I win!!! - NOT

Like everyone else in Ontario, I bought my Lotto 649 tickets for the 40 million dollar jackpot. I even picked my very own numbers so that when I win I can tell the world that I did it all by myself.

Plus I figure Karma owes me one. Today an old lady fell in the washroom on our floor and I was commandeered to be the one to pick her up. She was sitting on the ground and as I hooked my elbows under her armpits and began pulling I discovered - much to my horror - that her pants were not all the way up. I felt old lady bum slide up my thigh. Yes it's revolting as it sounds. Thankfully other women were there to pull up her pants as I lifted her. I checked my pants for any stains. Thankfully there weren't any.

But I'd do it all over again. Always good to help. And she was a nice lady.

Bum.

UPDATE:

No, of course I didn't win anything. But it was $1 day at the laundromat last night. Woo.

Brush your teeth. Up and down...

I sure I've mentioned before that eating chocolate late at night gives me weird dreams. Case in point:

Friday night Q took me out for a wonderful dinner. We ended it with Dark Chocolate Creme Brulee for dessert. How could I pass that up? Later that night Candice Bergen (aka Murphy Brown) was drugged and kidnapped by a strange man who put a gimp mask over her face and then proceeded to remove an extra molar in her mouth. When she came to, Candice was very upset because her dentist had told her to never ever, ever, ever remove that extra tooth.

Sigh...

My Spidey Sense is Tingling

I just learned of “The Spiderman” – it’s when you pull out just before you come, shoot your load in your hand, fling it at the chick’s face you’re fucking and scream “Go web go!!!”

Why does Dickeybird comes to mind?

Continuing on the superhero theme, I came across Superdickey.com which features a wonderful assortment of demented comic book covers and scans. Superman Is A Dick is one of my favourite collections. But the following comic just threw me. How many times could you possibly say boner in a comic strip???

Frustrated

So my great idea of putting a package of my work together and sending it to Ben Watt in London didn't pan out. The package was returned. I'm not sure exactly why, except that it looks like the mailman tried to deliver it twice, gave up and returned it. The guy at the post office suggested that I call Canada Post and verify if they are even supposed to XpressPost packages to PO boxes. If not, then he said I should be able to get my money back. I figured that if it was too big for a PO box then they would leave a little note for a parcel to be picked up at the post office. Guess I was wrong.

There go my chances of making a great first impression. There go my chances of meeting BW in San Fran. There go my chances of getting free tickets to the show. Fuckers.

I'm really getting frustrated at the responses I've been getting lately, or more correctly, the lack thereof. I've sent out emails to a few people lately, some of whom I've met before, and received no replies. No "That's great, but it's not for my gallery" or "That sucks and it's not for my gallery" or "Your work is shit" or "Your work is pretty good." Nothing. Nothing at all. That's the worst part. I can handle the rejection, in fact I expect it. I just thought that people would be a little more courteous. How naive.

On another note, Phil and I watched The Killer Barbys (spelt Barbies in the movie, but not on the packaging) last night. It's a DVD he got me for my birthday which turned out to be a poorly translated and dubbed spanish horror movie. They are a rock group who get stranded in the middle of nowhere and have to spend the night in a castle where there is an evil countess who needs the blood of young people to stay alive. Pretty standard fare with lots of sex and girls running around in underwear and/or nude. But being a european movie, there was also full frontal male nudity too. The guy wasn't much to look at, but man was he packing.

They get trapped because a wheel of their van gets stuck in a hole. Of course they all get out (except the 2 fucking in the back, as the do for the whole movie until they're killed) and look but can't figure out what's wrong. Duh. Then a mysterious old man appears, looks and tells them that the shocks are broken, but they can stay the night in the castle. He'll call for a tow in the morning. You know, if they'd just pushed the damn thing.....

An interesting feature of the film is that it is always 12:00. Not sure if it's am or pm most of the time as it's daylight one minute and then dark the next, then daylight again etc etc. But we lost count of how many times the camera zoomed in on every single clock in the castle telling you it was 12:00. Spooooookyyyyyy.....

Favourite line as said by victim#3 as he jumps on a bed:

"I'm going to sleep like Queen Victoria!"

I gather she must sleep very well indeed.

Well Duuuuhhhhhh....

I was showing someone in my office my website today. A nice guy but a little clueless. After seeing one of the photos, his comment was "That could definitely appeal to a certain population of the city."

No shit Sherlock. Do I have to start wearing leather hot pants and singing Madonna songs all day? Again? I shouldn't get too pissy. He was trying to compliment me. It's amazing how some people pick up on it right away, and others have no clue whatsoever.

Well bend me over and call me Sparky

I love Goldfrapp. I love the video for Number 1.

Even if you're not fond of the group, the video is freakin brilliant.

UPDATE: Apparently the link isn't working. Yahoo! bastards removed it!!!! In fact they removed all the videos for the new album.

I'll assume the position......

To all the girls I've loved before.....

Thanks Dan for the title suggestion.

There has been a few thank you’s going around lately. I thought maybe I would do a list of my own - with a twist:

• To Cling-on, thanks for being my first real girlfriend. We dated for quite a long time and it’s thanks to you that I realized I didn’t like women. No offence or anything.


• To Heidi, thanks for saving my ass. It was my last year of highschool and word was getting out that I was gay. You were such a slut and all the guys wanted to screw you, but you liked me so we went out. It saved my ass from getting whipped bigtime. All the jocks couldn’t figure it out, but were jealous and confused at the same time. I think it raised my status to slightly above ass kicking. That was until you dropped out of school, moved out to Oshawa and became a stripper. You know, if you'd have stayed around a little bit longer, we could have fucked. I never had the opportunity before or since.
  


• To the Walrus (koo koo ke choo), you were my first boyfriend and together we discovered the joys of man on man sex. That was until you got really boring, jealous and possessive. Thanks for making it downright impossible to do the things I really wanted to do in life. I told you I didn’t love you, didn’t want to have sex with you and didn’t even like you very much anymore, yet you cried for days and were surprised when I left. Freak.


• To L, through you I discovered the joys of drugs, and hot, dirty, kinky sex. I don’t care if everyone said that you looked like Ron Jeremy, you were hung like John Holmes.


• To Psycho, I owe you my self esteem. You beat me down so badly that I didn’t have a choice but to learn to stand up for myself. Strangely I came out of that experience a stronger man. All the traveling was fun too. But you’re still a complete and utter asshole who’s in need of some serious mood stabilizing drugs.


• To Mr. Man, thanks for being there post Psycho. I needed that a lot.


• To the guys following, thanks for the fun and distraction.


• To J, sorry it didn’t work out. You were a bit too clingy, but being with you made me realize how much I wanted to be with Q. Thanks for being my rebound.


• To Q, what can I say, you’re the love of my life. I’ve never felt like this about anyone before. Thanks for showing me what a real adult relationship is all about. One where respect, compassion, and joy flow both ways. As far as I’m concerned, you are permanently at the end of this list.

Just plain Awful

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Look everyone! I have mouth herpes!!

It's been a rough few weeks. Q's mother was in the hospital and almost didn't make it out, but she's home now. Then he found out last week a friend of his was murdered in Orillia by 2 men "of no fixed address." How in the hell can you be homeless in Orillia? We don't know the details yet, but the funeral is this week, so he'll get more info. Can't wait for this week to be over already.

On another note, I was watching TV yesterday and saw a commercial for a new cold sore medicine. It took about 10 seconds, and a rewind to watch it again (love that PVR) before I realized that I knew the "star" of the commercial. It was Andrea Cross, a friend of mine from high school. We used to do a lot of drama stuff together, and she stayed with it after all these years - only to lament to the world that she's embarassed by cold sores. At least it wasn't an ad for those "not so fresh" days.

Them's is good peoples

I really like where I live. I've never been in a building with so many nice, kind, considerate people living in it. Case in point - I was looking for my ipod on Saturday and figured that I'd just left it in my car. When I went to go out on Saturday night, the following note was on my car - "Did you lose an mp3 player ? 416-555-5555." I'd dropped my ipod beside my car on Friday night and these kind people picked it up and kept it for me. That's also one of the reasons why I keep it in a padded case. It's soft with rubberized edges and consequently doesn't make much of a sound when dropped. Of course that's better than the sound of plastic smashing into a million pieces.

I met them last night and they are a young couple with a cute 5 month old boy. It's refreshing to know that there are still good people out there. I'm going to get them a little something to show my appreciation. Guess I had some karma stored up.

So to Celine, Jean and Mattheu - thank you very much. Your kindness has not gone unnoticed.

Silly Brits

Taken from The Register:

A nice bit of Friday silliness: the BBC reports that posters for the forthcoming Wallace and Gromit spectacular The Curse of the Were-Rabbit on the south-coast island of Portland will not contain the word "rabbit" out of respect for local tradition which has it that the mere utterance of the word causes quarries to collapse entombing local workers forever in killer cement.

As the BBC explains: "Because burrowing can cause landslips in quarries, residents of Portland, Dorset, instead call the creatures underground mutton or furry things." Accordingly, the W&G publicity will carry the alternative slogan "Something bunny is going on".

Weymouth and Portland mayor Les Ames illuminates: "If the word rabbit is used in company in Portland there is generally a bit of a hush. In the olden days when quarrying was done by hand, if one of these animals was seen in the area, the quarryman would pack up and go home for the day - until the safety of the area had been reconnoitred. It is an unwritten rule in Portland that you do not use the word rabbit."

This correspondent seems to recall that Orcadian and Western Isles fishermen also have an aversion to the word "rabbit", and also to "swan", among others, although this is unlikely to be landslide-related. As for Portland, they are indeed a superstitious bunch. God alone knows how they would react to posters for a film adaptation of Macbeth, but we suspect it would involve downing tools and pushing off to the mainland for three months casting much salt over their shoulders.

Veal anyone?

My sister lives on a small farm with cattle, pigs and a donkey named Jack. The other night at 4:00 am Jack started making all kinds of noise. Her husband went out to look and saw a cow laying on the ground. Since she was pregnant and due, he just figured she was giving birth and went back inside. A few hours later Jack started making all kinds of noise again. He went back out and saw that calf had been delivered, but the cow was still on the ground. Then he noticed something very wrong - she was still pushing and her insides were coming out. By the time the vet arrived, she had pushed almost all of her insides out, ruptured a major artery and died. Apparently cows are known to do this from time to time.

The calf however was fine, and Jack was standing over it, guarding the little thing. Now it has to be hand fed, and consequently loves people and loves being pet (I can't wait to see it, they're so cute when they're young). Jack also keeps a careful eye over anyone who goes near the calf.

Smart ass, stupid cow.

This is why I prefer email

The package I sent to Ben Watt still hasn't arrived. I know it landed in London, but where it went from there, I have no idea. I've placed a trace at XpressPost, but it will be up to 15 days before I get an answer.

In the meantime I emailed his assistant who confirmed that aliens did indeed swoop down and take the box back to the mothership, leaving her with nothing. I resigned myself to emailing her the letter I enclosed in the box, along with the link to my site. Not the kind of impact I was going for, but what can I do.

The interesting thing is she told me that I should always send artwork in pdf or link to my site. Sounds like she gets sent this sort of stuff on a regular basis. That gives me an idea - I might just start contacting record labels directly and sending them stuff. The worst that will happen is nothing.

One day goddamnit. One day someone, somewhere will see my work and I will quit my job and make money doing what I love the most. I won't stop until that happens.

Don't ask me if you're afraid of what I might say

I hate Bell. Let me clarify. I loathe, detest, despise, can't stand, wish-aliens-would-abduct- and-probe-them-all, hate hate hate Bell Canada.

Being in I.T., I deal with them on a constant basis. I can't recall one installation or repair call that they didn't fuck up. They are unorganized, incompetent and if they were any other company and not a monopoly, they'd have gone bankrupt years ago. As it stands, I can no longer recommend Bell as an internet provider to any of my clients and will switch them off as soon as any problems arise.

So imagine my sheer delight today when I answer the phone and a friendly voice says to me:

"Good morning. I'm calling on behalf of Bell Canada. We are doing a customer service survey and I was wondering if you'd like to participate."

I was supposed to meet someone in half an hour for lunch, but there was no way that I was going to miss this. If I love anything, it's a chance to bitch. Here are some of my answers based on my satisfaction level ranging from 1 to 10:

• 1
• 1
• 2
• 1
• 2
• 1

And some other answers:

• They have yet to get a single installation right.
• Service reps fail to show.
• Every person I speak to in support has a different answer for the same question.
• I don't believe that many of the people I speak to know what they are talking about.
• I would never recommend a Bell product to any of my clients - ever.
• They took over a month and a half to get all 4 of our phone lines working.

It just went on and on like that for 20 minutes. I was in heaven. Then he asked me if he could pass along my contact info to the group that reads these surveys. I told him to go right ahead. I have no problem telling them exactly why their service sucks honey-dipped donkey balls.

Happy Day.

Some people never change

Especially if they're bat-shit crazy.

I heard a story the other day, about my ex who I appropriately refer to as Psycho. I finally left Psycho 2 years ago after years of fun, heartache, abuse and alcoholism. After I left him, he joined A.A., which as much as I hated, gained the bastard some deserved some credit. But that's not a worry anymore, apparently he's up to his old tricks again.

Two friends of mine (let's call them Larry and his boyfriend Walter) were at a Pride party this past summer, hosted by a Member of Parliament. Psycho's a lawyer and is one of those people who just absolutely has to be in with the "it" crowd or else he'll die, so I wasn't surprised he was there. It did surpise me when Walter told me that he was shit-faced drunk - beyond tipsy, beyond smashed, just over the top Listerine-level intoxicated. A Psycho special that I know only too well.

Larry, Psycho and I used to be good friends, but after the breakup, we just sort of drifted apart, though Larry and I have recently reconnected. Psycho and Larry hadn't spoken in about a year, but when Psycho saw him at the party, he zeroed in. He started getting in his face about everything. Telling Larry's friends that Larry was saying all these things behind their backs and generally trying to embarass him in front of everyone. He just kept trying to push all his buttons. Larry is a pretty quiet guy, and wasn't about to add to the scene, but another person (yet another member of parliament) had to step in between Walter and Psycho. Walter and Larry left the party, while Psycho continued his tyraids.

I repeat, the man is bat shit crazy. Especially to act like that at a who's-who party.

Walter wasn't sure if he should have told me this, but I'm glad he did. Now that I know he's off the wagon, I will definitely have my back up if I see him at a bar.

This isn't the first story I've heard like this since the break up either. It's interesting to see that since I'm not around to be the focus of his rage, he can't actually keep it in and just blows up all the time.

Fucking asshole.