Approach with extreme care

Ever wake up from a deep sleep and be really pissed off because you were so rudely awakened and dragged into the shower? Awakened from a deep sleep that's eluded you for an entire week? Who cares if you have to go to work.

On my drive to the office this morning I was hating everything and everyone - including myself. Knowing it was going to be that kind of day, I opted for the Venti Americano at Starfucks. I think I mistakenly ordered the Bucket size it's so huge.

Then I get to work and there's this email with one of those powerpoint files talking about some ass who owned a restaurant and everyone loved him and he made sure to make everyone feel good and when he left, employees followed him blah blah blah. Then one day he's robbed and gets shot and lives through it (too bad - would have made for a better story) and when asked how he keeps such a positive outlook on life and why everyone loves him and why the Pope and the Queen take turns wiping his ass, he says "When I wake up in the morning I have two choices - I can be in bad mood or a good mood. I always choose a good mood. It's that simple."

Ya - well I'm choosing bad mood today motherfucker. Bad Fucking Mood.

Oh, and did I mention that Don't Worry Be Happy was playing in the background of the stupid story as I read it?? Grrr.

I can't really talk about it but...

Let me just say that our justice system sucks. As of yesterday I have no more faith in our legal process whatsiever. It's a system that favours the accused and victimizes the victims once again.

There's nothing more infuriating than watching a case wind its way through the courts for over seven years, be overseen by a biased, gutless, senile judge, make it's way to the highest court in Canada and back, only to be thrown out due to a technicality. Never mind if the accused was guilty or not, never mind that he caused suffering to numerous people, never mind that the victims are still suffering, he gets off because he "suffered" while waiting so long to go to trial. He's now free to re-offend.

In my perfect world, judges would not only be accountable for their actions, they would be liable. If a judge makes a gross error, which is recognized by his peers or higher, then he should be punished or disbarred. You would also be able to make a complaint against a judge, and actually have it go somewhere. The old boys club would be abolished.

To Judge X - you spineless, ball-less, biased, disgusting, senile old fart. FUCK YOU

To the Appeals Court - you're all a bunch of pussies.

To the Supreme Court of Canada - Shame on you for not having the guts to stand up to one of your own.

The only good thing out of all of this is that a precedent was set so that no one can ever pull the same bullshit as Judge X again and rule against the victim.

Think Pink

When I was a kid I used to love watching The Pink Panther. I've always wanted to see it again, but it was never put back on the air. So imagine my delight when I saw The Pink Panther Classic Cartoon Collection last week at HMV. It has 124 episodes plus the animated credits for the movies. I just couldn't resist.

After making it through Disc 1 of 5, (just a couple of shows at a time) I have to say it's cute, it's funny, and it stands the test of time. It's great to see it again through the eyes of an adult, though I now fully understand why today's children won't ever get the chance to see it on TV. Every episode so far involves smoking, boooze, guns or some combination of the three. Even the main title sequence has the Pink Panther smoking, using one of those long cigarette holders.

Unfortunately, I don't think that the FCC of today would approve of an episode where a drunk stumbles home, meets the pink panther, invites him back to his place and then has to hide him from his wife who's angry because he keeps bringing homeless men home every time he gets drunk.

I am not making that up.

I wish everything wasn't so politically correct all the time. I spent my childhood watching violent and racist cartoons like Looney Tunes, Mighty Mouse, Heckle and Jeckle, The Pink Panther, Tom and Jerry (remember when things would blow up in Tom's face and he'd end up with "blackface"??) and I think I turned out OK. I knew the difference between real and fake guns, real and fake violence, and I didn't grow up to be racist - which in itself is a miracle considering the small town I grew up in. But man, I can still totally appreciate the humour.

Ex Marks the Spot

I was working downtown at a client's on Friday and decided to run over to Wendy's for a quick lunch. As I was walking up to the line, I saw hot guy sitting at a table out of the corner of my eye. I turned to take a better look, and what I saw was the same look of shock that had just appeared on my face. It was my ex, J.

He was the one I was with before hooking up with Q. In fact, the 3 of us used to go out a lot together. He didn't take it too well when I broke up with him, even though he saw it coming (just like everyone else). Out of all my ex boyfriends, he's the only one I don't hate. It just didn't work out. I fell in love with my best friend instead. I was also beginning to see some tendencies in J that were setting off alarm bells for me, so that was more incentive to get out while the gettin's good. I didn't want him out of my life, since I thought he was a great guy and a lot of fun. I tried to talk with him and come to some sort of level of understanding so that we could continue some sort of relationship, but he couldn't handle it. I just ended up getting shit on every time we had a conversation. He was acting like I had destroyed a 10 year marriage instead of a 6 month relationship. So I just stopped talking to him. Now I understand why I'd never tried the post-breakup friendship thing before.

So after almost 2 years of not speaking, there he was, right in front of me. We both said some pleasant hellos and I got into line. I was surprised that my first reaction wasn't to give him dirty looks, or say something bitchy, or ignore him or jump over the table and strangle him (which is the case for everyone else in his position). Instead, I actually gave him a heartfelt hello.

As I was standing in line, I realized that the next move was up to me. Do I turn and run? Do I get take out? Do I get my food and go to a table on the other side of the room? All those choices just meant that the next time we saw each other, it would be even more awkward. So I sucked it up, grabbed my tray, walked over to him and asked if he'd like some company for lunch. I sat down and we talked a little. It was nice enough, but he claimed that he was getting ready to leave and couldn't stay long. A little strange for someone who isn't working at the moment. So after less than 5 minutes he left.

I feel good about the whole thing though. At least now I don't feel like I have to be on J watch when I'm in a bar (just Psycho watch). I made my amends as far as I'm concerned. If he still feels uncomfortable, that's his problem. Not much else I can do about it.

Bibliotheque!!!

There seemed to be a lot of French and cursing (Dan) on my blog yesterday, thanks in part to Dominion. Makes me miss the language. After going through French Immersion in school, followed by a Computer Science degree taught primarily in french at Glendon College (a campus of York U), I don't get much of an opportunity to speak or hear it anymore. As a result it's getting pretty rusty. Q and I spent a week at a chalet in Mont Tremblant one summer, which involved a lot of trips into Quebec City. By the end of the trip I was finally getting back into the groove and feeling much more comfortable conversing with people.

Of course my first task was to learn how to order a large coffee with 2 creme and 2 sweetener at Tim Hortons for Q. The first part was no problem, but figuring out and remembering the translation for "sweetener" was another story. Apparently it's something like "succarille" or close to it anyways. I gave the girls at the counter quite a kick trying to repeat and remember that word - every single day. Of course it didn't dawn on me until afterwards that I could have just said "Deux Sugar Twin" and have been done with it. But that wouldn't have been nearly as much fun.

I know that I could have gotten away with speaking English, but when I'm away in another country - err, province - I like to experience the culture and language as much as possible.

Speaking of which, I think I'll book a trip to Montreal soon. It's been a while since I was last there (that's another story all together), but I'm ready to go back and have fun. You Montrealers do know how to enjoy yourselves in the summer. Guess it's to make up for the pubes-freezing winters.

Jungle Love

Q is somewhat of a joker. This past Christmas he decided it would be fun to get a special pair of underwear to wear to his work xmas party. He ended up buying this thong thing with a monkey's face on the front. If that wasn't bad enough it made a noise. If you gave it a little squeeze it would let out this loud, piercing monkey screech. Don't ask what he did with it at the party because I don't even want to know myself.

Afterwards we used it to terrorize the cats, who weren't too keen on monkey screams. Once we all got bored with it, it ended up hanging on the doorknob on our bedroom door. And that's where it stayed.

As you probably know, we're moving. We gave our notice at the end of March and the super has been showing our apartment ever since.

I only realized this morning that the monkey thong had been hanging there all along.

And they call ME a size queen

Ever wonder what your penis would look like if you injected silicone into it every day for the next 6 years? This excerpt from a BBC documentary lets you know. Definitely NSFW.

I find the subject of genital mutation very intriguing. Although it's not something I would ever do to myself, I'm fascinated at what a person gets out of it and what makes them do it. I knew a guy once who was into a similar thing, but only with saline. That way it would be slowly absorbed into his system and would go down in a few days. He'd attach a drip to one side of his scrotum until it was the size he wanted, and then would fill the other half. He'd usually swell it up to the size of a large head of iceberg lettuce. Sometimes he'd use a vacuum pump on his penis to swell it up too. We never had the opportunity to have sex when he was all blown up, but I secretly wanted to. Just for the experience itself and to satisfy my own curiosity.

To each his own.

My brush with death

Last night I dreamed that I died - but that wasn't the end of it.

I was in this old house with a few other people, including Oprah and Kevin Bacon. We soon realized that this house was haunted and then this old lady appeared and told us we were all going to die. However, we would be given a choice of how it was going to happen. We could go quietly, or violently or by some other choices that I don't remember.

We all ran and slowly she caught up with us one by one. I was up on some beams in the ceiling when she appeared and started walking towards me. I realized then that I could either go peacefully or fall to my death down below. So I closed my eyes as she reached for me. Everything went black for a bit and when I came to everything looked different. I don't know how to explain it, but I was looking at the world from the other side.

I was back downstairs with everyone else and they were all dead now too. Oprah had a Bride of Frankenstein look going on, but there was something dreadfully wrong with Kevin Bacon. He looked like and was acting completely retarded (including having that bowl cut that most parents deem fit for their handicapped children. See picture above). I asked the old lady what happened and she said that when you die a temporary copy of yourself is made until the process of death is complete. Unfortunately for Kevin he fell in love with his other half and wanted to marry it (it was already wearing a white wedding dress) so the process never fully completed. He was still dead, but now he was dead, retarded, and married.

I think I woke up shortly after that.

All Systems Go

Had contractor number 1,947,274.95 come by the house today. He was hot. And he smelled real gooooood. He's got the job as far as I'm concerned - any kind of job. As long as he works with his shirt off. Maybe I'll crank the heat just to be sure.

I was impressed by things other than his looks and cologne. He had a lot of great ideas, and a great attention to detail. He pointed out little things to fix or change that I'd never have considered, but make a lot of sense, and will make a big difference - and they aren't costly. He also never said "You'll have to get someone else in to do (fill in the blank)". He took measurements. He wrote things down. Most importantly he will draw up a quote and sit down with us to go over it. You may think that this isn't anything to get excited over, but every single person we've had go through the house has been very non commital and wishy washy. I've also seen the work he's done for Q's sister and it's good. In fact he's currently redoing her basement. Looks like construction for us begins in 3 weeks.

Also had the flooring guy come in. He measured and will get back to us on a price. We'll be getting a maple floor with a dark walnut finish in 2 1/4" wide planks.

The gas company dropped by today too. We want to move the giant, grotesque gas meter from inside the basement to outside. Unfortunately the pipes are steele and old and can't be moved. We'll have to pay $1250.00 for Enbridge to run a new line to a meter outside and then into the house. Bastards. Of course we had to agree since there wasn't any other choice. That will happen in 3 weeks.

Thankfully the plan is now in motion and things are starting to come together. Stress levels are falling and I no longer feel like I want to kill kill kill kill. Plus we came up with 2 ideas that will make us even more happy. Originally we were going to put a 6' bay window on the west wall of our dining room. We decided instead to bring it all the way down to the floor, extending the room by 2 feet. That may not sound like much, but it's a small room to begin with. In the basement we are putting in a 3 piece and decided to make the shower 5x3 with a rain shower faucet in the ceiling and a handheld coming off the wall. Sweet. We wanted to put in multiple fittings so that water would shoot at you from all sides, but that's an extra $5000 that we'd rather not spend.

I know I know. Blah blah house blah house blah blah blah. David Hasselhoff and Finnish dancers are much more interesting. We will be returning to your regularly scheduled programming tomorrow.

iPod therefore iAm

This meme seems to be going around the 'net like syphillus in a bathhouse. Thought I'd give it a try anyways. Pressing Shuffle......

How does the world see you?
Candidate For Love (TS Monk)
Not anymore, I'm practically married.

Will I have a happy life?
Life on MTV (Miss Kittin)
Guess this means I'm due for a reality show sometime soon.

What do my friends really think of me?
The Hardest Part (Erasure)
Is that hard as in my Love Gun? or hard as in difficult??? I need to know whether I should be titillated or offended.

What do people secretly think of me?
Easy Lee (Ricardo Villalobos)
It's no secret that I'm easy.

How can I be happy?
Shifter (Timo Mass)
Explains why I move every 18 months.

What should I do with my life?
Loverman (Urban Dwellers)
I can love men. Not too hard to do.

What is some good advice for me?
Before (Pet Shop Boys)
What the hell does that mean?? Ancient Chinese Secret??

How will I be remembered?
Automatic (Pointer Sisters)
This is so embarassing. I don't even listen to the Pointer Sisters. They're on my ipod because of the GTA soundtrack. I swear.

What is my signature dancing song?
Ready Steady Go (Oakenfold)
Fitting, I guess. Though I'm not a big fan of Oakenfold.

What do I think my current theme song is?
Fire (Mousee T)
Ooooo you better watch it girl! I'm on FIRE!!!!

What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Miracles (Pet Shop Boys)
Because I'm such a saint.

What song will play at my funeral?
Michael Jackson (Negativland)
Great. Some obscure minimalist electro where a voice rhymes off has-been musical artists from the 80's. How depressing.

What type of men/women do you like?
How High (Madonna)
No - that was a few years ago. I no longer date people with drug & alcohol addictions.

What is my day going to be like?
Compression (Everything But The Girl)
Sounds like every other day.

@#$%*##!!!

Apparently I forgot to take this sign off of my car this morning:

"Please don't pay attention and switch lanes in front of me without looking because I love being side-swiped"

Three times. Three fucking times I had people decide to change lanes without bothering to see if there was anyone beside, or coming up beside them. There's nothing better at 8:30 in the morning than having to swerve into the next lane to avoid some goddamn asshole who didn't bother to look and see if there was a car beside him or not. I, however, was not afforded the luxury of looking to see if there was anyone beside me as I jerked my car to the right. Thankfully there was not.

It's called a mirror and blind spot people. Check them.

Best. Choreography. Ever.

What happens when Prince Adam teams up with She-Ra and the Space Rejects to produce a music video? You'll just have to see below. I know somebody's going to hit me for this.

Safe for work.



UPDATE:

For those of you who just can't get enough and must have your very own copy, you can download the video here.

Danger Will Robinson!!!

One of the perils of working on a client's home computer is that you come across photos of them.

With their children.

In the bathtub.

Naked (I presume).

Ugghhhhh. Not pretty.

Every time???

Overheard at a client's yesterday:

Every time my boyfriend breaks up with me he cuts things!

Extreme Makeover Annoying Edition

I was watching Extreme Makeover Home Edition the other night, and I was left with a couple of thoughts:

1. The guy with the shaved head is hot. I want him to jackhammer me.

2. WHY DOES TY HAVE TO FUCKING YELL THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE GODDAMN PROGRAM????? What an annoying jackass.

3. How are these extremely poor people expected to pay for the utilities once the house is finished?? It takes a lot of energy to keep a 4000 sq foot home running. And what about insurance and taxes?

4. These houses are typically in rough neighbourhoods. How safe would you feel if everyone in the country (including the local gangsters)had an indepth view and layout of your home, including all the plasma tv's, computers, stereos etc. I hope an alarm system comes with the place.

Just wonderin'.

Just because

Later tonight, the date and time will be:

01:02:03 04/05/06

Won't happen again for another hundred years.

Hooga Chakka

I'm tired. Not much news today. So I'm leaving you with David Hasselhoff singing Hooked on a Feeling.

Monday April 2006

Today I am officially a homo-wner, again. We pick up the keys sometime this afternoon.

Went out on the weekend to Homo Depot and bought a BBQ and patio set. I spoke with my sister afterwards and got in shit for buying the patio furniture. Apparently that was going to be our housewarming/my birthday gift. How in the hell was I supposed to know???

UPDATE:
Apparently the transaction has completed and the keys are ready to be picked up. I'd go get them but Q has go back to the lawyer's and sign yet another document. It seems that when the lawyers were doing a search, they came across another name similar to Q's. Now he has to sign a declaration that he is not the same person who recently had $21,000 in child support back payments judged against him. Why am I always the last to know??