Q & A

I received this comment from "A" yesterday:

I see your internet site, and now I see your blog. I am sorry, but I have to say I think it is terrible your art. Really bad, no one will ask you to paint inside of church, that is for sure! But it is good that you try, I can see you try. So I say this, why do you do nothing with yourself? I read some of your blog and it is boring, all you seem to do is complain about life and shop in malls for Ipods. Isn't Toronto a big city? Isn't there lots of things to do? I think if you do a lot, maybe things will get better. I do so hope, you look a very nice boy, but you sound so sad.


Well A, while I appreciate the feedback, let me clear a few things up for you:


1. Art is subjective. You can love it or you can hate it. Personally I hate those airbrushed pictures of Wizards that I see at flea markets, but there seems to be no end of them and I can only assume that people still buy them. Especially if you are my old superintendents. Same goes for floral oil paintings in oversized golden frames, those pictures of mexican kids with big, sad eyes, and velvet paintings.

2. I don't have any plans to paint the inside of a church, nor do I hope to be asked to. It would probably end up being something like a Last Supper Super Orgy; Jesus getting whipped on a St Andrew's cross or Moses in a sling getting horn fucked by Unicorn. I don't think it would go over very well.

3. I don't recall shopping in malls for iPods lately. In fact I'm in no hurry to replace the one I've got. In addition I don't recall shopping in a mall for iPods and posting about it recently at all - except the time we took Q's nieces to the Eaton Center as a Christmas present. But what I do want is an AppleTV. Feel free to donate to the cause.

4. I may be complaining a lot lately (am I?), but exciting things are happening in my life right now that I can't post about yet and that's frustrating. I've been down lately but hey, shit happens. Once I get things happening, there will be more ups than downs I can assure you. And I love complaining for christ's sake! If I couldn't do it on my blog then what would be the point of even having it?

5. Toronto is a big city and yes, there's lots to do. The problem is I've done so many things and so many men in the past 10 years or so, that I'm in no rush to do any more. I'm quite content to be at home for those precious few hours I am a day and enjoy it. There's a reason why I moved out of the downtown core.

6. I am a nice looking boy, thank you. And like I said, maybe even a little down these days but I feel it's warranted and am taking the steps to rectify the situation.

Thanks A. You gave me something to write about today.

It's a Jitterbug Day

What NOT to do in the morning.

1. Wake up to alarm at 7:00 am. Lay back and rest for just a few minutes.
2. Wake up (with alarm still blaring) again at 7:30 am. Lay back and rest for just one more minute.
   
3. Wake up (with alarm still blaring) at 8:10 am. Run and jump into shower.
4. Sit down and watch TV while eating breakfast.
   
5. Finish eating cereal but continue watching Breakfast Television. It's imperative that you see the segment where they make Easter rabbits out of Rice Krispies squares.
6. Give cats their morning tuna treat (lest they kill you), get dressed, brush teeth, put product in hair, walk out door. Don't rush.
7. Drive to work, park car.
8. Go to Starbucks and get into very long line.
9. Stare at the trainer you see all the time there and try to figure out what part of Eastern Europe he's from. Wonder if he really does have that long, floppy, uncut cock that you fantasize about.
10. Avert eyes before you're caught.
11. Grab coffee and walk into office around 9:30.
    
12. Start blogging.
    

Ohhhh Yeahhhh!

Just read that flavoured meth has hit the steets. Delicious tastes include strawberry, chocolate, cola and of course, original. Soon it will be followed with Meth Zero, Diet Meth and Caffeine Free Meth. A revised formula of Meth will soon be rolled out to improve on the original taste, but due to a consumer revolt, will most likely be consigned to the name New Meth and be sold alongside the original Meth Classic.

What's next? Glade scented Poppers?

Sniff your rag and be enveloped in the rich scent of lavender, taking you back to those warm summer days spent in the country - just before you get that fist shoved up your ass.

Old Friends

My old friend Eeyore is back visiting today. I wish he was somewhere else. The clouds that follow him are currently sitting right over my head. The feeling is frustrating yet comforting and familiar at the same time. I've spent a lot of time with Eeyore over the years, and also spent a lot of time with distractions in an attempt to ignore him.

for the past couple of years I've been trying to distance myself from his company. I don't think he likes that very much. He's not going away easy. It's a hell of a lot of work - more than I thought it would take. Just when I think he's gone, I have a day like today when I'm feeling tired, frustrated, stuck and generally fed up with everything and next thing I know he's right by my side.

I think he'll be here for most of the day.

Phone conversation #1,893,922

Me: Do you see the PCanywhere icon?

Client: Yes.

Me: Are you connected to the internet?

Client: Yes.

Me: Now click on the company icon.

Client: Ok it says "PCAnywhere initializing".

Me: Good.

Client: Nothing else is happening. It still says "initializing".

Me: Are you sure that you're connected to the internet?

Client: Yes - oh wait. I have to be connected to the internet first?

Me: (sigh)

My ass is not depressed!!!

Last night I had a dream that I got my ass tattooed. Not just a picture or two, but the entire thing was completely covered - and I don't have a small ass. In fact I remember at least a third of my left cheek being covered in blue, and the rest a collage of pictures.

S wasn't around to do the tattoo so I went to this other guy. His booth was covered in bright coloured pictures, which was exactly what I was looking for. We discussed what I wanted and he tattooed away. I realized when he was done that it had covered much more than I'd anticipated, but what could I do? I'd just have to get used to it. So I ran out, found all my friends at a bar and brought them into an empty room to show off my new tattoo.

After the crowd had gathered I turned around, undid my pants and dropped them. No one seemed impressed. In fact Dickeybird looked miffed. I think it was because I didn't get S to do it and I didn't bring him with me. His response:

"It's great - if you want to show your proctologist how depressed you are."

I thought "What? I'm not depressed! I'm happy, that's why I wanted a fun tattoo!" It was then that I took a good look in the mirror. The tattoo was bright and colourful at first glance, but when you looked at it closely, the images were quite sombre. My next thought:

"I can't have someone who's fucking my ass looking down and getting depressed! It would totally ruin the mood!"

Priorities.

I started to think of ideas on how to cover some of the images, including making Hitler's face green and changing it into the Hulk, and went back to the artist to talk to him about what he'd done. It turned out that he'd ignored most of our conversation and put in his own images (including a creepy clown graphic) because he'd drawn them earlier and his girlfriend thought they were cool. He gave me a revised sketch to change it, but it wasn't any better.

I started looking for S to see if he could fix the mess, but then my alarm went off. I woke up with a start, wondering what the hell I was going to do about my multi-coloured ass. Until, of course, I realized it was just a dream and I wasn't running the risk of depressing my boyfriend.

I should use this as a premise for a new Broadway play - Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Ass. Anyone have Andrew Lloyd Webber's phone number?

Cliffside

Today I was thinking of that old saying "if everyone told you to jump off a cliff, would you do it?"

Well imagine standing at that cliff with all those people around you. Only they have you harnessed up with saftey equipment, there's a big cushion below waiting to catch your fall, and they'll be down there waiting for you when you land. Walking to the edge you stop, peer over, and look down. What you see is a huge canyon and at the bottom that big cushion, only it looks tiny because it's such a far way down.

Even with all the safety nets around, the thought of jumping off that cliff is still ultimately terrifying - even if you know that you'll be better off for it.

That's exactly how I feel these days. Love to elaborate but can't yet.

MUD

Today I feel no motivation whatsoever. Lying in bed, it felt like my legs weighed 200 pounds each and I had no energy to move them. Three espressos hasn't even done the trick. I'm gearing up for a change and it's both exciting and frightening all at the same time. It also won't happen for a long time yet - and that's the worst part.

Best thing I can do right now is to concentrate on things that need to be done now - stuff I've been procrastinating on, and save the rest for later.

I feel like Eeyore today.

Tantrums

My nephew is almost 4 years old. He's reached a point in his life where everything is MINE MINE MINE! Even if it's a toy that's shared with his sister, it's MINE! We're trying to teach him to share, but he has no desire to and it's difficult. If he doesn't get his way he screams and yells, throws temper tantrums and gets so worked up that he'll even make himself sick. But we don't give in. If you reward behaviour like that, then he'll grow up thinking that's how he'll always get his way.

13 minutes of fun.

South Park creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker were asked to make a promotional video for Universal Studios. So they did, and got Stephen Spielberg, Sylvester Stallone, Michael J Fox, James Cameron, Debbie Moore, Tracy Lords and others involved. The studio didn't like it (I can't understand why) and it got shelved, but somehow it ended up on the web anyways.

Now I want a porcelain deer for my house and am craving a Seagram's Wine Cooler.

Enjoy.

Time for a change

Because buying a house last year just wasn't enough, I'm contemplating another big life change. Don't worry, it's a good one and looking back will probably be one of the best things I've done. Change is good, change can be scary, change is necessary. Change won't happen for quite a few months though.

I'm not ready to talk about it publicly yet, but just had to put something down on my blog. Nothing kills me more than having big news and having to keep it a secret. I'm not very good at it.

Choose your own Misadventure

We came home yesterday evening to find yet another "present" from the cat. Q screamed like a little girl and ran up the stairs (option A). I repeated yesterday's steps and threw the mouse away. Judging by the fact that they were scattered across the floor, I'm pretty sure that the mouse spent some time in one or more of my shoes. We've taken to shaking out our footwear lately, like we're in the desert and watching for scorpions only instead of a desert it's a frozen city and instead of a scorpion it's a dead rodent. Same difference.

Part of me is concerned that there are mice. The other isn't so concerned since they're being caught by the cats. At least it gives them something to do.

Choose your own adventure

You're midway through eating dinner and you hear lots of noises coming from the next room. You put down your food, walk into the dining room (because you're eating in front of the TV again) and see that you're cat has just caught a mouse. He's picking it up, throwing it around, batting it, growling and carrying it around in it's mouth. All the while you hear little squeaks as the mouse is dying a slow, brutal, painful death. Every once in a while you see a little leg twitch.

Do you:

A) Freak out, jump up on a chair and scream like a little girl.

B) Try and get the mouse away from the cat in mid kill, hoping that the mouse doesn't bite you when you pick it up - provided that you can even get it away from your extremely excited kitty.

C) Sit back down and finish your meal. Pick up the phone and call a friend while you're waiting for it to be over, and periodically dump the mouse out of your shoe because the cat likes putting it in there and then diving in after it. Then, once the mouse is dead and the excitement's over, wait for The Kittenator to come over to you for approval and praise, pet the kitty, and remove the lifeless body with a grocery bag and throw it outside in the trash.

I chose C. What else was there to do?

Everybody Hates Mondays

Well I'm back from a much needed break from both blog and work.

I was outside my office this morning and our local crazy homeless person was pissed off because somebody stole his milk crate. Apparently he turned his back for two minutes and it was gone. Just like that.

Mondays suck for everyone.