Open for business

I just opened my new store at www.cafepress.com/normlr.

This is just my first try. I'll be going through a lot of revisions in the next few weeks/months.

Buy a mousepad!

Update:

Buy a t-shirt!!

You're Motorin'........What's your price for flight??

I don't know why but I couldn't stop listening to Sister Christian on the weekend. I downloaded the soundtracks for Grand Theft Auto and I was hooked when it came on.

Felt like I should have been back home in a pickup with a 2-4 in the back, a bottle in my shirt pocket wearing a John Deere jacket and toque which peaked about 12 inches above my head.

You wanna beatin' buddy rails?!! ARRRRRR!! Goin' re-foring in the back 40!

Check out those black pants, white high tops and black beret.

A new direction

Last weekend I met a friend's boyfriend who is a designer. I showed him my work - which he liked - and was talking about my frustrations and difficulties at getting into a gallery. His advice: screw the galleries and start selling to shops on Queen West. Then, when you start making money, start concentrating on the big stuff for the galleries.

I've thought about his advice over and over again and it's starting to make sense. I've really changed my thoughts on the direction I'm heading in and decided to take a more business minded approach. First of all, I'm going to start selling on eBay. I've joined an online site for artists, EBSQ, that provides a space (and more importantly - templates) for creating an online portfolio and presence. They also provide you with excellent templates for putting in descriptions of your artwork on eBay. It looks good and simply pulls all your info from the EBSQ site so there isn't much work involved. Plus it looks professional.

Secondly I've opened up a store on Cafepress.com (it's not ready yet). They allow you to create all sorts of merchandise (apparel, mugs, stickers, calendars, etc) with your images on it, all for free. Everything has a base price, you decide on the markup, and when something is purchased they send the markup to you. You can also purchase stuff of your own to sell without the markup. They take care of the ordering, manufacturing, money and shipping. I don't think it gets any easier than that.

Thirdly, I am redoing a few photos in solid colours so they can be silk screened onto t-shirts. Printing photos on t-shirts is very expensive, but images with only a few colours can easily be silk screened by a number of companies here in Toronto. I know someone who's friend does it, so I'm going to start there. Of course I'll have to learn Illustrator (because I have ooodles of time). Once I have prototypes made, I'll be approaching shops on Queen to see if I can get them sold there. I'm hoping that at least one store out of the whole city will be willing to sell custom shirts. Oh, and did I mention the postcards and possible greeting cards?

In short, I've decided to create my own brand. Soon absolutely everyone will have to have a jBarrie something or other. It's going to take a lot of time, but there's no rush.

A clockwork orange meets Salvador Dali

That was my experience yesterday at the eye clinic. I had Lasik surgery done about 4 years ago to get rid of my glasses. It was great except that I was left with the dreaded night glare. At the beginning of this year, a new technology emerged called Wavefront which is much more precise. I had that done in February to get rid of the glare and it worked. Unfortunately I developed another problem a month ago - I started to see double. Not the "I've had too many martinis and now I see two of you" kind of double, but more of a ghosting effect when I was trying to read. Not fun.

When they do the laser surgery, they open a flap on your eye, zap it and then close the flap. Sometimes however, the flap doesn't seal completely and cells from the outside membrane of your eye accumulate underneath it. That's what happened to me so I had to go under the knife for a third time.

This time they had to open the flap and scrape away the cells. It was very surreal and very disturbing. They place a speculum under your eyelids so that you can't blink (a la Clockwork Orange). Then they peel away the flap, at which point the light you are staring at gets very blurry. Then the doctor takes an instrument and starts scraping your exposed eye. It's very, very, very disturbing (did I mention that already?). This thing is poking at your eye and distorting your already distorted vision and pulling it in different directions. It's also a little nauseating. All this stuff is happening and all you want to do is close your eye so you can't see it, and it's the one thing that you aren't able to do. It reminded me of a Salvador Dali film I saw once where a knife was going into an eye (or something like that). It's as horrible as it sounds.

Thankfully you don't feel a thing during the whole procedure and it only takes a couple of minutes. Plus you get a valium beforehand. My eye stung like a son of a bitch afterwards though. Thank god for the Tylenol 3's. After a few of those, plus the valium, I was feeling better. I don't want to do it again though. It was much worse than having the laser surgery in the first place. Unfortunately, it may happen again, and if it does, the flap in my eye will have to be glued. I always thought that you weren't supposed to put glue in your eyes.

After all that, was the laser surgery worth it to get rid of glasses??

Absolutely.

Dear Santa

I've been a good boy all year. All I want for Christmas is an iBuzz attachment for my iPod. Oh, and maybe a new video ipod to go along with it too.

On the topic of George W. Bush

I just think he's just fucked. He's so fucked. I want to send him some poppers and Crisco.

Margaret Cho - Assasin

Don't blame me

As you may or may not have heard, GM is laying off some 30000 people over the next few years. This is terrible news, especially for the plant here in Oshawa which is the life blood of the community. It ranks #1 for production, yet is still going to lose over 3000 employees. They are also saying on the news that for every job lost at GM, it means 7 lost jobs locally as the effect ripples throughout the community. That plant employs a lot of people from many different towns spanning east and west along the 401. I truly feel sorry for those people, and for the towns it will bring down with it. What used to be a guaranteed-for-life job at an auto plant with good wages and benefits has now become nothing more than a gamble.

But are these layoffs happening? Simple - GM's sales are sinking. The mighty Giant has lost a lot of market share to the imports over the past few years. Consequently they're axing the workforce and Buzz Hargrove, President of the CAW is telling us as Canadians and as Americans, that it's all our fault because we haven't been buying North American cars. Thank you"Buzz" for the enlightenment. Now why don't pull your head out of your ass and join the real world.

Let's step back for a moment and think about why we're not buying GM vehicles. Hmmm, maybe it's because they have the longevity of a 16 year old having sex for the first time. The cars may look great, may run fine, but they just don't last. Three people I know very well have had horrible experiences with brand new GM cars - power steering going (more than once), brakes failing, engines needing replacing, and in one case the car stalled immediately after being driven off the lot. Somehow my parent's friends managed to force the dealership to take that car back and give a full refund after only having it for a few weeks. Though they didn't drive it much since it was in the shop most of the time. Even if you are one of the lucky ones who don't have these problems with a new GM, just wait until the warranty expires. Like the day after it expires.

If I can choose between a Hyundai with a 5 year warranty, and another vehicle with a 3 year, which is the logical choice? Obviously Hyundai believes that their products are good, and is willing to stand behind them, so I got one of those. Plus it's a full size sporty hatchback which local models like the Ford Focus pale in comparison to. What if I wanted diesel car? The VW TDI engine is powerful and has great mileage, but find me a GM equivalent. Toyota and Honda both have hybrids, but I can't get a GM hybrid sedan. And speaking of Honda, the Civic and Accord are both well known for their longevity and high resale value. I don't know of a GM model that enjoys the same reputation.

What I'm getting at here Mr. Buzz Hargrove, is don't blame me for GM's failures. It's not my fault they dropped the ball, lost their innovation and put out crappy products. The consumers have spoken, and it's time you all listened and stepped up to the plate. Give us a reason to buy one of your cars, instead of reasons not to.

Welcome to my world

Since Dickey asked, I'll give this a go:

Two Names You Go By --
1. Joe Nathan
2. Jonathan

Two Parts of Your Heritage --
1. Canadian
2. Polish

Two Things That Scare You --
1. Closet Doors
2. Driving in Markham

Two of Your Everyday Essentials --
1. Chocolate
2. Cigarettes.

Two Things You Are Wearing Right Now --
1. Perry Ellis Red
2. Degree

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment) --
1. Goldfrapp
2. New Order

Two Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love) --
1. Kinky Sex
2. Respect

Two Truths --
1. I had posters of ABBA in my locker at age 16
2. I have never had sex with that "other gender"

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You --
1. Hairy Chest
2. Hairy Legs

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies --
1. My artwork
2. Watching horrible B horror movies

Two Things You Want Really Badly --
1. My own studio
2. To travel around the world for one year

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation --
1. Australia (again)
2. France

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die --
1. Ryan Reynolds
2. Safari in Africa (and no, the African Lion Safari just outside of Toronto doesn't count)

Two Ways that you are stereotypically a Guy -- I'm not, so I'm changing this to Gay
1. My Kiehls shaving products
2. I own almost every Erasure CD & LP ever produced

Two Things You Normally Wouldn't Admit --
1. I wish I still did E (but I don't and won't).
2. I'd have sex with a girl just to see what all the fuss is about.

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now --
1. I shouldn't be drinking coffee again.
2. Am I going to stick with my resolution of quitting smoking today?

Two Stores You Shop At -
1. Banana Republic
2. Winners

Two people I haven't talked to in a while --
1. Ed C. in BC
2. Dickey - we need another beer night

Two bloggers who may now dislike you for passing this on to them --
1. I can't pass these things on. I just can't. It's like chain letters. I'm morally opposed.
2. But if you want to do your own, please feel free.

Blast from the Past

I took hundreds of slides, reels and a projector from my Grandmother's house over the weekend. I've slowly been going through the pictures of trees, roads, fields, hills, water, roads, fields, trees, roads, water, hills, tractors, cars, trees and every once in a while I find ones with actual humans as subjects. This is me and my aunt Vicki. Check out the floral pattern. I think it classifies as nuclear explosion loud. Even then I had a propensity for putting things in my mouth and sucking on them.

Confessions on a Computer Screen

As if being saddled with the task of buying my mother an electric mixer for Christmas wasn't gay enough, Susan dragged my tired ass out to 5ive at 10:00 last night for the Madonna CD release party. It was fucking cold, and we had to wait in line to get in. I hate waiting in line. And as always, there was one Solid Gold reject doing his dance moves solo on the dance floor as the place was fillling up. I think he was re-interpreting vogue-ing with a splash of Paula Abdul. I need not say more.

Now maybe I'm naive, but aren't they supposed to actually play songs from the new album at a CD release party? They played Sorry at midnight, and Hung Up at 1:00 am. It's not like there isn't a lot to choose from, the disc is filled with dance tracks - hence the name. Instead we were subjected to Lucky Star, but sped up so she sounded like one of the Chipmunks.

I find it a bit strange to walk into a club that I haven't been to in a long time. I used to love going there for the bear/leather nights a few years back. Lots of hot daddies to oogle at. Of course now everything inside has completely changed and so has the crowd. Instead of big, burly daddies, I was treated to thin, flimsy, college queens and girls. Not one fuckable guy in the entire place. Not that I was planning, but it's always fun to look.

Anyways, I did enjoy myself, but was even happier to come home and climb into bed with Q. I've almost shaken off the hangover.

All I Want for XXXmas

My sister and I were discussing what to get my parents for Christmas, and were thinking of going in on something together. After spending Saturday with my father chopping and piling wood (yes I can do butch things too!), it was clear that he needed a new chainsaw to replace the 20 year old one. D thought that was a great idea and said that her husband knew of some ones that dad was looking at, so it shouldn't be a problem. She then mentioned that mom could use a new stand mixer for the kitchen. I told her that I knew of a couple of places in the city to get that kind of thing at a decent price.

"Great" she says "I'll look after the chainsaw and you're in charge of getting the mixer."

Sigh. Sometimes stereotypes are there for a reason.

How did I miss this?

In 2001 Max Wright, who played the father on ALF - that totally cool 80's show- was caught picking up homeless men with his gay lover, smoking crack and having sex - and video taping it. He also developed a fondness for male prostitutes. Did I mention that he was married at the time? I guess working with a puppet for 7 years can do that to a person.

Book

After hearing lots about it (and no it had nothing to do with Oprah's Book Club), I decided to pick up A Million Little Pieces by James Frey. After the first page I was hooked. I started reading it on Saturday evening, put it down at 2:00 am, woke up on Sunday, had a shower and then finished the book. It's that good.

"At the age of 23, James Frey woke up on a plane to find his four front teeth knocked out, his nose broken, and a hole through his cheek. He had no idea where the plane was headed, nor any recollection of the past two weeks. An alcoholic for the past 10 years, a crack addict for 3, he's checked into a treatment facility shortly after landing. There he's told, despite his rage that he can either stop using or die before he reaches age 24. This is Frey's very personal and acclaimed account of his six weeks in rehab."

Very raw, very real, and very intelligently written. It's uncommon to hear an addict take full responsibility for his actions - no blame laid on anyone or anything but himself. You can also hear a read by Frey himself (12 min). Thanks to Jockohomo for the link.

This book grabbed my attention not only for the reasons above, but because I noticed a lot a similarities between Frey and my ex, Psycho. If that's not scary, then I don't know what is. Now, Psycho wasn't a crack addict, but he did have a very addictive personaility. He often thought that everything would be more fun if drugs were involved - even if we were already having a good time, and he is an alcoholic as I've mentined before. Frey's views on life and love, as well as the constant Fury he refers to, just had way too much in common with Psycho's own views and rage.

The key difference however, is that unlike Frey, Psycho blamed anybody and everybody for absolutely everything that went wrong in his life. Even down to the silliest, smallest things. Like the time we were sitting at home with Q (who was just a friend at the time), enjoying some ice cream. Psycho spilled some on his shirt and then screamed, jumped up, and then ran over to the kitchen sink in his princess rage, acting like the world was going to end. Then he started yelling at me because I wasn't helping him. Honestly, how much work does it take to dab water on a shirt and then go upstairs and change it? That was Q's first taste of the real Psycho, and he still vivdly remembers the incident. I just added it to the list.

Eavesdropping

Just came across a great blog the other day, Overheard in New York. It's exactly what it says, just excerpts of overheard conversations, and it's frequently updated.

2 Questions I never thought I'd be asked

Number 1:

Q and I were standing on Castro St Saturday night watching all the fabulous costumes go by. At one point an asian drag queen walked by us, turned, and in a very sultry voice asked:

Asian bird flu anyone?

We almost pissed ourselves laughing so hard. We were just so utterly shocked we couldn't stop laughing.

Number 2:

We were on the streetcar going down Market St when yet another crazy person got on. He walked up to me and said "You smoke crack?"

"No," I replied "not today."

"Really??" he answered "Because I smoke crack! I fucking love smokin' crack!!" and he proceeded to go on about the virtues of smoking crack and how much he enjoyed it as he made his way to the back of the streetcar and sat down.

That must have been some good shit.

Signs of San Francisco

For some reason I took an interest in signage while in SF. Since I can no longer be a slut, I guess I had to divert my energies elsewhere.

This was the view from our hotel. If you look at the larger picture it reads "See the beauty, touch the magic." I wouldn't touch the magic there with a 10 foot pole.



Danger in Alcatraz.


Bear Bar

As opposed to those "public baths." Uh-huh.

Don't feed the pigeons your poo.

Last breakfast in Alcatraz.

No explanation needed.

Definitely not McDonalds.

Why don't I have one of these around the corner from my house?

Because knowing is half the battle.

McDonalds says "It's just a lure, don't help the poor!"

We saw this sign just after sitting down for breakfast.

Ran out of BBQ sauce?

They're here.........

I book most of my vacations through my travel agent. It's a gay agency, and I can usually rely on their recommendations on places to stay in cities that I'm not familiar with - usually. This time they were a little off the mark. Anyone who is familiar with San Francisco can tell you that the one area you definitely want to avoid is Market St between 5th and 8th. We were at Market and 7th, otherwise known as Shit St & Crack Ave. It was awful. The area is plagued by hundreds (no exaggeration) of homeless people with their shopping carts. Our first day we were witness to a fight across the street and at night we could watch numerous drug deals taking place. Just down the street were the Adult stores and strip clubs.

The hotel itself wasn't too bad. It was OK. Very old, but without that old building charm. The calibre of people staying there was pretty good as well. Other people we spoke with were just as surprised by the area as we were. At least Q and I are two big guys, but we still wouldn't have went out alone. I can't think of how some women there must have felt. Picture a hotel at the corner of Dundas and Sherbourne and you get my drift. However, the one thing that majorly bugged me about the place was the closet door.

When I was a kid we lived in a very old farm house. All the closet doors and bedroom doors were the same - just a big, heavy wooden door. I was a big fan of horror movies (and still am) but that came with a price. The closet at the top of the stairs, the one in my bedroom and under my bed were severly off limits at night. I think it all stemmed from an episode of Tales from the Darkside where a student rented a room in a house, and was terrorized by a monster in the closet. A closet not unlike the one in my bedroom. At the end she finally left screaming (or was killed or something) and the monster turned out to be this white half bat/half human thing that was the owner's child or something. I eerily remember him at the end cradling it, carrying it, and soothing it as he took it back upstairs. Forever etched in my brain that scene was. Oh, and we can't forget the infamous closet in Poltergeist either. That being said, the closet door was always shut when I went to bed.

Seeing as the hotel closet reminded me of that, I wasn't comfortable unless the door was closed. No matter what we were doing, even if we were in the room for 10 minutes, I could feel the open door with my back turned. It seriously bothered me a lot. It didn't help that it had a tendency to swing open a few inches if not closed properly either. Of course I had to endure endless torment from you-know-who for the rest of our stay. The bastard even had the nerve to take pictures of it when I wasn't looking.

It doesn't look like much, but it's evil I tell you.

EVIL.

What a gay old time

Q and I recently got back from a 4 day weekend in San Francicso. We had a good time, even though I caught a nasty cold. Did all the touristy things, but no shopping. A first for me. Usually I need another suitcase to come home with. I'll elaborate a little more later, but of course now that I'm back to work, there's a hell of a lot to do.

A word to the wise - if you decide to travel to a destination that has a time difference, say California for example, which is 3 hours behind Toronto. Don't go when Daylight Savings Time changes, because when everything moves back another hour, it really fucks you up.