Epiphany.

It has occurred to me recently that I've been angry for a very long time. Not angry at any one person or thing in particular, but just pure anger nonetheless. I had surpressed it for all these years, only for it to manifest itself in other ways and once again rear it's ugly head. That's why I got sick earlier this year. When I get upset or stressed, the first thing to go is my stomach. So when I spent a number of months with severe digestive troubles, it was my rage tying to find some kind of outlet.

As a kid, we were never encouraged to express - let alone discuss our feelings. When we were punished, we weren't told exactly why what we did was wrong and it wasn't up for discussion either. It was early on that I learned to keep everything inside because trying to talk about it was fruitless. I tried off and on throughout the years, but soon realized talking with my parents about anything remotely personal was completely useless. Case in point - I tried to talk to my parents after I left Psycho. I told them that he was an abusive alcoholic. The response I got was "Oh, (well this is uncomfortable, let's change the subject) What's happening with the house?" That hurt - a lot. I was so disappointed that I'd managed to build up the courage to talk, only to be let down once again. A prominent pattern in my life.

I had the distinct fortune in life to be gay. I knew this as a very young child. In fact I don't ever recall a time in my life when I didn't know I was gay, or at least different. I was left to deal with it alone, as I was with most problems in my life. As a result, I was left with an extreme sense of loneliness and insecurity as a child. I only had a few friends growing up, and they were always girls. I just related better with them as they tended to be kinder, gentler and accepted me for who I was. I liked playing with dolls. I liked playing with Strawberry Shortcake. I also liked playing with Transformers, trains, and Star Wars figures. To me, a toy was just a toy and I didn't understand the taboo associated with which belonged to which gender. Girls had no problem with this, however boys did. So not only did I have the constant feeling that I was different, and that was bad, I also liked toys that I wasn't supposed to, and that was bad as well. And most of my friends were girls, and that was bad. Luckily as I branched out into my teenage years, I was able to find a good, close circle of friends who were just as wacky as myself, all of us in different ways. It felt good to finally belong.

But all those years of feeling isolated and shut off took their toll. Come to think of it, that's probably why I took to acting as a teen. It allowed me to express feelings and emotions, even if they weren't my own. My first real girlfriend - Cling-on (no not as in Star Trek) - as she was oh so affectionately known - was my first taste of a jealousness and possessiveness. She used to accompany me anywhere I went if girls were going to be there, even if they were my friends. Little did she know at the time that there was nothing to worry about.

When I finally allowed myself to like boys, I met The Walrus. Yet another person who clung to me, held me back, and tried to isolate me from the world. Then there was Psycho, who requires no further explanation, and finally J - who I haven't talked a lot about. We dated for about 6 months before I finally succumbed to my feelings for Q. But J had problems, was clingy and insecure, and a borderline alcoholic. Finally Karma swooped down and helped bring Q into my life. He's none of those things, and couldn't be if he tried. I love him more because of that.

As you can see, every one of those people shared a lot of similarities. When you feel lonely and that your feelings don't matter, that you aren't worth sticking up for, people like that come into your life. You let them in because that's all you know. The years I spent with Psycho I was almost completely shut off. I didn't really have an opinion on anything, and didn't really care. It used to drive him nuts, but with him, if I had the misfortune of having the wrong opinion, there was hell to pay. So I let him decide almost everything. It just wasn't worth the battle. I wasn't worth the battle.

The scary part to all of this is that my brother and sister have both fallen into the EXACT same traps in their lives. My brother has finally split up with his Medusa-esque bitch wife. I think that she may be related to Psycho. It frightened me when I realized the similarities between those two. Unfortunately, they have 2 very screwed up kids. They would have had more, but she kept "losing" the babies 3/4 the way through the pregnancy. I know for a fact that one was aborted, but she told everyone it was a miscarriage. Her mother let it slip. The only reason why she got pregnant in the first place was because he would threaten to leave. I hadn't spoken to him in 10 years until my uncle's funeral. I just didn't want anything to do with him while she was in the picture. We'll see if she's really gone this time.

As for my sister, she dated someone in highschool who was very controlling as well. She told me that had she stayed, it would definitely become abusive. She was lucky enough to find the strength to get out early, meet another guy in highschool and now they're married with 2 kids. Her husband's great, and I'm glad he's in our lives. She still has problems dealing with the scars of that relationship even today.

The therapy is helping a lot. It used to make me feel so bad to think of what I went through with Psycho and everyone else. I couldn't understand why I would let those kinds of things happen to me. I'm starting to understand now, and I feel better.

So anyone out there who's reading this, if you have kids or are planning on having kids, please talk to them. Discuss everything - the good and especially the bad. Make sure to explain why you want them to do the things you do, and listen to them when they disagree or don't understand. I know my parents love me and raised me the best that they could. They both grew up in similar environments, so it's all they knew as well. I'd just like for the cycle to be broken.