Trying to get back into shape

I joined a new gym on Wednesday. I wasn't going to my old one anymore since it's now incovenient to get to. Plus my membership expires in August anyways. Instead I decided to join the Premier Fitness that's less than a 10 minute walk to my house, a 2 minute drive and has free parking.

I met this unbeliveably cute guy who showed me around and then signed me up for a membership. It was hard not to drool. He could have asked me to sign anything and I'd have said yes. Ok, I'm not that bad. The gym had a $250 registration fee and a $100 fitness test fee, which I wasn't prepared to pay for, and would have stopped me from joining. Luckily, I used to belong to Premier way back in 2001/2002 and they still had me in their system. That meant that I didn't have to pay those fees again, so my yearly membership fee ended up being $399. I've paid a lot more in the past, so I decided to go ahead.

I went for my first workout yesterday. The place isn't spectacular, but it's OK. One thing I did notice was that there were signs on the paper towel dispensers (for cleaning off the machines) that you had to go to the front desk to get them. Suddenly everything made sense. The first day I was in there, I saw a woman at the front desk ask for some paper towel. The man gave her 2 sheets. She wanted more, so he reluctantly gave her another one. She said she wanted another and he said no. They actually got into an argument because he didn't want to give her 4 sheets of paper towels. Talk about cheap. That's fucking pathetic. I also asked Mr. Cuteypie about towel service. He said that they used to have it, but that the new manager stopped it. Either he's as cheap as they come, or the place is in financial trouble and he's trying to keep it afloat. I'm not sure.

So today I felt like stirring up shit and logged onto Premier's homepage. It states that towel service is available at all locations. It also had a phone number. I called and left a message on the customer service line to call me back. I'm not sure if I'll stay there, the price and location are right, but I'll be a bitch and rat them out anyways. It's just too much fun.

Rushing to the store to get more Depends.

They may say that "youth is wasted on the young" but I can definitely say that luxury sports cars are wasted on the old. Especially when they're doing 40km/h in front of you on an open road.

On the topic of Junk Food, or "Only in America"

First there was the $100 hamburger. Now someone's invented the Ballpark Sandwich. It consists of a hamburger paddy topped with cheese and 2 slices of bacon, all sandwiched between a sliced Krispy Kreme doughnut. Uggh. It weighs in at 1000 calories and 45g fat. Barf.

He forgot the Diet Coke

Yesterday there was a very large man in front of me in line at the grocery store. His purchases included chocolate cake, chocolate bars, honey roasted almonds, a giant bag of Cracker Jacks (who buys Cracker Jacks anymore?), and Low Fat Bagel Chips with a tub of dip to go with them. This was at 10:30pm.

Bedtime snack perhaps?

Un-Pride

I'm a bad fag. I didn't go down to the Pride celebrations at all on the weekend. The thought of 30+ degree weather plus 1,000,000 people just seemed like it was too much to handle. Plus the last thing I needed was to run into my drunk and possibly high ex, Psycho, and be forced into causing a scene - which I'd be way too willing to do. Still, I feel a little guilty for not showing up.

Instead Q and I spent the weekend with our friend Scott unpacking and cleaning the main floor of the house. Scott's a neat/clean freak who takes charge and commands like Hitler - which is exactly why we needed him there. Both of us get easily distracted and the bitch kept us in line the whole time. But we love him for it.

We took all the paper off the floor, moved all unnecessary boxes upstairs, unpacked and set up our dining room table, chairs and hutch and cleaned, cleaned, cleaned the dust off of everything. We are going to be doing a lot of dusting for a very long time. We set up the dining room table on Saturday, wiped it off a few times, and woke up to it covered in dust again on Sunday morning. Probably cleaned the floors 3 or 4 times too. It's unbelievably satisfying to have an almost complete house. All the dirt, mess and clutter was beginning to frustrate us, but now that everything is coming together we're a lot happier.


Dickey and Wifey came over on Saturday night, and we spent the evening on the deck eating and drinking. In honor of Pride I made martinis and set my iPod on Erasure. All was going well until Dickey decided to walk (plunge) headfirst off the side of the deck. Lucky for him that area is filled with bags and bags of paper and tons of cardboard. If those weren't there, or he had moved just a few more inches, someone would have been calling 911. As it was, once we realized he was OK, we laughed our asses off - especially Wifey. How compassionate.

In his defence, it was dark (we don't have a light out there yet) and there was no railing. Hmm, maybe building codes do exist for a reason. Once the house is finished, we plan on getting that rectified.

I need a seatbelt

The road that this wagon's on is a bit bumpy. I keep falling off. I fell off the night of Dickey's stag but climbed right back on Monday morning. All was good until his wedding day when I went ass over tea kettle over the side and was left in the ditch. After drinking vodka all night I was too drunk to catch up and just layed there watching the wagon disappear into the sunset.

Monday and Tuesday saw me running furiously down the road to catch it. I hopped on, slipped and fell off again both days. On Wednesday I managed to grab hold with one hand and now I'm being dragged through the dirt and mud trying desperately to climb back on board, holding on by a few measley fingers.

God, I want a cigarrette.

I'm Bored

Yup. Bored.

I'm currently at a client's office migrating them from Exchange 2000 to Exchange 2003. There are Gigs and Gigs of data so the transfer is taking forever. It's 7:36 and there are at least 2 hours of transferring left to go. It's not an easy process either. Adding another mail server is a difficult, intricate job - virtually impossible without some sort of guide to help you along. Makes me wonder how they ever designed the process in the first place.

Why in the hell would you keep 5867 items in your Outlook deleted items folder?? Why in the hell do people store stuff in the trash? Do they do that at home?

Hmm where should I put my passport? Oh, I know! I'll throw it in the garbage!! It should be safe there. Nothing in the garbage ever disappears. It's the best place to put things - ever.

Sheesh. I've had people get upset at me for emptying their Deleted Items. "There was important stuff in there!" they screamed. "You're a retard!!" I didn't scream back. So I don't empty things anymore.

Did I mention I'm bored? I thought of masturbating to pass the time, but I didn't want to leave a mess or get caught by the cleaning lady. In honour of Tornwordo, I've let a few go since there's no one around, but they didn't smell like egg sandwiches.

I'm also sitting at the most anti-ergonomic desk. I think I have a case of Instant Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Just add milk!

Watched America's Got Talent last night. In case you hadn't heard, it's a Simon Cowell Gong Show type show with Regis as the host and some Brit, Brandy and David Hasselhoff as the judges. I usually hate these shows, but was instantly hooked. Standout Stud of the Night Award went out to the juggling guy in the red shirt, who was very cute and had a hot little bod. I wanted to see him juggle my balls in his mouth. He could have at least taken his shirt off. Anyways, he's coming back to the next round which I will be eagerly awaiting.

It's amazing how unbelievably ignorant and stupid people are. There was a woman on who had a trained bird who would make certain sounds on queue. Cute, but nothing special. However Regis asked her what the bird's name was,

"Wazoo" she answered.

"That's an interesting name for a bird. Where did you come up with that?" Regis enquired.

"It's french for "bird"" she answered, looking at Regis like he was a complete and total idot.

FRENCH FOR BIRD??? Câlice! Il y a un wazoo dans mon oreille. Il a volé dans ma tête hier.

Va chier avec vos wazoos and shove a tabernac or two up your twat bitch.

I hope she took her teeth out.

I had a dream last night that I almost had sex with Florence Henderson - almost. She was in a room and there was me, Jesse Metcalf (who I'd much rather have sex with) and another guy waiting outside in the hall. One guy went in, did the deed and left, then Jesse went in, did the deed and left, and then it was my turn. I didn't really want to do it, but walked in anyways. Thankfully she was too tired from the other two (who weren't in there very long I might add), and we sat and talked instead.

Help. Me.

Always a Bridesmaid

As you've probably read everywhere else, Dickey's wedding was an absolute blast. The weather was great, the venue was beautiful, the service was touching, the food was awesome, the drinks were free and some of the caterers had the tightest, cutest little butts which complimented the cute little hamburgers. Congrats to Dickey and Wifey for planning and pulling off a perfect day. Soon it will be baby baby baby!!!

This weekend made realize two things:

1. I want to get married
2. When I do, I'll be a blubbering idiot.

Are you as dumb as....

A. A post
B. A doornail
C. Dirt

I swear that must be on the application for anyone wishing to enter the UFC. Of course I watch it anyways. Who can resist hot, sweaty, stupid men wrestling around half naked in a ring?

It rang true just how dumb and immature these guys really are while watching last night's episode (just let me preface with the fact that I rarely make it through an entire episode before I get bored of waiting for locker room shots and turn the channel). Apparently someone wrote "Rory is gay" on Rory's groceries, so Rory decided to get even and deface the equipment of the guys who he thought had done it. He took a glove and rammed it up and down between his bare asscheeks, (which was all pixellated - phooey) and I wished it was my face he'd grabbed. Then he took a marker and wrote "Jesse like boys" (sic) on someone else's glove, and wrote some other stupid, gramatically incorrect thing on another person's gym bag or t-shirt or something.

After he left the other guys came in and were all pissed off, so they took his equipment and hid it in different spots in the gym. Then some other guy took Rory's head gear, held it over the toilet and pissed in it (no I don't wish it was my face he'd grabbed). Rory comes back and is all pissed off because his stuff is missing (they never showed if he found out about the piss helmet or not) and confronts the guys. They were all like "You vandalized our stuff!" and Rory was like "well you wrote Rory Is Gay on my groceries" and they were like "No we didn't!! Did you even bother asking us if we'd done it??" and Rory said "No" and was like "well then who did?" and they said "It was Kendal asshole!" and he was all "well I may have been wrong and written on your stuff and shoved it up my ass, but that still doesn't mean you can steal mine!" and they were all like totally "Fuck you Rory!!"

So then Rory goes over to Kendal, who's his teammate and is all "What the fuck did you do that for?" and Kendal was like "Dude I thought it was funny." and Rory says "Why in the hell didn't you say anything?? You knew how far I'd go to get back at them!! You knew! Why would you do something like that??" and Kendal was like "Dude, I just wanted to see how far you'd go! Ahuh ahuh ahuh." Then cut to the confessional cam where Kendal says "I'm totally taking my gym stuff home with me tonight!! ahuh ahuh ahuh ahuh duuuude." And then, to top it all off, they kicked off the cute deaf guy.

I wish they'd show them fighting in the showers or something instead.

I was listening to the radio

the other day and Macy Gray came on. I never realized how much she sounded like Donald Duck.

I try to say goodbye but I quack.
Try to walk away but I waddle.

Fundamentally

I've been waiting, in excruciating pain, to get Fundamental - the new Pet Shop Boys CD. The regular release is available already, but the double CD limited edition is not. It won't be here until June 27th. I debated on buying the regular now and then the double later just to get my fix, and was still undecided when Dickey asked me last week if I wanted a copy, since he had one that was procured from some magical land and automagically transformed into mp3's. OF COURSE I WANTED A FREAKING COPY!!

Now before anyone gets all upitty about stealing music, let me make one thing perfectly clear - I still buy music. If I get ahold of a copy of something and really like it, then I feel that the artist deserves my money and support and I buy it. If I give it couple of listens and think it's crap, then no, they can't have my money. I'll be buying this on June 27th for sure.

Fundamental/Fundamentalism is a fantastic album and I was thrilled to learn that they'd teamed up with Trevor Horn. He's such an amazing producer and it shows. I've listened to it too many times already.

Current Favourite Track: It's hard to choose, but I'd say Casanova In Hell. It's a great story/song inspired by Casanova's Homecoming by Arthur Schnitzler - a novel about Casanova as an old man of 53 who's looks, charm and money are all gone.

Runner up: The Sodom and Gomorrah Show - a beautiful, over the top, theatrical, political, typical PSB song.

I need to start selling again

The Starbucks by my office rotates their artwork every few months. This month they are featuring a series of paintings by artist that are mostly paintings of trees with crisp, vibrant and sharp colours, yet are very simple. It's the kind of work that I find very appealing.

I was considering buying one until I saw the price. Am I being cheap and/or naive, or is $150 for a 5"x5" painting a little much?

File under J, or maybe T.

I know, I know. All this "someone searched for puppies fucking and they somehow ended up on my blog" stuff is getting a little boring, but come on:

Jem Transexual???

Titty Titty Bang Bang

As Dickey aleady pointed out, the Saturday Night Stag was a blast. Bar A (as he likes to call it) was a lot of fun. Hadn't been there in a number of years and was pleasantly surprised. The straight boys handled themselves quite well for their first time at a gay bar, and even enjoyed themselves. After a number of vodkas I got a little loose-lipped and vaguely remember declaring out loud that "P is really cute - for an accountant," referring to S's friend who joined us for the evening. Well, he was cute.

I sobered up as we left Bar A and headed for Strip Club B. I'd never been to straight strip joint before, and was a little nervous realizing that I was going to be very close to naked vaginas. But I survived. Having been dragged to a few gay strip clubs, I could never understand the appeal. After the straight one, I still don't get it. It's so fake and desperate. The girls on stage looked completely bored, like they were trying to remember their grocery list while dancing:

Hmm... let's see, now I need eggs and milk, grab pole swing, and juice. What should I get this week? Swing. Orange and maybe some lemonade. Crouch jiggle jiggle. Maybe I'll make pork chops, leg up, on Tuesday so I should get some of those, sliiiiide, and hamburger, roll and up. It's always good to hip thrust have boob thrust extra ass thrust hamburger head shake around.

I'm also pretty sure that if any of them fell forward, they'd bounce right back up without their hands touching the floor. The bar also charged $10 for a Corona. We all stopped drinking right around then.

Thankfully, there was much more excitement to be found off stage. Mr Tenty White Pants over to my left kept both Q and I busy for most of the night. He looked like he needed some relief, and we were both willing to help him out. Then S's girlfriend got angry at him for doing absolutely nothing and stormed out. It took about 5 minutes for her friend to realize she'd left. Actually it wasn't until after we interrupted her phone conversation to inform her that she noticed. Then, in a surprise move, girlfriend came back. She was on the phone but stormed up to S, bitched, and when he tried to answer her she walked about 6 feet away and stood there - still on the phone. Great entertainment.

I must confess one thing though. I was naughty naughty naughty and smoked a cigarette or two. Haven't had one or craved one since Sunday morning so I think I'm OK. As long as I don't see any more titties or vaginas, I think I'll be fine.

Coming Soon

I saw this on the shelf at Blockbuster on the weekend. I just have to see it.




Santa (Goldberg) is actually Satan, who 1,000 years ago lost a curling match to an angel. For a millennia, Satan/Santa had to be a good, giving and jolly fellow. But now the bet, and Santa’s good cheer are over as the ruler of hell has a naughty list and he aims to fill it. It will suddenly dawn on police what the once beloved Santa’s modus operandi is when the map in their mock station is filled with dozens of coloured tacks indicating crime scenes. As the bodies pile up, they realize the pins on the map are taking on the shape of a Christmas tree, giving authorities a clue as to where the naughty elf will strike next.

Transy Pansy Wansy

Watched Transamerica on the weekend. It's an excellent movie. Felicity Huffman must be proud. However I'm left with 2 questions:

1. How does Felicity feel knowing that when the casting agents needed someone who looked like a man trying to look like woman, she fit the description?

2. Why do drag queens and transvestites like travelling across the country so much? After watching Prescilla, To Wong Foo, and Transamerica I'm thinking of quitting my day job and opening up my own bus line (Pinkhound???), so trannies can travel in comfort instead of having to buy some beat up old jalopy to get back home.

SPAM SPAM SPAM SPAM!!!

Just got tickets for Spamalot today! Forth row center! Can't wait.

August 30th can't come soon enough.

Wankle rotary engine.

Grunties.

Fixit Tip #1

Scenario: You're moving out of your apartment and after taking down all the shelving , you're left with big, gaping holes where you put bolts in the wall to hold up the shelves because you wanted an industrial look but in reality you just drilled huge holes for bolts that were too long and now you're left with a number of peep holes that look into the kitchen from the living room (and vise versa). So what do you do??

Answer: Take paper towel, stuff it into the holes and seal the ends with Polyfil. You've just saved yourself some time and money, and no one need ever know.