Warning - Long family rant

So the parental problems continue. They were supposed to call me on Thursday to let me know if they were coming up or not. Of course I didn't hear anything that night or Friday night, because I have nothing else better to do with my time than wait around for them. Friday night I went out with some coworkers for a few drinks at Devil's Martini. I had quite a few and got in late. So Saturday morning I peeled myself out of bed, slightly hung over with a headache, hadn't had my breakfast, coffee or cigarette yet and I found this message on my answering machine (picture it in a pathetic, self-loathing tone):

Hi this is your mother, I'm not sure if I want to own up to that but I guess it's the truth. I guess your father and I are going to come up tomorrow. Call me back whenever it's convenient for you.

WTF?? She doesn't want to own up to being my mother???? What an awful, hurtful thing to say!! This was completely out of the blue. As far as I was concerned we had worked through our last differences, came to an understanding and things were getting back on track. Now this - completely unprovoked.

So I called her back and asked her just exactly what did she mean by her message. Her response was that she was joking - she clearly wasn't. Then she said she was just in a bad mood and to forget about it. I said no. Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean that you can call me up and dump on me and try to make me feel like shit (Psycho used to do that to me all the time and I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again, so this was a real sore spot for me). To which she replied "Well someone's in a bitchy mood this morning"

WRONG. THING. TO. SAY.

I lost it. I saw red. I started shaking. I told her that she's been a miserable bitch lately and I was sick and tired of it. I called her selfish and childish, which she is. I said a lot of things. I said everything. I don't even remember all the things I said.

At some point my poor father walked into the house, completely unaware as to what was going on, only to find my mother yelling on the phone. She pulled her usual trick of running away in the middle of an argument except this time she just handed the phone over to him. Poor guy got an earful from me before I even knew he was on the phone.

Once he was able to calm me down, I explained to him just what had transpired this morning and how unbelievably hurt and upset I was by it. He understood. For the first time in my life he actually listened to what I was telling him. He didn't defend her at all. He actually said some very nice things that I've wanted to hear from them for quite a long time. I feel like I actually got through to him - for the first time ever. He said that they were still coming up, but I told him not to bother. I didn't want to see her if she's going to treat me like that.

After that I called my sister, who was also upset by what had gone on. Q and I went down to visit her and the kids and we were able to talk it out and make me feel somewhat better. Of course she didn't take it to well and went down last night to talk to them. As usual my mother couldn't look past herself to see that she'd hurt my feelings. Only that I'd hurt hers and that I owed her an apology. However she owed me nothing. Again, my father didn't defend her and is starting to come around.

Last night I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was how unbelievably selfish and self centered she is. And how I didn't understand how she could go around spewing venomous things at her children and not only be surprised at the reaction, but also feel like she didn't deserve it and she's completely innocent. What has become abundantly clear is that she hates herself and has no self esteem and is lashing out at everyone else. Furthermore she's quite comfortable living in misery and having shit to complain about. What she isn't comfortable with is that we are no longer having any part of it and are fighting back. She's losing control and freaking out and blaming everyone else for her problems.

I decided that I'm going down there tonight in a final effort to get her to come around. They don't know how to communicate so consequently they know nothing about my life. In fact it's safe to say that they don't even know who I am at this point. So I'm going to go down and tell them everything. They think that dealing with problems means not talking about them and hoping they go away. I'm going to show them exactly what that does to a person.

I'm going to start off by telling them I'm gay and how difficult it was for me growing up knowing that. It's not like they don't know, but it's never been openly acknowledged or discussed. So I'm going to throw that out on the table. I'm not going to keep silent anymore. For them to deny that fact is to deny a fundamental part of who I am, and I won't do that anymore. I'm not going to pretend or act like I'm not a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l from this point on, and tell them how denying that fact has impacted my life.

I'm also going to tell them about The Walrus, and how extremely jealous and possessive he was. And how after leaving him I still felt like shit but never talked about it. Instead I turned to partying and doing drugs to try to make me forget and feel better.

I'm going to tell them what they didn't know about Psycho. How he was emotionally and verbally abusive. How he put me down every chance he got and how I was always to blame for his mistakes. Then I'll tell them how it progressed and he started drinking a lot - to the point that he would black out and lose total control. How I not only became the recipient of his spiteful words and actions, but also the recipient of his fists as well. I'll tell them about all the times I had to run out of the house at 3 am fearing for my life while he hurled awful insults and hate at me. I'll tell them I could still hear him yelling at me from 3 blocks away.

Then I'll continue with how I left him and everything I had and how I had to start my life over again, but because we never talk about issues in our family I couldn't turn to them for help. Furthermore since I still didn't deal with things and I felt a lot of guilt and shame for being a victim of abuse, I started toying with drugs again.

Then I'll explain to them how when I met Q, things turned around. He was different than all the rest, respected me and made me feel good about myself. However the events of the past left me with a lot of anger, which caused me to be angry all the time. I used to frequently get upset and storm out of the house for a walk, because I didn't think that Q deserved to bear the brunt of my anger. Given my history I knew how unfair that was. Then there was the time I got sick. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me, yet I was overwhelmed by this unbelievable pain and discomfort in my stomach all the time. I felt like shit and I looked like shit and anything I ate made me feel worse. The only thing that began to help was seeing a naturopath and getting herbal medicines and acupuncture.

Then I'll tell them about going to see a therapist and how it turned my life around. How working through all the shit I had never dealt with before made me feel better not only emotionally, but physically as well. Those months where I was sick was all due to stress and keeping things bottled up for so long. Now that I'm talking through my problems, my life has turned around and I feel so much better about myself. It's given me the courage to stand up for myself and decide what I will and will not put up with.

I just want them to understand that they way they've been dealing with things doesn't work and that getting help isn't such a bad thing. And also that unless my mother has an attitude adjustment, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I wouldn't keep any friends around who acted that way, and just because she's my mother doesn't give her the right to do it either. She has a choice and it's up to her to decide if she really and truly wants a happy family (which we never really had in the first place) which also means taking other people's feelings into consideration, or if she just wants to put herself first as usual and be a miserable old cow for the rest of her life. And in all honesty, being miserable and crying the victim is what she's used to and what she's comfortable with, so I'll see just how badly she wants this.

/RANT

*update* I just called me father to tell him I was coming down after work. There's no turning back now. I need a drink - or ten.