. I can only suspend disbelief for so long.
At 9:00 our phone rang. It was a telemarketer. They've been calling a lot in the past few weeks. I'd finally had enough. I picked up the phone and the poor bastard was only able to spit out a few words before I hit the roof.
Hello?
Hi sir, I'm calling from Rogers Telecom and -
Do you know what time it is? It's 9:00 in the evening! What the hell are you doing calling my house at 9:00 at night?
Well sir, these are the working hours and -
Well those aren't my working hours! I work from 9 to 5 and when I come home I want to relax and the last thing I want to do is be interrupted in the evenings by telemarketers. And it's valentine's day!! What the hell are you doing calling in the evening on Valentine's Day? I don't care what you're selling, whatever it is I'm not interested!
Poor bastard didn't know what hit him. Afterwards I felt a little bad. The guy was just doing his job, and it's a shitty job on top of that. But still, 9:00? Isn't that a bit late?
Lovegodsway.org has some interesting theories regarding fags and how much God hates them (even though man was made in god's image in which case he must like it up the ass at least 10% of the time). They have a fantastic rehabilitation program called C.H.O.P.S. - Changing Homosessuals into Ordinary People. No, I don't have a clue what the S stands for either. The creator, Donnie Davies, knows all about the road of being gay and transforming into a beautiful heterosexual butterfly. He's been there. He's even, get ready for this, "been called a faggot." Wow. That's awful. I feel so sorry for him. That's almost as bad as being chased by a bunch of rednecks and having the shit pounded out of you.
There is also a list of Gay Bands that you should never ever listen to, including such staples as Erasure, Depeche Mode, Scissor Sisters, Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, The Village People and Boy George, just to name a few. Other no-no's include Ghostface Killah, Twisted Sister, The Doors, Metallica (because they touch tongues), Barry Manilo, Frank Sinatra, Clay Aiken (who should be on everyone's No Listen List) and Elton John who, according to the website, is "very gay". It goes on and on.
On the other hand it is officially OK to listen to a whopping 17 Bands (I love how they refer to everyone as "Bands"). Straight people can listen to Cindy Lauper (because she has absolutely no gay ties at all. Nope. None whatsoever), P.O.D, Evanescence, and 14 other "Bands" I've never heard of before.
Makes me that much happier to be gay. If I were straight I'd throw my iPod and stereo out the window. No wonder us homosexuals have such a hard time. All the straight boys are jealous that we get to listen - no - enjoy listening to music.
Have to give them props though, I do like the logo.
Oh, and one more thing. There's a link to Donnie's personal website. It's not exactly what I'd call butch.
Once upon a time I was in a resort in Panama. It was right around this time of year. God I'd kill for that pool right now.
Happy HNT!
Tornwordo's post today reminded me of the immensely unenjoyable time I spent in Winnipeg as a teenager.
The year was 1992 and I was 16. Canada was celebrating 125 years of being a whiny, yet progressive country, and as a special treat they were offering an exchange program free of charge. Anyone 16 and over who wanted to see another part of the country could sign up, though you couldn't choose where to go. It turned out that our school got paired with Winnipeg. Yay.
We had to host first, so at some point in the spring a group of students came over to stay for a week. The people in charge of the program at school organized lots of group outings and trips to keep everyone occupied. It was ok. Though I'm just realizing now that I have no idea what the person's name was who stayed with me, or even what he looked like.
A few weeks later it was our turn to go. Upon arriving we discovered, to our dismay, that we wouldn't be staying with the people who came to visit us - or even seeing them. In fact none of us were to be staying in Winnipeg at all. We ended up being dispersed across the countryside in different backwoods towns. I think I was somewhere outside of Rosenort.
Rosenort.
I ended up staying with a Mennonite family. They were very nice, very hospitable and very innocent. The daughter was all excited because she was going to Bible college the next year. The son, who was my age, was kind of geeky. He didn't have much in the way of social skills, his face was all pimply and looked like it had been run over by a tractor - more than once. But being a hard working farm boy (as opposed to the get-me-the-hell-out-of-here kind of farm boy that I was) he had a killer bod. I thought about putting a potato sack over his head and taking him out back behind the barn once or twice, but figured that might not go over so well.
They had barely scheduled any group activities and we had to complain a lot so that someone would make arrangements so we could see each other. The isolation was awful. We did end up going to a "social" at the local church hall one night. It was their version of a school dance except you could drink - and drink I did. The legal age out there is 18, and somehow I looked it and consequently got the drinking wristband. We also went on some river cruise. I drank a lot there too. We all did.
However I did have a point to this story. We had a few chaperone's accompany us on the trip, one of whom was the female gym teacher - a classic, stereotypical lesbian. I ended up getting into a car with her and a couple of other students when leaving the airport. Ms. Gym Teacher was sitting in the front passenger seat and our driver was telling us about Winnipeg and all the flooding problems they have and all the ways they try to combat it. She was pointing out some landmarks and things and nonchalantly motioned to the right and said "and there's the dyke."
I swear my tongue was bleeding and I almost peed my pants.
And that was my most memorable moment in the utterly forgettable city of Winnipeg.
I decided this after watching Future Weapons today. I'd like to get my hands on Mack's gun.
Yesterday I was on a road trip to visit a client up in Collingwood. I stopped at a service center on the 400, around King City. It's a small, redneck kind of place. I went into the washroom and actually laughed out loud when I read what had been scrawled onto the toilet paper dispenser:
Turbin repair kit
I know I shouldn't laugh at these kinds of things, but it was funny. Not to mention it was obviously written by someone with a high intelekt. Reminded me of the time I saw a Nazi symbol etched into a stall with the slogan "white supreacy rules." I'm pretty sure there's an M in there somewhere.
It's finally finished!!!!! I've uploaded my new site for all to behold.
I'm excited because it's the first site I've designed and created from scratch - no templates and no wizards. I even included the bullshit "Statement" that galleries love to see for some reason.
Take a look and let me know what you think - unless you're my evil twin and you have a better website but it's not on a computer and needs to be scanned in or something. I'll probably tweak it as the days go on, but I'm happy so far.
www.jbarrie.com
I've decided that I want to be famous. Actually I shouldn't act like I just decided this, it's something that I've wanted ever since I was a child. Initially I thought that I'd accomplish this through acting and/or modeling, but after having just the teeniest, tiniest taste of the industry, I realized that I wasn't prepared for, nor did I want to take part in it. Instead I concentrated on getting my University degree and getting a steady paying job. Now I'm 30, I've got a job that pays well and it's one that I enjoy. I don't have any complaints really. It suits me perfectly. But I've gone as far in the computer field as I want to go.
I'm getting the feeling that in the next couple of years I'm going to need a change. Not just a new job, but a whole new career. After getting my degree, I was adamant that I'd never go back to school again (so young, so foolish). Now I'm considering going to Ryerson for photography and design, and leaning towards commercial product photography. This is where the famous part comes in. I going to be a famous designer or photographer. I want people clamoring for my designs and to be featured in magazines. I want the opportunity to say "No Madonna, I can't design your next album cover. I'm simply too busy. Maybe next time. AND STOP CALLING ME!!!"
My creative juices are flowing at an all time high. I'm having trouble sleeping at night because I keep thinking of ideas. I've been working furiously on my new website, which is hopefully going live tomorrow. I have a stack of photos in my head that need to be made, and the desire to put together a show. Poor Q barely sees me these days.
It all sounds ridiculous, but it's driving me in a way that I've never felt before to create and keep creating . Hell, I even bought a Mac.
Change is good.
Don't get too excited - it's not porn.
However it's a very funny short film about a guy who gets fired for inadvertently going to a porn site at work. Watch it when you have about 20min or so.
http://content.foxsearchlight.com/searchlab/node/598
I came across this ancient promo video for Microsoft Windows 386. Not Windows 3.1, but 386 - circa 1987. It's a 12 minute video, but worth it when you get to the 7 minute mark.
It really doesn't get any more 80's than this. I'm going to have nightmares. Brace yourself.
(obscure Pet Shop Boys reference)
I'm excited. I've spent the last number of evenings recreating my website from scratch. It's almost done and I'm very, very happy with it. Hoping to have it finished this weekend.
Just had to share....
I used to think that back problems were only for old people. Well, by my own definition I'm now officially old. After walking hunched over for days and being referred to as Grandma (and secretly wishing I had a walker a few times) I finally went to see a Chiropractor. After some painful prodding (and not the good kind) and X-rays, it was determined that I have a disc bulge. I don't mind having a bulge - but on the front, not the back. I was also told that I have the beginnings of arthritis between the two discs that are causing me problems.
ARTHRITIS!! FOR GOD'S SAKE I'M ONLY 30!
I've been told it's not uncommon though, and could have been caused by some back trauma from when I was a kid. I can't think of anything that would have caused any damage as a kid but there was that one night during Pride a number of years ago that left my back a little achy...
Anyways, the ice pack seems to be helping and the Chiropractic visits are doing their job. It's frustrating knowing that I can't lift a thing for the next few weeks for fear that I'll injure it again. I have to strengthen the muscles around the problem area to protect it first. Guess there's no other bigger incentive to get my ass back to the gym.
I'm saving up for a motorized scooter.
Not much happening this week I'm afraid, so I'm going to toss out some old news. Anyone remember the Ikea dog-penis scandal? There is a fold out picture of a family and dog on the cover of the 2007 catalogue. If you look closely at the dog, it looks like it's been endowed with a rather large, circumsized penis. Ikea claims it's just a leg. I'm sure that's what the dog tells all the boys.
Anyways, here's a picture of the um, picture, followed by a closeup.
*Still cutting back on the smoking. Down to 2-3 cigarettes a day. This isn't fun anymore. Withdrawal is kicking in.
*Went to see my naturopath last night for some acupuncture. Explained that I'd had a nasty stomach flu, and that I had a couple of tender spots - one just below and to the left of my sternum, and the other was on my right shoulder. It was odd, but once the flu hit, it felt like my shoulder was bruised for some reason. He then proceeded to take a small statue off the shelf, which had all the pressure points labeled on it. The spot I pointed out below my sternum was related to stomach pain, and the exact spot I pointed to on my shoulder was related to the large intestine. Neat.
*Acupuncture is wonderful.
*He warned me that cutting back to just a few cigarettes a day isn't the best way to quit. What ends up happening is that those precious few smokes become a reward that you give yourself for doing so well on cutting back. In turn, smoking becomes a positive thing that you reward yourself with, and it makes it that much more difficult to give up. I never thought of it that way, but it makes sense.
Not much happening lately. Saturday we were out at Ikea looking at closet organizers, and I started feeling very ill. You know I must be sick when I want to leave Ikea. I came home, crashed on the couch and within an hour came down with the worst stomach flu I've ever had the pleasure of enduring. There's nothing like running to the bathroom and then running back to the couch, diving under the blanket and shivering for the next 10 minutes trying to get warm again - all while fully clothed. Had a high fever all night too, which I'm sure burned every bacteria in my body as I woke up feeling exhausted but no longer ill. Unfortunately all the shivering somehow screwed up my back so now that I feel healthy again, I'm crippled.
Shoot me.
However, on the bright side, I felt so nauseous with the flu that I didn't smoke very much. I decided that I'd keep on that track. I only had 2 cigarettes yesterday and 2 the day before. ZERO cigarettes today - so far. I already feel better.
*crosses fingers*
Also started working on updating my website yesterday. I've had an idea in my head for a while on how I want it done, and recently discovered how to accomplish it in Photoshop. However I still have to learn how to actually create the whole damn site from scratch. Learning curve here I come. I hope it doesn't turn out as bland as the rest of my work. ;>
I received the following email in my inbox today:
Hey Jonathan
We share the same name. We also share an artistic interest with regards to action figures from our youth. I have to admit that I am not hugely impressed with your work (don't take it personally) but it is pretty bland.
You seem to be getting to exhibit it though so someone must like it (god knows who).
I have some (better) photographs that I took of certain of my favourite action figures around about 2 years ago now which I am going to send you.
Perhaps they will inspire you to produce something a bit more exciting?
Expect to see them soon, they are not in digital format so I will have to work out whether I scan them or get them converted....I don't currently know.
Regards
Your namesake, Jonathan Barrie
Yesterday I picked up an EyeTV for my mac. It's a little audio/video device that plugs into a USB port and connects to Cable or your VCR/camcorder allowing you to watch TV or a VHS on your computer. It also acts as a PVR and can record what you're watching and then burn it to a DVD.
Adding something like this to a Windows PC is annoying - install the CD that came with the device and pray the drivers got installed properly. Reboot. Plug in device. Wait for Windows to tell you it found a new device, then what it is, the it asks you if you want to look online for drivers or automatically look for them. Choose "look for them" and pray it finds them. If it doesn't, then point it to the CD and search for the proper folder and pray again. Possibly reboot.
With my mac I plugged the EyeTV into the USB port, and put the CD in the drive. A window came up and I dragged the icon for the EyeTV software into the Applications folder. Went into the Applications folder, clicked on the icon, typed in the serial number and I was instantly watching TV. Couldn't have been simpler.
One of the reasons why I got this is that I have some old home movies that I want to put on DVD. I thought I had found one the other day so was really excited to dust off the VCR, connect it to my mac and watch it. I popped in the tape, pressed play and waited for the video I made as a kid to appear on the screen. But instead it was porn. I should have known better. So I watched a little bit of that then grabbed another tape that I found in another box. The label read "The Best of Zak Spears". Hmm, not what I was expecting either, but I watched some of it nonetheless. I may make a copy of that one anyways. It's all footage of Zak Spears before he bulked up on steroids and began resembling a gorilla. In other words, when he was still hot.
So in my spare time I'll continue to go through boxes until I've gone through all the porn and finally find the tapes I'm looking for. Maybe, if I'm feeling like it, I'll even put some up on YouTube for all the world to see. Nothing like a bit of self humiliation.
It's the beginning of the year again, and SNAP! is once again open for submissions. I've been submitting pieces for a couple of years now, and every year I run into the same dilemma of whether I want to continue or not.
For those who don't know, SNAP! is an annual fund raiser for ACT (Aids Committee of Toronto). It consists of two auctions - a live auction of donated works by established artists, and a silent auction of works donated by "less-established" artists. There's also a competition for us lesser folk. In order to donate work, you have pay a $10 submission fee for each piece to be considered - not all pieces get chosen for the silent auction. Then you can go to the event and see if your piece is there, and how much it's goes for. Thankfully my work has always made it through every year, and it has sold, but I've never won the competition. Mostly because I'm not sure just what exactly the judges are looking for.
Initially this was fun. I'd submit a few pieces, then buy a couple of tickets for around $30 each, dress up and head down to the Church on Berkley for an entertaining, if not interesting, night out. Not to mention the exposure. Afterwards there'd be a little blurb on the website, mentioning the winners and also a number of pages with all the submitted entries.
Through all the hard work of the organizers, this small event has become extremely popular in the past couple of years. Unfortunately the rise in popularity has come with a cost to us local artists. Last year, due to the number of people attending the event, it was moved to the National Ballet School on Jarvis St. A brand new and larger building. However, this meant that the silent auction pieces were divided into two rooms. Not only that, but the work was displayed on cubicle-type partitions that were set up at alternating angles in an accordion like fashion. When a table was placed in front, you couldn't look at any of the pictures straight on, which made it more difficult to get a good look a them.
The crowd seemed to be made up of mostly people who were there just to be seen, rather than to attend a fund raising event that contributes to a great cause, and also gives some exposure to new artists. It just felt like a lot of the consideration previously given to the lesser folk was lost in the new fabulous event. Also, the only pictures currently on the website are in a crappy slide- show and are mostly comprised of uninteresting pictures of all the fabulous, interesting people at the last party, instead of all the fabulous and interesting artwork that was on display. Very disappointing.
Last, but definitely not least, the cost of contributing to this event has become a factor. Not only do I have to pay for the printing and matting of my work, but as I mentioned before, I also have to pay $10 to submit each one. Then if I want to go to the event and bring someone with me, I have buy two $50 tickets. So the entire thing ends up costing me upwards of $160 or more. It would be even higher if I didn't have the ability to print the photos myself. Given that I'm contributing art and giving them a submission fee, it would be nice if I could get a discount on the tickets as some sort of appreciation for my efforts. It all feels a little too greedy these days, but I guess that's what comes along with success.
Just look at what happened to Fashion Cares.
When we went to Vegas a few years ago (I can't believe it's already been that long), I brought along a new camera I'd purchased from Ebay. It's this 3D camera contraption from the 80's. It has four lenses, all at slightly different angles, and when you spend the extra money to send the film to the camera company for processing, they layer the images together and it creates a 3D photo that's hard to look at for prolonged periods of time without getting a headache.
Well I had no such intention, and even if I did the company and technology's long gone. I did think that it would make for an interesting art project at some time. So I took the photos, got them developed and have been sitting on them ever since. Nothing I ever tried worked - until now.
I just ran them through iMovie and discovered that they create this weird 3D animation effect. You can't really tell from the compressed video, but it looked really cool on my computer. I burned it to DVD and looked pretty neat there too. I sense yet another project brewing.
Have I mentioned that I fucking love having a mac?
As a footnote, here's how I made it:
Created an album of the pictures I wanted to use in iPhoto.
Opened iMovie, clicked on Media, then Photos, and was then able to view my iPhoto albums.
Selected pictures, dragged and dropped into the media tray.
Set the amount of time each should be shown.
Previewed movie.
Clicked on Share, then selected Web as the format.
Named the file and hit Save. Movie rendered and done. Uploaded to YouTube.
Want to put it on DVD? Click share, then iDVD.
Movie is rendered and iDVD opens.
Select the opening menu you want, edit it as you desire, stick in a blank DVD and hit Burn.
Done.
Try that on a PC and see how long it takes you. It's hell.
I wish I would have been Green Lantern. He was always one of my favourites.
If Leather Man was a super hero, I'm sure I would have been him.
Your results:
You are Iron Man
| Inventor. Businessman. Genius. |
Blech. I'm still sick. This Orwellian Cold (I don't know what that's supposed to mean exactly, but it sounded good) just won't go away. Now I've given it to Q. Consequently we stayed in on New Year's, opened a bottle of wine, snacked on a tray composed of melon balls, prosciutto, parmesan cubes; baguette crisps; bruscetta and baked chevre (Yuppie anyone?), and watched Down With Love - a campy romantic comedy, done in a very 60's style, starring Renee Zellweger and Ewen McGregor. It's one of my favourite movies, if for nothing more than the fabulous, colourful outfits and sets. I don't mind Renee Zellweger, but a friend of mine can't stand watching anything she's in. As she puts it "her face always looks like she just smelled poo." I can't argue that.
While I'm loving my new espresso machine, I've also discovered that the frothing attachment makes the best hot chocolate. It's the best of both worlds really.
I had a brain fart this morning that I have to write down before I forget. I think I know how I want to display You Never Knew once it's all finished. I'm thinking of reworking the images slightly and making each of them look like individual panels of a comic. When they're displayed, they will be grouped together in such a way as to make it look like blown up pages of a comic on the wall. It's just an idea at this point, I'll have to play with them to know for sure. A lot can be read into the comic book metaphor though - the association with children, how abuse victims can be accused of making up a story, how an episode (or episodes) of abuse can seem surreal, etc etc. I think it might just work. At the very least it will give me that much more bullshit to sell to a gallery. They love bullshit.
