Fat Chicks not in Party Hats

Chartruse thinks that I hate pleasantly plump women. It's simply not true! Who couldn't love this? I wonder if this is what FatSkankyDirtyDitchPig looks like now.

Yes, it's safe for work.

Friday headache

First of all, thanks for the comments yesterday. I needed a bit of an ego boost. I've put on a bit of weight in the past year. Funny thing is, if I met someone with my body I'd really like it. I'm just not that crazy about it on me. Guess I really am a bear after all. Also, we eat out almost all the time now that we're moving and that doesn't help. Can't stand the tiny apartment kitchen any more. Once we get the house and eat at home more than the 1% of the time, we'll both drop some pounds.

Speaking of which, we signed the papers at the lawyer's office today. Lots of papers involving 6 digit numbers and my signature. I got a migraine immediately afterwards. It's gone away now and I'll live. I'm trying to be excited but it's hard with the stress. I'll be much happier with the keys in my hands on Monday though.

W-E-E-K-E-N-D
It's weekend!
It's weekend!

Anyone ever listened to Music For Imaginary Films? Anyone? Anyone?

Happy HNT!

Black Eagle. Sunday afternoon. BBQ.

Way back Wednesday

Ok, so this was only a few years ago, but it's me and a freshly bathed Howard and Mable.
It's hard to believe that they were so tiny, and even smaller when they first arrived home. Size didn't stop them from being little hellians though.

 

Nine.

1. I used to have pictures of ABBA in my high school locker - in the early 90's.
2. I also used to dress very preppy in high school, but in a very gay way (surprise.) Paisley shirts and Florsheim shoes anyone?
   
3. I've had many pet cats over the years. Names included Mr. Orangey, Big Boy, Smokey, Ynnub, Gertrude (Gertie), Finster, Newton and most recently Howard and Mabeline (Howie and Mabel for short).
4. One of my all time favourite movies is Queen of Outer Space starring Zsa Zsa Gabor.
5. I'd love to build a huge collection of the worst(best) B/horror/sci-fi movies of all time.
6. In 1987-88, when I was in Grade 7, my voice started to change. It didn't mellow out until 2000-01, after I'd finished University. I spent over a decade sounding like Peter Brady - on a good day. I am not exaggerating. My voice was either on the extremely high or extremely low end of the scale, with nothing in between. Imagine possessing the complete inability to hit any note in the range of middle C and that was me.
7. I'm a closet Buffy the Vampire Fan.
8. Erasure was at a local radio station once and would be signing autographs after the interview. Instead of grabbing one of their CD's I brought my Upstairs at Eric's LP and had Vince Clarke sign an album from his former band.
9. I secretly want to try my hand a being a makeup artist. I'm not talking about the MAC counter, but for movies, stage, and photoshoots.

I love Family Guy

Where else on TV can you see two dykes walk into a sperm bank and say:

"We want to have a baby, so we'd like to buy some sperm and an applicator in the shape of Jodie Foster's knuckles."

Classic.

My latest & greatest idea (that I probably will never have time for)

I think I'd like to publish a book. A martini book to be exact. I've come up with a few of my own concoctions recently and would like to add more. There could be a lot of trial and error involved, and could take a lot of martini's but I'm up for it. Once I had the selection narrowed down, I'd have a martini tasting party to get other people's thoughts and come up with a final list for the book. It would also give me an opportunity to do all the photography, artwork, etc. I'd also put my own spin on it so that it's not just another martini book. Maybe half martini half art book. Or something.

Nice distraction from my other worries for the day.

UPDATE: I think I found a contractor through one of my client's. He's coming by on Tuesday. Stress free weekend for me! Yeah!!!

Kaboom!

I had a little bit of a blow out with Q over the phone this morning. This whole house thing is getting to be very stressful. We've had to nix the door from the basement to the backyard idea because of surveys and permits and crap, plus it seemed to scare away a lot of contractors. Instead we are going to widen the basement stairs to allow us to get appliances in and out of there.

I fucking hate dealing with contractors. I don't know why anyone would waste their time talking to me about a job if they're not interested. If you don't want to do it, or don't have the time, then just fucking tell me! I'm sick of being led on, and then suddenly not having any of my phone calls returned. We have been on a time constraint from the beginning, and didn't have the time to be dicked around. If I wanted to be dicked around, I'd go to a bathhouse where I'd at least enjoy the dicks.

To make matters worse, I'm the one who has all the contacts in the industry, so I'm the one who has to do all the phoning and planning. So when an asshole doesn't show up, then I'm the one left scrambling to find yet another person to call.

Thankfully all the paperwork will be going in tomorrow and I have contractor #4 coming by the house tomorrow evening. I got his name from my agent. He seems like a nice enough guy on the phone, and I've already explained to him my frustrations with the industry. He seemed sympathetic enough and assures me that he's not like that. We'll see.

I really wish the home renovation market would dry up a bit to get rid of the assholes. They've got so much work coming at them that they've become lazy and rude. It doesn't matter if they do good work or not because there's always a lineup out the door. Greedy fuckers.

One thing's for sure, if I haven't started smoking already by this point, I know I'm never going to start again.

Mr. Lunchtime Fantasy 2005/2006

I always go to a certain client's every Tuesday and Thursday. As such I usually go to the local sandwich shop on those days. More often than not, I see another regular customer there too. I've decided that he gets the honorary title of Mr. Lunchtime Fantasy. He's my type - big, burly, mid-40's, salt & pepper hair, goatee etc. , and judging by the advertising on his truck, I'd say he's a contractor.

I first noticed him a few months ago. Initially I would just sneek peaks out of the corner of my eye but then I decided to take a good look at him. His hair was always cut short and perfect, he had a perfectly trimmed and groomed goatee, and his nails were always clean - which is a little odd for someone in construction. The gaydar light switched from yellow to bright flashing green, I Will Survive came blaring out of nowhere as the disco ball dropped from the ceiling. Definitely a fag in blue collar clothing.

So I got a little braver and stopped pretending I wasn't checking him out. Instead I'd give him the full once-over, and maintain eye contact. No straight man returns eye contact and smiles - especially on more than one occasion. I'd never go so far as to give him my number, or even strike up a conversation, but it's fun to flirt and fantasize about jumping into his pickup and giving him a blowjob before heading back to work.

Last week while I was sitting at a table he came in, only this time he had a friend. Looked like some young guy, an apprentice maybe, but definitely straight (and a little dirty). Mr. Lunchtime goes up to the counter, orders some food and starts chatting with the lady behind the counter. I hear him mention that he's going away to Montreal for about 10 days. The lady asks if he's going with family and he replies "No, we're going to pickup girls!"

I almost spit out all the food in my mouth. No straight man talks like that.

As I was staring at him in disbelief (his back was to me), I noticed that he was wearing a ring on his wedding finger. That was odd since I would have noticed that previously for sure. As he turned to go back to his table, he looked directly at me. I don't know if it was from my eyes burning into the back of his skull, or the look on my face as he turned around, but he smiled sheepishly like he'd just been caught doing something naughty. Yeah - lying about carpet munching is one thing, but lying about it poorly is another thing entirely.

I'm half tempted to ask him how his trip was and if he got any hot french pussy in Montreal the next time I see him.

The Cleaning Hunk

This actually airs on TV. He is so coming over to clean my new place.

www.cleaninghunk.com

Brokeback Bunnies

Brokeback Mountain redone in 30 seconds by bunnies.

http://www.starz.com/features/brokebackmountain/index.html

A little something until I have more time.

Who knew that preparing to renovate a basement, cut a door to the backyard from said basement, widen the parking pad out front, put in a new floor on the main level and buy all new appliances would end being so much work?? And we haven't even closed the house yet! I just keep seeing $$$$$$$$$$ flying out of my pockets. On the flipside we'll have nice, dark brown maple floors, stainless steel appliances, front loading washer/dryer, and a proper office and laundry room when we're done.

Enough about the house, here's the Rolling Stones singing the merits of Rice Krispies:

I'm officially poor.

Crazy weekend filled with ups and downs. Had the electrician in the house and things weren't as dire as they once seemed so we decided to take it. We now officially own the house. As much as I would like to be excited, I'm really just terrified. It's been my nature for the past 10 years to move every 12-18 months. I can't do that now. We'd have to stay for 3-4 years in order to make money if we sold (this is after all the renovations). The only way out is to break up, and for the first time in my life I don't see that as an option in the future. So I'm stuck. It's not a bad thing at all, but try telling that to my anxieties.

On another note, I went to SNAP! last night. I had submitted 2 photos for the silent auction. They both started at $25. Answerphone went for $35 and Temperamental had a bidding war between 2 guys and it ended up going for $250!! Sweet.

More later

Inspector Gadget

The house inspection yesterday uncovered a lot of electrical problems in the house. Lots of knob and tube (which makes insurance companies run the other way), live wires poking out of the ceiling in the basement, poorly run wires in the kitchen and other fun stuff.

The listing claimed upgraded electrical, but I don't think that replacing a light switch constitutes an upgrade. So we've asked for less money to cover the costs, or for them to do it themselves, which we will have inspected. Apparently they aren't happy because they claimed to have spent thousands of dollars last year on upgrading the wiring. If that's true they got ripped off. Our home inspector described the wiring as very "amateurish". Yikes.

Back to the bargaining table. We're prepared to pull out of the deal if they don't budge.

Update: We've hit a deadlock and moved the final date to Monday at 6:00. No agreement by then == no deal. What a pain in the ass.

House Pics

Thanks everyone for the congrats. Here are some photos:

Simon Cowell Likes Young Boys

But before I get to that -

WE FINALLY BOUGHT A HOUSE LAST NIGHT!!!!!!!!

It's a semi, 2 bedroom with parking out front and a kick ass backyard with a huge 2 level deck that screams PARTY, HOTTUB, and HOTTUB PARTY. Hopefully we can put one in this summer. The kitchen and bathroom are new with a heated floor in the bathroom to keep your tootsies warm in the winter. The basement is very high so we are going to finish it, put in another bathroom and put a door out to the backyard. The basement stairs are too narrow and there's no way to remove the ancient washer and dryer or put new ones in. And yes Dan, I'll be building a special little room just for you.

Best part - no bidding war and we got if for under asking.
Not so best part, but liveable - it's out on Victoria Park which is farther east than we were originally looking. If we were on the other side of the street we'd be in Scarborough (ewww). Thankfully we are pretty far south and only a 10 minute walk to the beach so that balances out nicely.

I'll post pictures later.

So after all that excitement I was pretty tired and didn't have any trouble falling asleep. Didn't have any problems dreaming either. I dreamt that I was one of the last 4 contestants on American Idol. I didn't want to do it anymore so I didn't practice any songs for that night's competition. Instead I came out on stage and sang along to La Gloria by Erasure and totally flamed out. Paula liked my performance but Randy and Simon didn't I got kicked off.

Later I was back in my room and relieved to no longer be on the show. Then I decided to pull out a blow up doll I had recently purchased and try having sex with it. It was beginning to feel really good when Simon suddenly walked in. I said "Well isn't this embarassing" and Simon left.

Later he calls me to his office and tells me that he wants me to design a logo for him. Then, next thing I know we're driving around L.A. at night. He's driving and I'm in the passenger seat with the goddamn blowup doll. We drive past these 13 or 14 year old boys standing outside an Arcade and Simon slows down to take a better look. I call him on it, saying "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you like them young. Pervert" He just looked at me, looked at the blow up doll and grinned, as if to say "You're one to talk". Then I woke up.

I didn't know that buying a house could cause severe brain damage.

Question

How do bald/balding men keep Yamaka's on their heads?

Glue?
Duct tape?
Double sided tape?
Suction cups? Pop!

Or does it defy the laws of physics and somehow cling on to the few whispy strands of hair and not move?

Enquiring minds want to know.

Flashback Fridays

I used to love Fat Chicks in Party Hats back in the day. So mean. So very very immature. So funny.

Hey! that beanbag is not wearing a hat. I will give it mine. haha.

"oh she trys so hard to be pretty but the head..... it is..... tooooo heavy....."

Hooker Pig says "GRAVY PLEASE!"

it is the happyest day for a pile of chili! it meets a fag!
"FLAAAGGGGROOOOOOOOO!!!!"
"i love you to chilli pile!!!!!

Mr. Slap Happy

The other night we decided to sit in Tim Horton's while waiting to be outbid on yet another house. The large tea that I had just consumed was starting to work it's way through my system so I headed for the bathroom. I walked in and did a quick check - no one at the urinals and someone in the stall. Fine, just enough privacy to have a quick pee in peace. Then the door opened. A man comes in, walks up to the urinal beside me, unzips and begins to piss.

Now, to the majority of people out there this would be a common occurance. For me, it's a problem. As I've mentioned before I'm pee-shy. Now I was stuck standing at a urinal, my bladder turned off and I couldn't pee. Great, I think to myself, now I look like a bathroom troll because no one else stands at a urinal not peeing unless they're looking for some bathroom lovin'.

So I'm standing there, these thoughts are running through my head, I'm trying desperately to will my bladder to relax (which is not working) and my fellow companion finishes up. I see some movement out of the corner of my eye and think nothing of it figuring that he's doing the shake. Suddenly there's a loud SLAP! I can't help but look over. The guy is slapping his (good-sized) dick down onto the palm of his hand. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP! Then he holds his hand above his penis, palm still up, and wacks his knuckles from below. SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!
Flush. Zip. Wash. Dry. Out the door.

I was stunned. The only other time I've seen a dick smacked like that, it was on someone's face. I left the bathroom, unsuccessful in my attempt relieve myself. As I was walking back to my table I saw Mr. Slap Happy sitting at a table with his wife and 2 kids and had to turn away. All I could picture was him clubbing her across the face with his slab of meat. It was a long time before I could pee after that.

Bunny Killers

I got kind of freaked out reading about Syphilis testing in Eye Weekly yesterday:

In the past, the test used to detect syphilis in humans required the growing of specimens in live rabbits. Specifically, the syphilis bacteria were injected into the testicles of male rabbits, where it grew and multiplied. When the bacteria were of sufficient number, the testes were surgically cut off and the animal was killed. The testes were then ground up and the syphilis specimens were extracted to produce the test used on humans.

That technology, in wide use for decades, is still being used by government laboratories in Ontario. However, there is now a technique developed by a Toronto company that does not require the use of animals.

OMG, how many bunnies has the gay community massacred over the years??? I hope they switch tests soon.

(And no I don't have Syphilis, have never had Syphilis and don't think I have it at the moment either. Although, come to think of it, there was that one time....)

Homeless

Just call me the Gypsy Woman

La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da
La da dee La dee da

Yet another bid on a house, yet another loss. People are crazy and the housing market's just completely fucked. At least I can take comfort in the knowledge that I was never prepared to pay the kind of money that the house actually went for. Still is shitty though. But in the immortal words of George Michael, singing the words of the Rolling Stones, at the end of his song Waiting for the Day, from the Best Of George Michael album:

"You can't always get what you want."