Vag The Beaver

Silly Germans! Don't they know that giving the name Vag to a beaver is akin to having a cat named Pussy? I think this has to do with water valves or something.

I'm a good boyfriend

Q's 40th birthday is coming up next week. So to celebrate the occasion I've rented us the "Chairman Suite" on the top floor of the Westin Harbour Castle for Saturday night. This room has a separate living room (with flat screen TV), dining room and bedroom - with a bathroom in each! Since I know a few people in the hotel industry, I was also able to get the hotel to send up complimentary wine and cheese. I also got a $1000+ room for $350. I love my job sometimes, I get to meet so many different people from different industries.

We're going out to Auberge du Pommier for dinner, where I also have a contact who's going to hook us up with something, just don't know yet. While we're out for dinner, the hotel's going to send up a bar fridge with glasses and some friends are going to set up the room for a small party. I'm hoping it will all be a surprise. I haven't told him a thing and he claims to never read my blog.

He's such a difficult person to buy for (I keep getting calls from his family asking what they should get him - I tell them I have no idea). He'll never tell you what he wants because he wants it to be a surprise. Me, I make sure everybody knows - I forgo the subtle hints. So since I couldn't think of what to get him, I thought a night out being spoiled would do just fine. Just have to find the perfect birthday card somewhere....

I should have been on FAME

Last night I had a dream that I was in a dance class. Me and 2 other people had to come up with an interpretive dance for a sappy, American Idol-esque song about the death of David Caruso. I woke up before the class was over, but I'm pretty sure mine was the best.

Do they sell a Hello Kitty Brand?

I know that it's illegal to sell cigarettes to minors, but is it illegal to buy them from the 12 year old girl working behind the counter at the convenience store? I wanted to ask the owner, but there weren't any adults around.

I guess if you can sell alcohol at the age of 18, but can't drink until 19, anything's possible.

Happy FNT!!

Ever wonder what Survivor host Jeff Probst looked like naked? Come on, admit it. It has crossed your mind once or twice. Well wonder no more!! If I was stuck on a desert island with that man, I could survive for weeks on that slab of meat.

There's also a Survivor contestant who's done a little porn too.

Needless to say - NSFW.

Question

Why is "The War At Home' still on TV?? It's awful. It surpasses "Everybody Loves Raymond" in it's stupidity.

Ugh.

Rush hour

Q and I have a simple morning routine - the alarm goes off at some ungodly hour in the morning and he gets up. Before he leaves, he re-sets the alarm for 6:45. At 6:45 the radio starts blaring, I open my eyes for a brief second and fall back asleep. Sometimes it's for a few minutes and sometimes it's for 45min to and hour, which isn't good (with the radio still blaring a few feet from my head this whole entire time).

This morning was different. I woke up and it was quiet - too quiet. There was no radio. I turned towards the clock to face the inevitable - 9:00am. Jump out of bed, jump into shower, throw on clothes, throw food at cats, grab powerbar, run out door - 9:20. A new record! It usually takes me close to an hour to get my ass out the door.

Now normally I'd be pissed that he forgot to set the alarm, but I wasn't. It was beautiful and sunny outside for the first time in weeks and best of all, I had an amazing sleep. I feel great. It was just what I needed.

Though I think I'll dig out the other alarm clock anyways - just in case.

Urges

Today as I was standing in line at Starbucks waiting to order my tall, lactose free, no whip, (insert 20 adjectives here), hot chocolate, I had a sudden urge to turn and lick the cheek of the woman standing beside me. And not just a little lick, but a full-on, bull dog sized, big, sloppy sluuuurrrp up the side of the face. Just to see her reaction.

I didn't. I don't know what the hell came over me.

Therapy

Last night I started working on another photo to add to the others that I've been working on. After more than an hour I undid all the changes I'd made and was right back to square one. I'm beginning to think that the image is disturbing enough, and doesn't need any more help.

Click for larger image.

Unbelievably Helpful

I spend most of my days fighting with servers, computers, every single Microsoft Product out there and Bell. I also like to throw in a dash of Stupid User every once in a while too. Yesterday I was combing through the error logs of a server, trying to find out why Exchange (which runs the email) refused to start right away whenever the server was rebooted. This is what I found:

--------------------

Event Type: Error
Event Source: Service Control Manager
Event Category: None
Event ID: 7001
Date: 11/10/2006
Time: 4:12:24 PM
User: N/A
Computer: ******
Description:
The Microsoft Exchange Information Store service depends on the Microsoft Exchange System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following error:

The operation completed successfully.
-----------------------

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what I have to deal with.

Blargh.

My brain's still fried. I haven't been able to concentrate on much, including blogging and reading blogs. It's been suggested to me that since I've released all the anger and resentment towards my parents that I may sub-consciously be looking for something else to be angry about to fill that void. Being angry is my safe place, and what I'm used to. Isn't that fucked? I'm not saying it's not true, and think it's quite possibly valid, but still.

Even with all of our "logic", humans are still complicated and messy.

Pass the Popcorn

Today I voted for Toronto's mayor and other municipal positions. I have to confess - I had no idea who any of the local councilors were (and didn't really care). On my way to the voting office I saw a sign that said Re-Elect Somebody SomethingOrOther for Ward 32. Sounded good to me. She got in once, can't be all that bad., so I selected her. When I got to the next box to vote for the school trustee, I chose the nicest sounding name. What the hell else was I supposed to do?

Then it was time for the most important vote - Mayor. There are a number of people running in Toronto, but only 3 are in the top contenders:

1. David Miller, our current mayor. He stopped the bridge to the island airport, which I supported, but he's putting a streetcar right-of-way on St. Clair, which I don't support. I work up there and trust me, the construction's a nightmare. He also had CCTV cameras installed downtown which proved successful with the Caribana festival. No one was shot for the first time ever. At least he gets things done.

2. Jane Pitfield, miss pointy pointy fingers. She seems kind of fake, and bitchy. Her campaign promises aren't anything special and she points all the time with her bony, witchy finger which I find bothersome.

3. Stephen LeDrew, aka Orville Redenbacher. A big part of politics is style and presentation. Wearing oversized, clear, plastic framed glasses (although recently he's switched to Sally Jesse Rafael Red), a nerdy bow tie, and having eyebrows longer than an 80 year old man's pubes just doesn't cut it. Would you want to see that face repeatedly on TV any more than we've been subject to? Please somebody attack his face with a pair of clippers.

So I voted Miller back in. I've seen the city change since he's been in and I'll give him another chance to make more things happen.

Do everyone a favour - get out there and vote. We're privileged enough to be afforded the opportunity and there's no reason why someone can't take a few minutes out of their day to exercise the right they've been given. Even your employer must give you a maximum of 3 hours to do it, so there's no excuse. DO IT!

You keep on pushing my love.....over the Borderline

At the advice of Ed, I looked up the definition of Borderline Personality Disorder online. Here it is and how it applies to Psycho:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5...........check
   
   
2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation...........check
   
   
3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self..........check
   
   
4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5...........check
   
   
5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior........surprisingly no, unless you consider emotional suicide.
   
   
6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)..........check
   
   
7. chronic feelings of emptiness..........check
   
   
8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)..........check
   
   
9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms..........check

So there you have it - 8 out of a possible 9 symptoms. I was, by definition, dating a wacko. I'd love to anonymously send this list to him, but it wouldn't be any fun if I couldn't see the reaction.

Catch up.

Last night I finally got to see Ed-blrblrblrble for the first time in about 2 years.

Ed and I met the summer that I left Psycho. In fact Ed was unwittingly responsible for my leaving the retarded bastard. But it's not what you think.

Ed was living in Toronto for the summer because of his job. Psycho and I met him during the last part of his stay and we all became friends (not to mention I was extremely attracted to him). Psycho was also drinking a lot during this time, and so was I - but not out of control. We were just regularly frequenting the bars and enjoying the summer. So one Sunday I went out of town to see my folks, and by midday the feelings of dread were setting in. By this point I had an uncanny ability to predict when Psycho was going to go off his rocker well before it would happen - kind of like when you have an old injury and it begins to hurt every time it's going to rain. When I got home that evening the house was empty. I knew right then and there that he was out drinking, would come home completely trashed, and all hell would break loose.

A few hours later the door opens with Ed trying to hold up Psycho as they walked through the door. Psycho was upset. He saw someone at the bar who did or said something or other to hurt his feelings. He started crying and explaining it to me and since it was something ridiculously stupid and he was drunk (which is putting it lightly) I had absolutely no sympathy for him. When he realized that I didn't really give a fuck if someone told him he had bad hair (or whatever it was) the switch went off. The moping turned to rage and he exploded - just as I knew he would. It got scary. The coffee table went flying. I left the house.

What made things different this time around is that Ed was there. Up until this point, no one had ever witnessed the hell that I was repeatedly put through. But Ed saw it. He saw it all. Then a very strange thing happened - so did I. For a brief moment I was able to take myself out of the picture and see the situation through someone else's eyes - for what it really was. I left the house and sat across the street wondering what the hell I should do. The gravity of the situation crushed me. The perfect life that I had built for myself was all a lie. A complete farce. I was living with a demon. Ed followed me out and we talked for a bit and he decided to go back inside to try to calm Psycho down. I told him it was fruitless. A few minutes later he came back out - you can't reason with a madman.

So here I was sitting outside of my house, knowing that I could never go back there but had no where else to go. Out of desperation I turned to Ed, a man that I'd only known for a few weeks, and asked if I could stay with him for the night. I wouldn't have blamed him if he'd said no. I think must people would have gotten themselves as far away from the situation as quickly as possible, and rightly so. But Ed said yes and I stayed the night at his place.

The next day I came home after work and Psycho was hung over and as usual had completely blacked out and had no recollection of what had transpired. As usual I filled him in, he apologized and thought all was well. The next day I went to work, went to the gym, made up my mind, came home, packed my bags and left - much to Psycho's surprise. My friend Jennie had offered me a place to stay a few weeks prior and I decided to take her up on the offer.

In a strange twist of events, Ed called me to see how I was doing as I was walking to my car with suitcase in hand. I told him that I'd just left Psycho. Ed was out eating and drinking with some people and insisted that I join them. I did and I smiled. I smiled the whole drive over there. I smiled the entire time we sat there eating, drinking and chatting. I smiled because I was free.

I didn't end up going to Jennie's that night. I went and stayed with Ed. He was only in town for another week and we spent those last few days together. It was intense experience emotionally, physically and sexually for the both of us. He held me when the implications of what I'd just done, and what I'd put up with for so long came crashing down on me. My world had completely fallen apart (which in itself wasn't a bad thing in retrospect) and this man, who I barely knew, helped me through it all. We stayed close for quite a while after that, even meeting up a couple of times over the years, but eventually began to drift.

It had been almost 2 years since we'd last seen each other and had a real heart to heart talk. I was nervous last night. I've changed and grown up so much since then that I wasn't sure if we'd connect anymore. I'm not the same person he knew. Thankfully that wasn't the case. You know you've got a strong bond with someone when years can go by, but when you see them, it's like it was only yesterday. We had a great night.

When people ask Ed how he knows me, he sometimes tells them that he was sent down one night to be my guardian angel. It sounds corny, but I believe it's true. Without him I wouldn't have seen my situation through his eyes. I wouldn't have had the support I needed to see me through. I may have waited until something really horrible happened before leaving Psycho. I don't believe it was merely a coincidence.

Some things just happen for a reason.

Feeling better

Had an appointment with my therapist yesterday, who was impressed at my courage and honesty. Frankly, so am I.

One thing that's become painfully clear to me now is this - I was a good kid, never got into any trouble, did well in school and had a good group of friends. My parents figured that I had a good head on my shoulders, was a good judge of character and it never occured to them that I could get into any trouble or would run into any problems in life, or to even ask. Sad.

I guess they thought I was super human or something.

Uncomfortable

My parents now know intimate details of my life. I've kept my life so hidden from them for so long that it feels very, very uncomfortable. I don't like it. It had to be done, and I do feel better on some levels but I still don't like it.

I feel like there's some sort of void right now. There are walls missing and I'm not used to all the free space yet.

Ick.

Thank god that's over

Well that's over with. It went better than expected. I sat down and told them everything that I said I would. The reaction wasn't all over dramatic like I'd expected (and rehearsed in my mind). I basically sat and told them to listen to what I had to say and then we could talk. and they did.

My parents were under the illusion that my life was perfect, that everything it it was peachy keen and that nothing bad ever happened to me. It didn't even occur to them that anything like that could happen. Talk about a reality check.

In all it ended on a good note. I feel better but I also feel very strange. I've kept myself so guarded from them for so long that it feels foreign to have let them into my life. I also don't know what to do from here. Until this point I always had a plan. My secret weapon was "if they only knew what my life was really like." And now they know. I followed through and don't know what to do from this point on. One day at a time I guess.

I'm tired and going to bed. Hopefully this will be much clearer in the morning.

Thanks for all the support.

Warning - Long family rant

So the parental problems continue. They were supposed to call me on Thursday to let me know if they were coming up or not. Of course I didn't hear anything that night or Friday night, because I have nothing else better to do with my time than wait around for them. Friday night I went out with some coworkers for a few drinks at Devil's Martini. I had quite a few and got in late. So Saturday morning I peeled myself out of bed, slightly hung over with a headache, hadn't had my breakfast, coffee or cigarette yet and I found this message on my answering machine (picture it in a pathetic, self-loathing tone):

Hi this is your mother, I'm not sure if I want to own up to that but I guess it's the truth. I guess your father and I are going to come up tomorrow. Call me back whenever it's convenient for you.

WTF?? She doesn't want to own up to being my mother???? What an awful, hurtful thing to say!! This was completely out of the blue. As far as I was concerned we had worked through our last differences, came to an understanding and things were getting back on track. Now this - completely unprovoked.

So I called her back and asked her just exactly what did she mean by her message. Her response was that she was joking - she clearly wasn't. Then she said she was just in a bad mood and to forget about it. I said no. Just because you're in a bad mood doesn't mean that you can call me up and dump on me and try to make me feel like shit (Psycho used to do that to me all the time and I swore I'd never let anyone do that to me again, so this was a real sore spot for me). To which she replied "Well someone's in a bitchy mood this morning"

WRONG. THING. TO. SAY.

I lost it. I saw red. I started shaking. I told her that she's been a miserable bitch lately and I was sick and tired of it. I called her selfish and childish, which she is. I said a lot of things. I said everything. I don't even remember all the things I said.

At some point my poor father walked into the house, completely unaware as to what was going on, only to find my mother yelling on the phone. She pulled her usual trick of running away in the middle of an argument except this time she just handed the phone over to him. Poor guy got an earful from me before I even knew he was on the phone.

Once he was able to calm me down, I explained to him just what had transpired this morning and how unbelievably hurt and upset I was by it. He understood. For the first time in my life he actually listened to what I was telling him. He didn't defend her at all. He actually said some very nice things that I've wanted to hear from them for quite a long time. I feel like I actually got through to him - for the first time ever. He said that they were still coming up, but I told him not to bother. I didn't want to see her if she's going to treat me like that.

After that I called my sister, who was also upset by what had gone on. Q and I went down to visit her and the kids and we were able to talk it out and make me feel somewhat better. Of course she didn't take it to well and went down last night to talk to them. As usual my mother couldn't look past herself to see that she'd hurt my feelings. Only that I'd hurt hers and that I owed her an apology. However she owed me nothing. Again, my father didn't defend her and is starting to come around.

Last night I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was how unbelievably selfish and self centered she is. And how I didn't understand how she could go around spewing venomous things at her children and not only be surprised at the reaction, but also feel like she didn't deserve it and she's completely innocent. What has become abundantly clear is that she hates herself and has no self esteem and is lashing out at everyone else. Furthermore she's quite comfortable living in misery and having shit to complain about. What she isn't comfortable with is that we are no longer having any part of it and are fighting back. She's losing control and freaking out and blaming everyone else for her problems.

I decided that I'm going down there tonight in a final effort to get her to come around. They don't know how to communicate so consequently they know nothing about my life. In fact it's safe to say that they don't even know who I am at this point. So I'm going to go down and tell them everything. They think that dealing with problems means not talking about them and hoping they go away. I'm going to show them exactly what that does to a person.

I'm going to start off by telling them I'm gay and how difficult it was for me growing up knowing that. It's not like they don't know, but it's never been openly acknowledged or discussed. So I'm going to throw that out on the table. I'm not going to keep silent anymore. For them to deny that fact is to deny a fundamental part of who I am, and I won't do that anymore. I'm not going to pretend or act like I'm not a h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l from this point on, and tell them how denying that fact has impacted my life.

I'm also going to tell them about The Walrus, and how extremely jealous and possessive he was. And how after leaving him I still felt like shit but never talked about it. Instead I turned to partying and doing drugs to try to make me forget and feel better.

I'm going to tell them what they didn't know about Psycho. How he was emotionally and verbally abusive. How he put me down every chance he got and how I was always to blame for his mistakes. Then I'll tell them how it progressed and he started drinking a lot - to the point that he would black out and lose total control. How I not only became the recipient of his spiteful words and actions, but also the recipient of his fists as well. I'll tell them about all the times I had to run out of the house at 3 am fearing for my life while he hurled awful insults and hate at me. I'll tell them I could still hear him yelling at me from 3 blocks away.

Then I'll continue with how I left him and everything I had and how I had to start my life over again, but because we never talk about issues in our family I couldn't turn to them for help. Furthermore since I still didn't deal with things and I felt a lot of guilt and shame for being a victim of abuse, I started toying with drugs again.

Then I'll explain to them how when I met Q, things turned around. He was different than all the rest, respected me and made me feel good about myself. However the events of the past left me with a lot of anger, which caused me to be angry all the time. I used to frequently get upset and storm out of the house for a walk, because I didn't think that Q deserved to bear the brunt of my anger. Given my history I knew how unfair that was. Then there was the time I got sick. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with me, yet I was overwhelmed by this unbelievable pain and discomfort in my stomach all the time. I felt like shit and I looked like shit and anything I ate made me feel worse. The only thing that began to help was seeing a naturopath and getting herbal medicines and acupuncture.

Then I'll tell them about going to see a therapist and how it turned my life around. How working through all the shit I had never dealt with before made me feel better not only emotionally, but physically as well. Those months where I was sick was all due to stress and keeping things bottled up for so long. Now that I'm talking through my problems, my life has turned around and I feel so much better about myself. It's given me the courage to stand up for myself and decide what I will and will not put up with.

I just want them to understand that they way they've been dealing with things doesn't work and that getting help isn't such a bad thing. And also that unless my mother has an attitude adjustment, I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I wouldn't keep any friends around who acted that way, and just because she's my mother doesn't give her the right to do it either. She has a choice and it's up to her to decide if she really and truly wants a happy family (which we never really had in the first place) which also means taking other people's feelings into consideration, or if she just wants to put herself first as usual and be a miserable old cow for the rest of her life. And in all honesty, being miserable and crying the victim is what she's used to and what she's comfortable with, so I'll see just how badly she wants this.

/RANT

*update* I just called me father to tell him I was coming down after work. There's no turning back now. I need a drink - or ten.

Smoking is bad for you

Lighting up the filter and trying to smoke that is even worse.

Coffee hadn't kicked in yet.

Shut in

Last night I locked the doors, closed the blinds and turned off all the lights. I didn't feel like giving any candy to the greedy ghetto children in my neighbourhood. I realize that there are lots of perfectly nice, candy coated kiddies in the 'hood too, but too bad for them. Call me a grinch. Instead I sat on my computer, organized my music collection and did my expense report. How exciting.

Later I was watching the news and CityTV had their super annoying weather man dressed as the Count from Sesame Street stationed in Church St. Nothing like hearing the weatherman scream out "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12!! 12 Drag Queens!! Bwah ha ha ha ha!" in an awful Transalvanian accent. Or to hear him say "Look at all the people dressed as soldiers in support of our troops!" Clueless.

I had completely forgotten about the Church St Halloween Street Party. I think this is the first year that I haven't gone down. No big loss. I usually get bored pretty damn quickly anyways. It's not like it used to be. I remember going when there were plenty of fabulous costumes to be found wandering the road. Now it's all suburbanites who come down to view and take pictures of the freaks. "Look! I got a picture of a gay!" Fuck off. I'd guess the number of people watching verses the number of people dressed up was somewhere around 10 to 1.

Organizing mp3's was way more interesting.